Dorito Elect
by mrmattimation
Summary: Believing Mayor Dewey to be incompetent, Peridot decides to run for Mayor of Beach City. Spiritual successor/semi-sequel to my other story, "Shattered Memberries". Updated on Wednesdays, written in the week preceding. Takes place after or during whatever SU episode just aired.
1. Chapter 1: The Challenge

**A/N: At the end of my last story,** _ **Shattered Memberries**_ **(which I highly suggest you read, it's a crossover with South Park and though it isn't perfect and it got a little preachy towards the end it was a fun experiment and I'd like for more people to read it), I put in a joke about Peridot running for President of the United States. That mental image was so god damn funny to me that I decided to write a story where she runs for Mayor of Beach City. Can you tell she's my favorite?**

 **Anyway. Same schedule as last time. Updates every Wednesday, unless some other circumstance gets in the way of that. Reviews are appreciated, my plans for the last story were changed drastically as time went on to account for current events and though I don't plan to reference current events this time (because who wants to open** _ **that**_ **whole can of worms again, right?) I still do write on a very last-minute weekly schedule, because that's just how my brain works, so your feedback will help improve this story greatly.**

Loud banging rang through the Crystal Gems' temple, which was, presently, empty. Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl were all elsewhere. Perhaps they were deeper in the temple, or off on some sort of mission, or maybe they were simply helping Greg move something.

Whatever the case, Peridot wasn't here for them. She was here for somebody who definitely should have been home today. "Steven!" she yelled as she continued banging on the door. "Steven, I need you to come out here and help me with something! I think my tablet is broken, or has a virus, or something! I went to that video archive sharing site you showed me because I wanted to show Lapis that video you showed me where the two grumpy humans play video games, but every video on the front page is just the same video, with some different minor variation each time. Am I being 'hacked'? Is this what being 'hacked' is? WHY am I supposed to look at the net? What is so special about that net that the human just found?! Steven! I need answers, Steven!"

Peridot continued smacking the door with her fist. Lapis, who was leaning on the wall next to her, looked up from the copy of the Delmarva Post she'd been reading. "Maybe he's not home," she said, pointing out something that was obvious to absolutely everyone besides Peridot.

Peridot glanced in through the window. "He SHOULD be! He told me he'd be here!" She looked up at Lapis. "We haven't seen Steven in months, there's no way he'd forget!"

Lapis shrugged. "Maybe he stood us up."

"He wouldn't do that!" Peridot denied. "Steven would NOT do that!"

Laps looked back down at her newspaper and raised her eyebrow at the article on the next page. "Or maybe it has something to do with this," she said, pointing to a photograph of a flying saucer over the amusement park.

"Let me see that!" Peridot snapped, snatching the newspaper out of her friend's hands. Dread began to fill every inch of her body as she stared at the photo. Her eyes scanned the words below the picture. Unidentified flying object… took off from Funland… dropped several people in the water and flew away… This was not good. "Lapis, do you know what this means? This… this… this doesn't help us at all!"

"Huh?"

"What does this have to do with Steven?" Peridot reasoned. "The Crystal Gems' spaceship was a Roaming Eye vessel, NOT a Class IV Camo Saucer. Steven would have no reason to go anywhere near this ship." She looked back down at the paper and rolled her eyes. "Besides. Our ship was stolen by that Ruby, 'mem— _remember_?"

Lapis smiled and nodded. "Oh, yeah, that's right! I remember now! Huh. Wonder what the deal is with this ship, then?"

"Oh, well, pfffft, it's gone now, isn't it? Pearl and the others must have taken care of it." Peridot motioned in the direction of Beach City. "Come on. Maybe Steven and the others are in town."

Lapis raised her lower eyelids as she stared at the town. "Are you sure that's okay? I don't think the people of Beach City really like us that much."

"We saved their butts a million times over!" Peridot exclaimed. "What do you mean they don't like us? What have WE ever done to THEM?"

"Stolen oceans, space invasions, hijacked TV signals, destructive car washes..."

"That last one was an accident!" Peridot snapped. "Besides, that's all in the PAST! WE don't dwell on the past! I bet we're REALLY popular in Beach City! Steven probably talks us up a lot."

Lapis shrugged as they walked further into town. "Really quiet, today. This is kind of nice—" she was cut off as a large van sped around the corner, nearly hitting the two. The van, which sported a large bust of the driver's head on its roof and large text that read "RE-ELECT MAYOR DEWEY" on its sides, continued to barrel down the road, its chanting of the owner's name—" _Ma-yor Dew-ey"—_ getting more distant as it drove away.

Peridot narrowed her eyes. "Rude," she muttered. "Can you believe humans ELECT their leaders? It's the most inefficient way of doing things."

Lapis shrugged. "The humans seem to like it."

"That's the thing! They don't!" Peridot explained. "Every time a new supervisor is elected, it just turns out that half of their constituency HATES them anyway! What's the point in choosing your leader if you hate all of the choices anyway?"

Lapis didn't have an answer. "At least they get a choice," she muttered.

"Every four years," Peridot continued, "humans have to choose between, as Amethyst once put it, a 'Giant Douche' and a 'Turd Sandwich'. ...whatever that means."

Peridot and Lapis approached the Big Donut. "This is Steven's favorite place to be," Peridot explained. "I'm not sure why, they sell 'food', and the concept of eating just…" she stuck her tongue out. "It's not my thing." She tried the door, which wouldn't budge. "Excuse me?" she asked the door, which obviously didn't respond. "Open up. OPEN UP!" she yelled angrily, tugging at the door.

"Don't bother," a tall, pale human with spiked hair muttered from nearby. Peridot and Lapis glanced over at him. "Sadie's been locked up in her house for days, and I haven't seen Lars around, either." He shrugged. "Bummer."

Peridot stared at the human, confused. "So… did Steven come by?"

"Steven? Haven't seen him in a while, either. Man. It's like everyone's taking a lazy week or something."

Lapis and Peridot looked worriedly at each other. "Uh… Thanks," Lapis said. "He's not at his home, either. Do you know anywhere else he'd be?"

Peridot and Lapis ran down the boardwalk, searching Funland for Steven. Peridot was continuing her rant from earlier. "And I get it. Sometimes the people you voted for weren't who you thought they were. But SURELY most humans would see that coming? Anyone who WANTS that much power can't be trusted. End of story."

"Mhmm," Lapis hummed, disinterested.

"And another thing—oof!" Peridot bumped into a human. "Hey, watch where you're—! Oh, it's just Connie."

Connie, who'd been knocked down by Peridot, quickly stood up. "Sorry! Sorry, I was spaced…" her face fell as she looked at Peridot's. "...out."

Peridot smiled. "Hey, maybe SHE knows where Steven is!" she said, looking back at Lapis.

Connie's frown worsened. "You haven't seen him. That means he's still out there…"

Peridot frowned as well. "Out where?" Suddenly, however, she got the feeling that somebody wasn't very happy with her.

Specifically, Connie appeared to be glaring at her for reasons totally unknown to her. Peridot whispered over to Lapis. "Hey, is it just me? Or is she giving me a look?"

"She's giving you a look."

"She's definitely giving me a look." Peridot glanced backwards awkwardly before staring at Connie again. "Uh."

Connie stepped forward. "She said she got the list from you. She came here because of YOU."

Peridot stepped backward. "Excuse me?"

"If it weren't for YOU, Steven would still be here right now."

"Wow, that's rude," Peridot retorted. "I'm not THAT clingy."

"You're pretty clingy," Lapis muttered.

"Look, I don't know what—"

"Homeworld, Peridot!" Connie yelled. "You fed them information and because of you they tried to kidnap me and because of that Steven went out into space!"

Peridot glanced backwards again, then back at Connie. "Do you know when he'll be back?"

"Don't you get it, Peridot?!" Connie yelled. "You…" she stopped, before sighing and looking away. "I'm sorry. It's not your fault."

"What's not my fault?"

"A Gem came to Earth from Homeworld looking for a list of humans that you gave them," Connie explained.

"Oh, I remember that list!" Peridot exclaimed, grinning. "Lars, Sadie, you, the mailman, and 'Onion, I think'. And the one who provided his human DNA."

"Instead of letting her take us," Connie continued, "Steven boarded their ship and left for Homeworld. And now 'Rose Quartz' is being delivered to your crazy backwards alien dictatorship. Probably to be shattered."

Peridot's eyes widened. Lapis just hummed. "Huh. How is that NOT Peridot's fault?"

"Steven did WHAT?!" Peridot screamed, causing several other humans on the boardwalk to stare. "He's going WHERE?! So they can do WHAT TO HIM?! What was he hoping to accomplish?! He should have just let them take YOU, you're WAY less important to ME!"

Connie sighed. "I know, and none of the Crystal Gems have any idea how to-"

"Well, this won't do at all," Peridot resolved. "This needs to be fixed! We need to save him!"

"But the Crystal Gems—"

"WE DON'T NEED THEM!" Peridot screamed again. "WE are the Crystal Temps, and where THEY fail, WE shall succeed. WE have something that THEY don't have!"

"...what?" Connie asked.

Peridot pressed a finger against her temple. "My smarts."

"I don't think—"

"Connie! Lapis! We're getting the team back together!" Peridot declared. "Connie! Take me to your leader!" she instructed, pointing into the air defiantly. "By which I mean the leader of the humans. I'm your leader in basically every other area."

"What's Mayor Dewey going to do to help us?" Connie asked, confused.

Peridot smirked smugly. "He's a leader. I'm a leader. He has resources. I have a problem that needs to be solved. We're going to march in there, and DEMAND he give us what we need!"

Lapis raised an eyebrow. "What do we need?"

"Spaceship parts," Peridot explained. "Nothing on Earth could get to Homeworld in a timely manner, but I just so happen to know how to build a light distortion engine." She paced the floor. "The problem is, there isn't enough in the barn for me to work with. So we're going to need funding, so that I can buy more stuff to work with."

"Steven's dad has money," Connie commented.

"Connie, I hate to break it to you," Peridot signed, placing a hand on Connie's shoulder. "But Steven's dad doesn't trust me with money. I know, crazy, right? Have the other Crystal Gems told him about Steven's disappearance?"

Connie thought about it. "I'm not sure," she admitted. "They're really bad at telling people things."

"Then it's best we don't tell him. Let's be honest, here. He'll likely end his own life. Humans are irrational."

"Oh, jeez," Connie muttered. "I didn't even think about that."

"Yup," Peridot continued. "Incredibly irrational. I mean, just look at you! You got so mad at me over something that is clearly someone else's fault. When you think about it, it's actually all STEVEN'S fault!"

Lapis blinked. "Maybe you should stop talking," she said.

"Now! Where is Mayor Dewey?" Peridot demanded. "He's going to help us save a life."

* * *

"You need HOW MUCH?!" Mayor Dewey asked, astonished at the Crystal Gem that had just entered his office, who was staring at her tablet.

"The Internet says that NASA is receiving $19.5 billion in funding for the 2017 Fiscal Year," Peridot said, still reading the web page she pulled up. "I have absolutely no idea what any of that means," she admitted, shrugging as she spoke, "but if NASA is, in fact, the current Earth authority on space travel, and you humans," she began to chuckle condescendingly here, "haven't even colonized another planet yet, then I'm going to need at least three times as much. Possibly more. I'm ballparking it. But at least three times as much."

Mayor Dewey was at a loss for words. He sputtered and struggled to get anything out, but finally was able to respond with "No! Are you out of your mind! We don't even HAVE that kind of money, and if we did, we certainly wouldn't give it to YOU!"

"Why not?"

"You've nearly destroyed this town on at LEAST two separate occasions!"

Peridot shrugged again. "First of all: the plan was to capture the Crystal Gems and leave, any damage to this settlement was collateral and FAR outside of normal mission parameters. Second of all: Can't we let bygones be bygones? I've forgiven you for the months I spent trapped on Earth with no friends."

"That's- how is that my fault?"

"Well." Peridot tried to think of a reason to blame Dewey. "You weren't there for me."

There was a moment of pause between the two as Dewey tried to process the absolutely nonsensical and irrelevant piece of information he'd just been given. Finally, he decided to simply skip over it. "What do you need all of that money for, anyway?"

Peridot crossed her arms. "Steven Universe has been kidnapped by gems from Homeworld and they're going to shatter him. And I need money to buy junk to build a light distortion drive to get to Homeworld to save Steven."

"I feel like this plan is missing a few steps," Dewey commented. "Regardless, that's not really my problem."

"What do you mean it's not your problem?!" Peridot exclaimed. "One of your citizens is in DANGER!"

"A non-voting citizen," Dewey corrected. "And the Crystal Gems don't vote either. So, when you think about it, are they really my responsibility?"

Peridot was appalled. "You're a horrible leader!"

"Not according to my approval ratings," Dewey said. "I keep the people happy. And that's all that matters. Besides, you all seem to know how to get yourselves into and out of trouble. I'm SURE you'll figure something out. Now, if there's nothing else, I'm a very busy man and need to get back to work getting re-elected. Excuse me." Dewey stood up from his desk and walked over to the door, opening it for Peridot. "Why don't you run along?"

Peridot just glared at Dewey. "You're a really, really bad leader. No better than the Diamonds!"

"Hey, listen, I'm REALLY torn up about Steven," Mayor Dewey said, "but I can't allocate those resources. You are one and the taxpayers are many. That's politics. If you don't like it, vote for the guy who'll do things your way." He feigned surprise as he smacked an open palm to his face. "Oh wait!" he said. "That's right! You CAN'T vote for the other guy, because this year, I'm running unopposed!"

An idea formed in Peridot's head. "What."

"Yup. I'm the only one people CAN vote for. What a shame!" He grinned as he motioned for Peridot to make her exit. "Goodbye."

Peridot glared up at Dewey with a determined look on her face. "You aren't running unopposed," she said.

"Excuse me?"

"Mayor Dewey," Peridot proclaimed, "consider your days as the sole ruler of Beach City numbered! I, Peridot 5XG, am announcing a DEMOCRATIC COUP!" She began to march out. "I'm running for mayor! See you at the polls, Dewey!" She slammed the door on her way out, leaving Dewey in a state of shock.

"One of the Crystal Gems… is running against me," he recapped. Suddenly, he burst out into laughter at the absolutely ridiculous concept, and began slamming his desk with his fist as he fought back tears.

This was going to be a fun election cycle.

Peridot marched out into the hallway, meeting up with Connie and Lapis. "So?" Connie asked, hopeful. "Did you get the money?"

"Forget this plan!" Peridot yelled. "Mayor Dewey won't give it to us."

Lapis and Connie groaned. "Now how are we going to get Steven back?" Connie asked.

"We're still going to get the money," Peridot said, smirking as she and the others continued to walk out of the building. Connie glanced at Lapis, confused.

"Are we going to rob the treasury?" Connie asked. "Ooh! Or a bank? Are we going to pull off a daring heist and make off with billions?"

"Please. Heisting is SO 2013," Peridot said. "We're going to get that money a little more officially. And much easier."

"How's that?"

Peridot turned around and grinned at her friends. The look was pretty scary, Connie thought. "I'm going to become the mayor!" Peridot yelled, laughing as she did so. She turned around and continued to cackle as she walked away. Connie and Lapis stopped in their tracks and again shot each other concerned looks. Connie started to run after her.

"Peridot! Wait! I don't think you're thinking this through!"

It was too late. Her mind was already made up.


	2. Chapter 2: The American Dream

A tall, dark-skinned, deep-voiced, mustached news reporter stood in front of an old barn, ready to begin the day with the latest news story. "Good evening, Delmarva. I'm Jake Deepthroat with Channel 16. Tonight's top story, politics in Beach City are being shaken up as, sources are telling me, currently incumbent mayor Bill Dewey is facing a new opponent in his re-election campaign. Up until last week, Dewey was running unopposed. Just yesterday, however, Sussex County resident Peridot, who I've been told has no legal surname but goes by "Facet 2F5L, Cut-5XG", announced her intent to challenge the mayor in the upcoming election, making this statement from her campaign headquarters."

The news feed switched to footage from the previous day, where Peridot, flanked by Lapis Lazuli and Connie, stood at a podium in front of the barn, addressing a crowd of Beach City residents. "Bill Dewey is unqualified to run this civilization any longer," she said, sharply criticizing the mayor. "The human population of Beach City is in dire need of some proper leadership. And I know how to lead, okay? I ran a kindergarten, folks. I lead the Crystal Gems. I lead the Crystal Temps. And let me tell you, I can lead this city. So vote for me! Because I'll… I'll get stuff done. And stuff. Wow, speeches are tough."

The feed cut back to the reporter. "Shortly after the announcement, local pollsters began surveying citizens on her viability to run. 67% of those polled believe that a change was needed in Beach City's government, but only 12% of that 67% believe that Peridot is the change needed. The election is currently expected to be a landslide victory for Dewey, with the Delmarva Post posting 12 to 1 odds in Dewey's favor."

Peridot, Lapis, and Connie watched the report on the barn's television set. Peridot scoffed. "You'll see. You'll all see."

Connie sighed. "Peridot, those odds aren't looking good. Every poll in the area is posting really, really low approval ratings for you."

"The people just don't know what they're missing!" Peridot said enthusiastically. "Today, we're going to go into town and boost those numbers!"

"How are we going to do that?" Lapis asked.

Peridot marched over to a chalkboard and pushed it closer to her friends. Written on it were several different campaign slogans, which Peridot had evidently come up with the night before. "Okay. These are 'slogans'. They make people like you by exploiting their psychological weaknesses. So we're going to go down the list, and see which one causes the chemical imbalance that'll make people like me. Ok! First one!" Peridot cleared her throat. "'I'm With Her.'"

Connie tugged at her collar. "Oh, jeez," she muttered, unsure if she should tell Peridot how unfortunate that slogan was.

"Here's another one," Peridot continued. "'Make Planet Earth Great Again'."

Connie sighed. "Oh, jeez," she said again. "Peridot, both of those slogans are taken," she explained, fully intending to simply leave it at that. She really didn't want to explain to Peridot who had been using them.

"Oh, okay," Peridot said. "Well, I have more. Ahem. PERIDOT!" she yelled.

Connie was silent for a moment. "That's the entire slogan?" she asked finally.

"It's SO OBNOXIOUS that people can't help but think about it," Peridot explained. "We just yell it in their faces, and they'll think, 'wow, that was annoying. I should vote for her to get her to stop!'"

Peridot wasn't an idiot. Connie knew this. She was incredibly smart. Almost a genius, in fact. However, her gross misunderstanding of human psychology certainly could lead one to "misunderstand" Peridot's intelligence quotient. "You know, Peridot," Connie began, "maybe we should forget about slogans right now. Right now, we should think about your campaign at a more… basic level. What do you stand for? What are your platforms? Why do YOU want to be mayor, and why should the people elect YOU?"

Peridot scoffed. "Well. I mean. It's obvious. We need to allocate funds to rescue Steven."

"Right, right, but you can't just go out there and say 'I'm going to embezzle taxpayer money for a personal mission.'"

Peridot tilted her head. "Why not?"

"Because!" Connie said. "It doesn't sound good."

"But that's what politicians do."

"Well, YEAH, but they don't SAY that," Connie said. "You gotta say something that… you know. Makes the people root for you."

Peridot thought about it for a moment. "So… you want me to lie?"

"Re-word the truth. Put some sparkles on it. Make it… you know… likeable?"

Peridot thought about it again. "Instead of saying I need money…" Peridot began, "...I should say… My friend needs help."

"That's a start."

"I should say… Steven… is in serious danger. H-he might die," Peridot continued. "And the incumbent mayor doesn't care about that." Peridot noticed at this point that Connie had started filming her. "What are you doing?"

"Keep going!"

Peridot blinked. "Mayor Dewey… doesn't care about Steven. He doesn't care about the Crystal Gems, he doesn't care about Beach City, and he doesn't care about Earth. All he cares about is helping himself. And I think that's dumb." Her speech was becoming more impassioned. "I've only been on Earth for two revolutions, and even I know that when you're elected to an office like this? You're a civil servant. It's your DUTY to care about the people you've been elected to lead! If you don't… why are you even there in the first place?" She sighed and glanced aside. "On Homeworld, we didn't get a choice. We're grown. We work. We grow more gems. We colonize. The Diamonds do nothing for us in return. If this planet truly is the 'Land of the Free' and the 'Home of the Brave', then why does it seem like only the humans that act the most like tyrants and cowards get to call the shots? I'm… I'm not perfect. Nothing on this planet is. But I KNOW I have more respect for those around me than Mayor Doofy."

Connie closed her camera and nodded. "That was great, Peridot."

"Hey, wait, I had more," Peridot complained. "Ah, whatever, it's not important. What uh… What are you going to do with that?"

Connie had already pulled out her laptop and connected the camera to a USB port. "Peridot, you just made your first campaign ad. Congrats. You're a politician." She reached into her bag and pulled out two articles of clothing. "Red tie, or blue?"

* * *

Peridot, Connie, and Lapis walked through Beach City, Connie carrying a large stack of posters while Peridot scouted out the best locations to place said posters. It seemed as though Lapis wasn't contributing at all.

"Ok," Peridot said. "Right here, on the Big Donut's window. Humans eat, right? So a lot of them probably come here."

Lapis pressed her face up against the window to take a peek inside. "I thought somebody said it hasn't been open for a while."

Peridot hummed. "Hmmm. Yes. That might pose a problem. Connie! What do you know about food service?"

"I don't think that's how that works," Connie said, shooting down whatever idea Peridot had.

"Oh, fine," Peridot conceded. "Just put the poster up anyway and we'll move on. SOMEBODY's bound to see it."

Connie did as Peridot instructed and taped the poster to the window. It read:

 _PERIDOT 2K17_

 _Register to vote now and vote Peridot for Mayor of Beach City!_

 _Do it for Steven!_

Accompanying the text was a drawing, done by Connie, of Peridot in a suit and tie, holding an American flag by the flagpole and standing triumphantly over a defeated Mayor Dewey.

Scrawled in small letters on the very bottom left corner of the poster were the slogans "I'm With Her," "Make Beach City Great Again," and "PERIDOT!", all of which were last-minute additions by the Gem in question.

"Perfect!" Peridot exclaimed, pleased with the poster. "Say, Connie, when is the election?"

Connie glanced her phone. "Five weeks."

Peridot's eyes widened. "Oh, jeez, we got some catching up to do if we're gonna hang all these posters up in time. Let's get a move on!" Peridot, Connie, and Lapis began to march away from the Big Donut, before hearing a set of keys jangle and enter the lock. The three turned around to see Sadie, dressed in her uniform. She started to push the door open before realizing they'd been staring at her.

"Oh. Hey," she said awkwardly. "Uh, you guys want anything? We're open for business."

* * *

Connie took a sip from a cup of cocoa as she, Peridot, and Lapis listened intently to Sadie's story. "After the ship left with Steven on it, I just felt kind of… worthless," she explained. "Then I realized Lars was still on it too. Sure, he'd been a big scaredy cat when that Gem attacked me, but…" she shook her head and looked down at the counter. "Anyway, losing two of my friends in one day while I was left to continue living, totally unharmed by what had happened was… it didn't feel good. So I stopped coming to work. What was the point? For a while, I didn't even want to get out of bed. I just kept thinking, 'why me? Why am I still here, and not out there?' The whole thing kind of really messed me up.

"Then I learned you were running against Mayor Dewey," she continued. "So I was like, 'oh, great, another Turd Sandwich has entered the race.' But then I saw the video you put out this morning. It helped me realize, that… I can't give up hope. Steven and Lars are still out there. I don't know if you'll actually be able to do anything to help them, I mean, let's be real here, what CAN you do? But, I mean, that speech still inspired me. Steven and Lars are still out there, and I know, deep down, that they'll be able to get themselves out of that mess. Steven's good at getting himself out of messes.

"And you're right. Dewey _doesn't_ care about the people. Maybe you don't either. I don't know. You care about Steven at least. I can tell. So… maybe, through him, you care about us, too." Sadie looked back up at Peridot. "I turned 18 last year, but I didn't register to vote in time for the Presidential election. At the time, I was like, 'well, I don't like EITHER of these people, so what's the point?' I regret that a lot, now. It doesn't even matter WHO I would have voted for. I should have just VOTED. Even though I wouldn't have been able to change anything either way, I still had the chance to make my voice heard, and I didn't take it. There were a lot of disenfranchised people like me who just couldn't care less about who the President was, and that adds up. I'm not gonna make that mistake again. So, tomorrow, I'm registering. You have my vote, Peridot."

Peridot smiled. "Thanks, Sadie. I won't let you down."

Sadie sighed and arched her back, stretching for a moment before returning to lean on the counter. "But Peridot. Listen," she warned. "Dewey still has a LOT of support in Beach City. And he has a lot of Delmarva's big-name politicians behind him, too. This isn't going to be easy for you."

Peridot couldn't help but laugh. "Ha! 'Easy' is just another human word for 'boring'! If it's a fight he wants, it's a fight he'll get."

"Hey, you know what you should do?" Connie interrupted. "You should challenge him to a town hall debate! That'll expose more people to your cause, and you might even convince some people to switch sides!"

"Hmm. A debate. Interesting. On Homeworld, challenging the opinions of others was… well, deadly."

"You're not on Homeworld," Sadie pointed out. "You're living the American Dream, now, Peridot."

* * *

Bill Dewey sat at his desk, staring at a stack of papers he'd been handed earlier in the day. "Hmm. Crime is certainly down since the Nostalgia Riots. Now, how can I spin that and make it look like I did that?"

An aide entered the room. "Mayor, I think you should—"

"Not now, Karen, I'm busy."

"I REALLY think you should watch the news. This affects YOU."

Dewey sighed. "Fine. What channel?"

"CBS, sir."

Dewey flipped on the portable television on his desk and switched the channel to channel 16. "You're watching WBOC News; Delmarva's News Leader!"

The news anchor sat at his desk, straightening a stack of papers. "For those just tuning in, we're bringing you live coverage of Beach City's 2017 mayoral election as it happens. We go now to our correspondent in the area, Jake Deepthroat. Jake?"

"Thanks Tom. Folks, I'm standing here in an unincorporated rural community in Sussex County, where I reported earlier today on the budding political career of a woman known simply as Peridot. Behind me is the self-declared, independent mayoral candidate's place of residence, a barn owned by Beach City's Greg Universe, which also serves as Peridot's campaign headquarters." The cameraman zoomed and refocused on the barn, which could be seen over Jake's shoulder. "Earlier this morning, the candidate released a short, budgetless video on the popular video sharing site 'YouTube', where she sharply criticized the incumbent mayor and paid tribute to an apparently lost friend of hers.

"Just a few moments ago, I sat down with Peridot, who had some rather interesting things to say about her role in Beach City's political world."

The feed switched to an interview shot minutes prior, where Peridot addressed Jake, flanked by Connie and Lapis. "You know, Jake, really, what this is all about, is the 'American Dream'," she said. "Where I come from, doing what I'm doing now would be labeled treason. But here, in this particular region of the planet, it's the norm. Any old Average Joe can, you know, wake up one day, and say, 'things suck and I want to make them better,' and I, you know, I think there's something really beautiful about that."

Mayor Dewey rolled his eyes. _How pretentious,_ he thought.

Jake leaned forward. "With the state of American politics today, with how divided this country is on several key issues, do you think you can bring the people of Beach City together under one cause?"

"I do, Jake. I do," Peridot responded. "You know, my ideas are very universal. I want the town to succeed. And we all have different definitions of 'success', so it's tough. I need to get opinions on the issues. It's really all about what the PEOPLE want, because what I want is for everyone else to get what they want. And to defeat Bill Dewey. Both of these things are very important to me.

"To that end, I will be challenging Dewey to a town hall debate next Wednesday, where the people of Beach City can get to know us and get to know our stances on the issues. Unity through diversity, I think, is what I want to focus on. How we approach that is up to the people, obviously, they're the ones asking the questions." She paused for a moment. "I'm trying to sound super professional right now, and honestly it's kind of boring and it feels dishonest. Really, I just want to curb stomp Dewey into the dirt. For Steven Universe. That's what this is all about."

Dewey blinked. _A debate, eh?_ he thought, before smirking. He supposed it couldn't hurt. After all, he was a seasoned politician. Peridot could barely hold an interview. This was going to be so easy. _Game on, Peridot. Game on._

* * *

 **A/N: This chapter was a weird outlier because I'm pretty sure it's gonna be one of the only ones where I don't have a more recent episode of the show to work off of. It's also really more of a set-up. The next one is gonna be weird too because Wanted doesn't air until Monday so I'll either have to wait until then to start writing (very bad (or sick)) or find some way to fit those episodes into the narrative (supposing Steven and Lars even get back to Earth after just a few episodes).**

 **That's… just kind of what happens when you write weekly AND try to adapt to the source material as it comes out. With** _ **Memberries**_ **it was easier because I could play with current events and the show was on a hiatus for most of that time anyway so I didn't have to worry about new developments.**

 **...also, sorry if this chapter comes off as preachy. Without getting too much into the actual political details, I identify with Sadie a lot here because I just sort of really hated both of the major Presidential candidates last year and didn't really feel like there was a point in choosing between a douche and a turd (although I did eventually end up voting because I personally feel like it's important to make your voice heard, even if your voice is "if I HAD to pick one, it would be this one").**


	3. Chapter 3: The Great Covfefe Debate

Two aides stood in front of Mayor Dewey, preparing him for the night's debate. One, a woman, shuffled a series of papers and handed them to the mayor, while the other, a man, simply relayed information. "Here's everything you need for the debate, sir. We've prepared for pretty much every scenario in the book and then some."

The woman nodded her head. "There's even stuff in there about, like, if there's an invasion or a mobster attack or some other crisis during the debate, since that kind of thing seems to happen a lot."

The man continued. "Most importantly, sir, you need to stay focused. Peridot is cunning, and she's ruthless, and she'll do whatever it takes to get your guard down. Don't let her get that window. She's gonna try and get in your head, use Jedi mind tricks or whatever it is those Crystal Gems do."

"They sing and they cry a lot," Dewey corrected. "I think I'll be fine."

"Don't be fooled by her foolish demeanor, sir," the man warned. "It's all a front. She's trying to get you to let your guard down."

Dewey blinked. "You really think so?"

"Think about it, sir. SHE'S the one who hijacked the TV signals a few years back, AND she's the one who led the invasion of Earth before that, AND she's the one behind the Nostalgia Riots back in March. With a brilliant mind like that… Nobody can truly know what genius, diabolical scheme she's plotting."

In the other room, Peridot, Connie, and Lapis were using a picture editing app on Connie's laptop to draw mustaches on photos of Mayor Dewey that they pulled from Google Images, giggling the entire time. Peridot smirked and looked up at her friends. "Can you BELIEVE that humans grow FACIAL HAIR? It's REVOLTING!"

Connie frowned and looked up. "I mean, some people look good with it. It's just… Can you imagine the MAYOR with some of these mustaches?"

Peridot grabbed the laptop. "Let me try!" She laughed diabolically as she painted a toothbrush mustache on Mayor Dewey. "There! Wouldn't he look RIDICULOUS in this?"

Connie grimaced. "Yeesh, maybe don't draw THAT mustache on him. It's sort of… offensive."

"What? Why?"

"History stuff."

Peridot frowned as well and stared down at the pictures. "So what you're saying is, if a human saw another human with this mustache, they would be looked down upon?"

"Exactly."

Peridot smirked. "Noted," she said, before saving the image and closing the laptop. "Okay! The debate! Let's focus on that!"

Connie nodded and pulled out a set of flashcards. "Okay. Education."

"Is important and the schools of Beach City need more funding!"

"Crime."

"Is the result of poverty in most cities, but in this city it's mostly an Onion problem and we need to figure out what's wrong with that kid and other kids like him."

"Okay." Connie continued, flipping through notecards and asking questions until she finally reached the last two. "What do you do if a citizen asks you to comment on the President's actions at any given place or event?"

"I avoid the question, I'm more concerned about what's going on right here with our citizens than what's going on in Washington."

"Aaaand finally, what do you do if someone questions your citizenship?"

"I've been remotely managing kindergartens on Earth for thousands of years, including in what would become the states of Utah, Keystone, and Colorado, under the employment of the Great Diamond Authority, which technically speaking is a governmental precursor to this and every nation on Earth, therefore according the Fourteenth Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America, I am more American than George Washington."

The three remained silent. Finally, Lapis spoke up. "When I was trapped in that mirror, I'm pretty sure I saw the island that would become Puerto Rico. Does that make me an American?"

Connie grinned. "Alright, Peridot, I think you're ready! Now get out there and show Beach City what you're made of!"

"Alright! Let's do this!" Peridot yelled enthusiastically, before standing up and approaching the door. "By the end of today, this city is going to ADORE me!"

* * *

The debate's moderator, a skinny, pale man in a suit with short, white hair, pursed lips, and a set of stylish glasses took to the stage. "Decision, 2017. Beach City's first community-organized political debate since 2013 is now underway. We're here with the incumbent mayor, Bill Dewey—"

"Thanks, Anderson."

"—and his challenger, a political newcomer and resident hippie, Peridot."

"Glad to be here, Anderson."

Anderson sat down in his seat. "The theme tonight is unity through diversity. I'm sure the people of Beach City have a lot to ask our candidates, so I'll let them get right to it. Here's how this is going to work. A citizen will ask a question, the receiving candidate will have two minutes to answer, I bought this neat little hourglass from Wal-Mart to keep the time," Anderson said, pulling out his hourglass and grinning as he demonstrated, "and then the other person will have two minutes to respond, and then they can yell at each other for two minutes after that. Any questions?" Dewey and Peridot shook their heads. They knew the rules. "Alright. Let's begin. Our first question comes from Ronaldo Fryman."

Ronaldo stood up. "Yeah, this question is for Mrs. Sandwich."

"Proceed," Peridot said, nodding.

Ronaldo put a finger to his chin. "Why doesn't your girlfriend wear shoes?"

Peridot blinked. "Excuse me," she responded flatly.

"The blue chick. She's always barefoot, what's up with that?"

Peridot had no idea what Ronaldo was talking about. "'The blue chick'? What are you—OH! You mean LAPIS!" Peridot chuckled. "Well, first of all, I'd like to correct your first descriptor. While Lapis is indeed my 'friend'," she punctuated this with air quotes, "technically, we're all sexless, so the term 'girl' 'friend'," she said, utilizing more air quotes, "is somewhat inaccurate. You may prefer terms such as 'space friend' or 'barn buddy'. ...or even just 'friend'. That works too. We don't even need labels, actually, now that I think about it. Second of all, I… don't see what that has to do with running this city."

The crowd was totally silent. Clearly, Peridot had completely missed the point of at least half of the question. Suddenly, one girl stood up among the seated. "Hey, she's right! We don't need LABELS! We're individuals!" The crowd muttered in agreement, and Mayor Dewey tugged at his collar nervously.

The moderator looked at Dewey. "Mayor Dewey. Your response."

Dewey cleared his throat. "Well, I, personally, never attach labels to people. My opponent, on the other hand, attaches labels to people all the time. She doesn't even bother to remember your names! She thinks 'human' is good enough."

The crowd oohed. Peridot scratched her chin. "Hmmm. You know what? You're right. I DO use the term 'human' really often. Tell you what, after this debate, everyone in this room can come meet me outside, I'll memorize each and every one of your names to the best of my ability."

The crowd murmured positively. Dewey glared at Peridot. His aides were right. She WAS a diabolical, manipulative schemer. He couldn't imagine what evil plan her brilliant mind was concocting right at this very moment.

 _It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you,_ Peridot mentally sang as she awaited the next question. _There's nothing that a hundred gems or more could ever do. I bless the rains—_

"Our next question comes from Mr. Smiley," Anderson said, snapping Peridot back to attention. "Smiley wrote in his question to us, as he's currently tied up running the amusement park. This question is for both candidates. He writes, 'Beach City Fun Land is a financial nightmare to run because the Crystal Gems—' a street gang that Peridot runs with— 'keep on…' Well, I'm going to omit that word. Anyway, he goes on about how the Crystal Gems keep destroying the amusement park and they never pay for it. Maintaining such a busy part of town is taxing, both physically and financially. He asks, 'what will you do to provide the necessary upkeep to tourist attractions such as the theme park?'"

Dewey grinned. "Oh. Speaking of funding, did you all know the REASON my opponent is running against me? She wants to redirect an absurd amount of taxpayer money to build a SPACESHIP. Can you believe it?"

Anderson looked back down at the letter. "Hmm. Yes, that certainly is not what the original question was. Can you try re-phrasing it?"

"Oh, come on!" Dewey complained. "I just exposed actual criminal intent! That's- she's-!" He began to stutter as his thought ran out of steam. "She- taxpayer- covfefe…"

Anderson blinked. "Covfefe, sir?"

Dewey crossed his arms. "Covfefe. Fine. I'm sticking by that. The point is that she's plotting to steal money from the taxpayers, and you're all just OKAY with that."

Peridot snapped her fingers. "Unity is what we're here to talk about, right? What's more unifying than helping out your fellow Earthling! What if we incentivized teenagers to participate in voluntary community service activities that would contribute to the continued maintenance of the town's attractions!"

"And HOW would we incentivize them?" Dewey immediately offered as a rebuttal. "You plan to use taxpayer money on personal endeavors, and SURELY paying a bunch of teenagers to run a theme park would only increase the deficit. _I_ propose we—"

"I've been told that high-level educational institutions—at least in this part of the planet—charge absurd amounts of 'money'," Peridot continued, ignoring Dewey and again using air quotes, "for attendance. Now, I know that this society is not like my society of hierarchical entitlement, this society runs on a capitalistic system of providing goods and services for other goods and services, or at least a note that has been universally agreed upon as being WORTH those goods and services—such as money—and really, that's a fine way of doing things. It works. It's SO much better than the way things are on Homeworld, because everyone on this planet is free to do what they want as long as it doesn't infringe on anyone else's rights, and as long as it makes them money so that they can, you know, purchase the goods and services they need to live. So of COURSE, nothing on this planet is free." She glared off to the side. "Not even to people who have literally saved it, but never mind that, that's beside the point." She looked back out into the audience. "Teenagers need to be able to afford to go to college. Some of them ALSO have FAR too much free time on their hands in the off seasons. Coincidentally, volunteering to provide maintenance on the theme park contributes to the local economy by making sure all the rides are safe, therefore more people are willing to spend their hard-earned money to enjoy the rides. Less money therefore goes INTO maintenance and more money goes to the theme park, which then goes to the city through land-ownership taxes and license renewals and whatnot." Peridot really hoped all this information she absorbed from listening to Connie drone on and on about her studies was correct. "So what do we do with that money? We put it into the high-level educational facilities, and we pay those educators and we buy those books and we give those kids who volunteered to maintain the theme park discounts on their education so they can attend without breaking the bank. Then, when they leave the educational facility, they're more prepared to take on high-level, high-demand, high-paying jobs in our society. And because they're not in debt, because they never had to take out loans, they have extra money laying around. So what do they do with that money? They take it. To. The theme park. And the cycle begins anew."

The entire audience stared at Peridot, totally silent. In Peridot's green room, Connie and Lapis watched the debate on a large flat-panel television which was mounted to the wall.

Just kidding. They weren't watching at all. They both thought she would bomb the debate and didn't bother tuning in. "Alright, Lapis," Connie began. "We need to face facts. Peridot is not getting elected. And even if she does, I somehow doubt Beach City's treasury has enough funds to do what she wants to do. And even if it does, I don't think the townspeople will be very happy with us using that money. And even if they are, again, Peridot isn't getting elected in the first place."

Lapis blinked. "So then what do we do?"

Connie shook her head. "I've already been doing what I can for Steven. The Crystal Gems have a few ideas, but… I don't know. Even Mr. Universe is starting to lose hope. While Peridot is doing that debate, I need to go help them find a way to catch up with that ship… Or get to Homeworld. Can you stay here and make sure Peridot is okay after she loses the debate horribly and decides to quit politics forever?"

"Of course," Lapis said, nodding. Connie nodded as well and left.

Back in the main room, several people in the audience had started applauding. Mayor Dewey rolled his eyes. "Oh, come ON," he scoffed. "That plan is RIDICULOUS. It'll never work. Teenagers don't volunteer to do anything unless they're getting paid in hard cash right then and there. I should know, I'm a parent. Peridot isn't. Case closed, she's old and out of touch and doesn't know anything about our city's youth, which is incredible, because I thought she was fourteen when I met her."

Anderson glanced sadly at his hourglass. "Nobody ever likes the hourglass," he said forlornly.

Peridot raised an eyebrow. "Did you just express disdain for your OWN creation?" She looked out into the audience and, with an accusatory finger, pointed to Dewey as she spoke. "Did I hear that right? He just threw his son under the metaphorical bus. Can you BELIEVE this guy?"

Mayor Dewey's eyes widened. "What? No, I—"

Anderson turned his attention to Dewey. "Mayor Dewey, it does appear that you have called your son, Buck Dewey, a lazy sack of potatoes."

"I did no such thing!"

"You certainly implied it," Peridot accused. "This guy doesn't love his son!"

Dewey turned back to Peridot and started yelling. "How can you say that? 'I don't love my own son.' You didn't know what the word 'love' meant until that dumb Universe kid explained it to you, you… you walking Doritos advertisement!"

The crowd gasped. Peridot simply blinked. "I am shocked and appalled," she said.

"But- well, am I WRONG?"

Peridot stared at her feet. Her eyes wandered around the room as she thought carefully about how she should respond. "Yeah. Yeah, you're wrong about one thing. Steven isn't 'dumb'. He's just… Ah… Naïve. Sometimes. I will fully admit that some of my… well, personal views have changed in the two or three Earth revolutions since coming here. But that's all BECAUSE of—" Peridot raised her eyebrows and grinned as the human in question wandered into the room. "STEVEN!" she yelled, running off the stage to greet him. He laughed and they hugged, leading Dewey to smirk.

Perfect. Her only reason for running had just arrived. It was time to put an end to this.

"Peridot?" Steven said, still laughing. "I was gone for, like, three days, and now you've got the whole town having this big meeting? What's going on?"

"Steven! How was Homeworld? Is it just like I remember it? Did they shatter you? No, of course they didn't shatter you, that's ridiculous. Did they torture you?"

Steven shook his head. "Peridot, I'm glad to see you too, and I promise I'll explain what happened soon, but… what's going on, here?"

Mayor Dewey stepped offstage as well. "Well, Peridot, it looks like you got what you wanted after all. Steven Universe is safe and sound, here with us in Beach City. What a beautiful reunion between friends! Isn't that right, folks?"

The audience murmured in agreement.

"With Steven back home, I suppose you don't need that money after all," Dewey continued. "So I guess you don't need to get elected! Don't worry. You can still drop out, before it's too late."

Steven gave Peridot a funny look. "You were running for Mayor?"

"She was!" Dewey said. "She was so devastated by your… disappearance, that she decided she'd do anything to save you. Now, as her friend, I warned against it, after all, I wouldn't wish the burden of becoming mayor on ANYBODY, it is SUCH a difficult job, but she insisted." Dewey laughed. "Ah, but all's well that ends well, right? You're here, and now she can go back to her normal life and… grow talking grapes, or whatever she does now."

Peridot glared at Mayor Dewey. "Come on, Steven. Let's go," she said as she dragged Steven out.

"Uh, bye guys, it was nice seeing you all again!" he said, waving as the door closed behind them.

Sadie stood up in the audience. "Wait, where's Lars?" she asked.

Dewey chuckled. "Well, that's the end of that. I trust you'll all make the right decision on Election Day."

Several people in the audience seemed less than pleased with him.

Peridot peaked into the green room. "Come on, Lapis. The debate's over. I won." She looked around. "Where's Connie?"

Lapis stood up from her seat and put down her magazine. "Oh, uh, the Crystal Gems called her on an important mission."

"Hmm. Oh well. Let's head back to the barn."

Steven tugged at Peridot's arm. "Connie went home," he explained. "She was there when I got back, she knows I'm safe."

Peridot smiled. "Wonderful! So we don't need to make any stops."

Lapis stepped out of the room. "Wait, is that Steven with you?"

Peridot nodded. "He's back!" she exclaimed happily. "Now he can explain to me what the deal is with that video!"

"Wait, Peridot, what was going on back there with the Mayor?" Steven asked. "You were trying to get elected?"

"Mayor Dewey wouldn't provide us with the funds to build a light distortion drive to save you," Peridot explained, "and robbing a bank felt tacky, so I decided to run for mayor and embezzle the funds."

Steven hummed. "Huh. I feel like robbing a bank would have been easier. And quicker. And maybe safer."

"ANYWAY, I challenged him to a debate so I could convince the people to elect me. That's what that was."

Steven chuckled. "Oh, jeez," he said, still laughing. "It's a good thing I'm here, then, now you don't have to run for office!" He continued to laugh, his laugh becoming more and more nervous as he realized Peridot wasn't. "Right, Peridot? ...Peridot?"

"Oh, no, no no no, I'm still running," Peridot corrected. "In fact, at this point, I am now void of all conflicts of interest and I am FAR less likely now to partake in embezzlement compared to before, so people might be even MORE likely to elect me."

Steven frowned. "Peridot, I don't think that's such a good idea."

"He called me a 'walking Doritos advertisement'," Peridot said. "I have no idea what that means, but he can't be allowed to get away with it! Don't you get it, Steven? This means war. Mayor Dewey insulted me, and now… he's going down. He attacked my Peri-Pride, Steven. He stepped on a cat's tail, and the cat's about to scratch back." Peridot started to walk ahead, before turning around and making a scratching motion with her right hand, mimicking a cat. "Hiss, hiss." She turned back around and continued walking, Lapis following close behind her.

Steven stopped following. He looked extremely worried. "Oh, jeeeeez," he groaned, before resuming his walk to catch up with Peridot.

* * *

Mayor Dewey sat in his office, looking again at a stack of papers he'd been handed. "Hmm. Lotta potholes in the roads."

The two aides from before entered the room. "Mayor Dewey, sir, here's some more polling data," the woman said. "How would you like to proceed?"

Dewey chuckled. "Toss that in the garbage. Didn't you hear? My opponent dropped out."

The aides looked at each other, and the man spoke up. "Sir, Peridot is still on the ballots."

"Well of COURSE she is, it just happened today, the election commission needs time to—"

"No, I mean she's still running, AND she's within ten points of you. She just put another attack ad out on you on YouTube."

Mayor Dewey raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"

The aide placed a laptop on Dewey's desk and clicked the mouse. A video began to play.

"I'm Peridot, and I approve this message," Peridot's voice said over a dramatic black and white video of herself, wearing a suit and tie and walking in slow motion down a road while cherry blossom petals fell in front of her.

"I don't love my own son," Mayor Dewey said within the video. The sentence had been cut from an amateur recording of the earlier debate. The real Mayor Dewey raised his eyebrows.

A booming, dramatic movie trailer voice began to speak as red Impact text flashed in front of a black screen. "Mayor Dewey doesn't love his own son. He doesn't love you, either. Beach City: the choice is yours. Do you want a capable kindergartener, with thousands of years of experience under her belt," a picture of Peridot flashed onscreen. She was bathed in sunlight, and it appeared that rays of light had been Photoshopped behind her to make it seem like she herself radiated light. Behind her flew a bald eagle, and she held an American flag. "Or do you want this man?"

The picture that Peridot had photoshopped earlier of Dewey wearing the toothbrush mustache flashed onscreen. A lightning sound effect was suddenly inserted into the video, and an evil witch's laugh could be heard as the picture suddenly became demonic. It was now tinted in red and sported devil horns and an evil glare. The picture then began to zoom slowly toward the viewer.

"Make the right choice, Beach City. Covfefegate has gone on long enough. 2017 is in your hands. Paid for by the Peridot for Mayor Foundation."

Dewey stared in complete shock at the video. "What?!" was all he could say as he continued to look at the final frame; a crude drawing of Peridot standing over a defeated Mayor Dewey.

This meant war.


	4. Chapter 4: The C-Word

**A/N: ...it's still Wednesday somewhere, right?**

* * *

Peridot handed a sheet of paper each to Lapis, Connie, and Steven. From a glance, Connie immediately recognized that the sheet was a printout of a recent poll. "Okay, everyone," Peridot said. "This is the most recent opinion poll taken of Beach City's registered voters. You'll notice that Mayor Dewey still has a ten-point lead over me in terms of approval."

 _That's too close for comfort_ , Steven thought. He loved Peridot, just as he did all of his friends, and he wanted nothing but the best for her, but… he wasn't sure she was capable of running a city. The election was in three weeks, and if things kept going the way they were, a Peridot-led dictatorship over Beach City was a very real possibility. He didn't think she'd intentionally do anything to harm the people, of course, but she did have a tendency to get carried away.

Peridot continued her lecture. "We need to close that gap ASAP, or the election is as good as Dewey's. So! Let's take a look at this data, shall we?"

Connie leaned over to whisper to Steven. "Steven. I'm really worried. Peridot might actually win this."

"I know," Steven whispered back. "She's my friend, and I want her to succeed, but… not like this."

"Let's just hope that Mayor Dewey doesn't do anything else to anger the people," Connie said.

Peridot started drawing on a whiteboard she'd pulled out to show her friends. "So. Ideas! We need ideas. What haven't I done yet?"

Connie and Steven swallowed the lumps in their respective throats. Lapis raised her hand, as if she needed permission to speak.

"Yes, Lapis?" Peridot called on her roommate.

"What if you killed him?"

Steven's eyes widened. "What?!"

Lapis glanced at Steven, then herself raised her eyebrows. "Oh, with kindness, I mean. Sorry. Human expression. I'm not very good remembering at them."

"Kill him with kindness?" Peridot asked. "What do you mean?"

"Well, so far, you and Dewey have been throwing insults at each other," Lapis explained. "I don't know. Maybe if he was the only one breathing fire, it'd make you look better in comparison."

Peridot appeared to consider it. "Hmm. Yes. That is true. If Mayor Dewey insulted me and I refused to retaliate, I'll look like a VICTIM and people will feel bad for me! Great idea, Lapis!"

Steven breathed a sigh of relief, then looked back over at Connie. "I think we're safe. She still doesn't understand politics. As long as Mayor Dewey keeps HIS campaign in order, things are going to be fine."

* * *

Mayor Dewey cleared his throat as he maneuvered an extremely large pair of scissors over a ribbon. The ribbon in question was the only thing standing between the people of Beach City, and a new Panera Bread restaurant, which was to be the final of several new additions to the town (which also included a Whole Foods, several new ethnically-themed and largely overpriced restaurants, and an Alamo Drafthouse movie theater) following the town's reconstruction after the Nostalgia Riots. The crowd stared in anticipation as Mayor Dewey prepared to open the restaurant, which was sure to usher in a new age in Beach City's cultural development.

"My fellow Delmarvians," he began, "this restaurant… Is a symbol. A symbol to how far this town has come with me as its mayor." He lowered the scissors and straightened his tie as he decided to verbally pat himself on the back. "When I was elected, many years ago, Beach City receiving a Panera Bread restaurant seemed like an impossibility. The people of this city never knew the taste of a delicious Mediterranean egg white sandwich. The almost super-natural qualities of the cheese Danishes were once a far-off dream, and now? It is a reality."

One citizen spoke up. "You take too long to do speeches, I just made up my mind, I'm voting for the other lady."

Dewey cleared his throat nervously. "Uh, all of that being said, in just moment, I am going to cut this ribbon—"

"Just like you cut ties with the other parties of the Keystone Climate Accord?" another citizen said. They appeared to be wearing a homemade t-shirt that said "I'm with her, Make Beach City Great Again, PERIDOT!"

"Okay, uh, can we talk about this restaurant I'm about to-?"

The two aides from the debate—Dewey, having not bothered to remember their names before, now knew them as Stan and Jan—approached. "Mayor Dewey," Stan said. "That 'thing' requires your attention."

"Now?" Dewey asked. "I'm kind of in the middle of-"

"The governor can't wait, sir," Jan interrupted. "The crisis has reached threat level Orange."

"Orange?! Jeez, I thought Carney had this under control!"

The crowd just stared as Dewey argued with his aides. One spoke up. "What are you guys talking about?"

Dewey was suddenly extremely aware of the fact that he was still supposed to be giving a speech about the delicious, affordable breakfast sandwiches one could purchase at Panera Bread. "Oh. Uh, this isn't any concern of yours! Let's focus on the grand opening! I'm proud to-"

"Mayor, we need you right now," Tom repeated.

"What are you hiding from us?!" another citizen demanded.

"Listen, can't we just-"

"Sorry, sir," Jan said, grabbing Dewey's arm. "It can't wait."

Dewey resisted, but he was dragged away. "Now hold on a minute! Why- can't I- what are you doing?"

The shocked and angry crowd just stood there, and stared at the uncut ribbon. Suddenly, one began to chant. "Peridot. Peridot. Peridot." One by one, the rest began to join in. "Peridot. Peridot. Peridot. Peridot." Soon, everyone was angrily chanting. "Peridot! Peridot! Vote Peridot!"

Sadie got to the front of the crowd and addressed everyone. "I don't know about you guys, but I'm getting pretty sick of Mayor Dewey!"

"Yeah!"

"What is he hiding from us?" Sadie asked. "Why is it so much more important than opening this beautiful restaurant, whose food is not only delicious but also affordable and freshly made on-site? Whose macaroni is the best in the country, and possibly on the planet?"

"Yeah!" the crowd began rambling in outrage.

"So, are we just gonna take it?"

"No!"

Sadie grinned. "That's right! I say we all teach Mayor Dewey a lesson, by making sure he never wins an election again! Get the word out. Three weeks from now, Peridot is getting put in that office!"

The crowd dispersed, all with only one thing on their minds:

Voting for Peridot.

* * *

The warp pad hummed as the Crystal Gems arrived back at the temple, having completed their latest mission. Amethyst immediately ran to the sofa and flopped onto it in total exhaustion. "Uuggggggh, why can't the President solve his own problems?" she complained.

Pearl rolled her eyes and stepped off the pad. "There was a monster loose in the White House," she commented. "We had to do something."

"Maybe that Giant Douche should get better security," Amethyst muttered.

Pearl glared and covered Steven's ears. "Amethyst, language."

"He IS! Wouldn't even let me eat that cake!"

"The cake was for former President Carter and his First Lady! It wasn't FOR you!"

"All I'm sayin' is, I was the 'First Lady' to get me a slice of that cake."

While Pearl and Amethyst continued to bicker, Steven wandered over to the kitchen. He hadn't had breakfast yet today, and he was STARVING. After helping Peridot with campaign stuff the entire previous night, he decided he'd just take it easy today and play video games. He listened idly to his caretakers' argument while he prepared to cook some macaroni & cheese.

"All I wanted was a slice!" Amethyst defended.

"Your version of a 'slice' is over three quarters of the cake," Pearl countered.

"If she eats it all in one piece, that IS technically still a slice," Garnet commented. "Steven, your friend's here."

Steven perked up and looked over at the door. Sure enough, less than a minute later, Connie entered, looking extremely panicked. "AHHHH!" she screamed, the distressed look on her face concerning Steven.

"Ahhhh?" he asked.

"AHHHHH!" Connie ran over to Steven with a sheet of paper in her hand. "Have you SEEN this poll?!" she asked, her voice raised considerably.

"No, I was on a mission all day. What's-" Steven was cut off as Connie shoved the paper in his face. He read it, and soon a look of worry appeared on his face as well. "Peridot's polling five percentage points behind Mayor Dewey," he said, his voice low and coarse. "Peridot's only five points behind! Oh my gosh. The election's in three weeks, what are we going to do?!" he asked, now panicked as well.

Amethyst laughed. "Whoa, Peri's running for mayor? That's hilarious."

Steven looked over at Amethyst. "It's not funny, it's really scary! She doesn't know the first thing about running a city!"

Pearl chuckled as she approached the kids. "Oh, please, Steven. It's a mayorship, not a dictatorship. The only thing she'll be 'running' is the toll booth on the Dulles Greenway."

Garnet approached the group as well. "Actually, the Dulles Greenway is near Capital City, not Beach City," she corrected. "She'd be running the toll booth going across the McCormick Bridge."

"Oh."

Steven shook his head. "It's not really even that that I'm worried about. What comes next after mayorship? Governorship. Imagine Peridot at the head of Delmarva's government. What if she runs for PRESIDENT after that? The President is so unpopular, Peridot could beat him with her hands tied behind her back!"

"Well she isn't going to GET that far," Pearl said. "She's going to get elected, realize how tough the job is, and resign. Although, just to be on the safe side, we probably should just convince her to drop out," she said, placing a finger to her face.

Garnet knelt down to meet Steven's eyes with her own. "Steven. Do you believe Peridot has bad intentions for Beach City?"

"Of course not!" Steven denied. "She wouldn't hurt anyone! ...anymore. Not on purpose. But-"

"Then everything will be fine," Garnet replied, smiling. "She's got a good heart, she really wants to help people by doing this."

"It's just… I don't think she knows what she's getting into," Steven sighed. "What if she-"

Garnet stood back up and ruffled the younger one's Ste-fro. "She's smart. She'll figure the job out and probably be a better leader than Mayor Dewey ever could be." Her stoic look returned as she remained silent for a moment. "Besides, she's got a high probability of screwing things up in the next two weeks and losing the election."

"How high?" Steven asked immediately.

"Very, very, very high."

"But not guaranteed?"

Garnet frowned and paused again. "No. She's still got a chance."

"Even if the odds are low, there's still one or two futures out of a hundred where she beats Mayor Dewey," Steven said. "And those just aren't chances we can take!"

Pearl frowned. "Steven? Do you think there's another reason you might be against this?"

Steven raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

"Well… If Peridot gets elected, she'll obviously be very busy," Pearl reasoned. "You know, with running the city and all of that. Is it possible that… maybe you're worried you won't see her as much? If at all?"

Connie looked at Steven. "Is that what you're worried about, Steven?"

Steven looked sad for a second, then glanced at the floor. "No. That's not it." He didn't look Pearl in the eyes, however.

"Steven, it's okay if-"

"No it's not!" Steven yelled. "It's selfish! Why would I want to sabotage my friend's dreams just because I'm secretly afraid of losing her?"

Amethyst spoke up. "You know, Steven, it's okay to be a LITTLE selfish sometimes." She shrugged. "I'm selfish all the time! You just gotta own up to it, you know?"

"Amethyst, I'm not-"

"Amethyst is right," Garnet said. "Letting go of family is hard. It's alright to be scared of changes."

Steven looked back down at the floor, a sad expression remaining on his face. "Maybe I'm a little selfish," he admitted. "When we first met Peridot, she was one of the scariest things I'd ever seen in my life. But now, she's… I mean, she's one of US. She and Lapis both. They're Crystal Gems. But… Sometimes I feel like we don't treat them like Crystal Gems. It seems like I go MONTHS without seeing them, and I didn't even really notice it at first, but… When Aquamarine put me on that ship and I was headed for Homeworld, I realized… I didn't say goodbye to them. I thought I was going to be shattered, and they wouldn't have known how or why. And I felt… bad. I felt like I did a bad thing, by not telling them first. Giving them a call, or something, just to say goodbye and let them know that I wasn't coming back." Steven looked back up at the rest of the Crystal Gems. "So when Lars sacrificed himself to get me back home, I promised myself I'd be a better friend and treat them more like family. I… I was even going to ask you guys if it was possible to… I don't know… Create another room in the temple, for them to live in and make their own, get them out of that barn and be Crystal Gems for REAL. But now that Peridot's running this campaign, I just… I don't… She doesn't have time for me anymore. And when she gets elected, that won't change. She'll just have even less time."

Garnet smiled again. "Then tell her that," she said. "I'm sure she'll understand."

Connie looked over at the door. "Well, now's your chance," she said, pointing to the gem in question, who was walking up the stairs and towards the door.

"Why doesn't she just use the warp?" Pearl questioned, rolling her eyes.

Peridot entered the house with a wide grin on her face. "Steven!" she greeted, her voice filled with glee. "Have you SEEN the most recent polls? The Delmarva Post thinks I've got a shot, AND the mayors of Ocean Town, Bethesda, and Leesburg have called to personally endorse me!"

Steven looked away. "Yeah, that's … that's great."

Peridot seemed not to notice her friend's upset look. "I've even got an interview on Elliot in the Morning tomorrow!" She looked rather proud of herself. "I'm making waves across the Eastern Seaboard."

Steven still wouldn't make eye contact. "That's great, Peridot. Listen, I think-"

"Steven. Get this. Bernie. Sanders. Is endorsing me. I don't even know who that IS, but Sadie sure did seem impressed."

Steven sighed. "Yeah, that sure is-. Wait. Sadie? You've been hanging out with Sadie?"

Peridot chuckled. "Well, she IS my PR manager. She's been getting the word out about me all over town and bringing people over to our side!"

"'Our side?'" Steven repeated, suddenly looking very annoyed. "So wait, you have time for SADIE, but you don't have time for ME?"

Peridot reached over and grabbed Steven's far shoulder, pulling him in close. "Of COURSE I have time for you. YOU'RE the poster boy of my campaign! 'Believe in Steven!' That's my new slogan!" She held up a t-shirt, which was decorated with a star, a picture of Steven's face, and the slogan "Believe in Steven".

Steven stared at the t-shirt, totally baffled. "You're using my name to sell t-shirts."

"And wristbands, and baseball caps, and hoodies… This campaign is practically funding itself."

Steven was really annoyed at this point. "Peridot-"

"Who knows? This wave of popularity might even carry me to the White House," Peridot said, again seeming extremely proud of herself.

Steven's eyes widened. No. "The White House…?" he asked. He hoped he'd misunderstood.

"Yup! Some people are saying that if this goes well, I might be able to challenge the PRESIDENT in 2020!" Peridot stared off into space, fantasizing. "Imagine it! Me! Formerly one of the lowest Gems on Homeworld's hierarchy, eventually the LEADER of the most powerful civilization on the planet they tried to colonize! Talk about getting a promotion, eh Ste-"

"I think you should drop out," Steven said suddenly, cutting Peridot off.

Peridot's gleeful look slowly turned into one of confusion. "What?"

"I think you should quit," Steven said. "It's just, you know, I don't think you really know what you're getting into, and you might do more harm than good."

Peridot frowned. "Quit?" She chuckled nervously. "I- Steven, I- I'm so close, I can't quit now."

"Yeah, you're really close, that's WHY you should quit," Steven said. "I mean, let's face it. Do you know ANYTHING about running a human city?"

Peridot was taken aback. Her best friend was telling her to… Give up. "Steven, I don't understand. Why-"

"It's just that, you know, you really don't know what you're doing!" Steven reasoned, not really noticing—or, perhaps, not really caring—how much he was offending Peridot. "Sometimes you just gotta recognize that and call it quits, you know?"

"The people of Beach City want ME to lead them!"

"Sure, they WANT you, but maybe they don't NEED you. Maybe THEY don't know what they're getting into either."

Peridot glared. "Steven, what's gotten into you? You're being a jerk. This isn't like you."

Connie looked over at Steven. "Steven, maybe you should dial it back bit, huh?"

"Peridot, please trust me," Steven pleaded. "You have NO idea how to run Beach City. People are gonna get hurt."

"Get hurt? I'm—do you really have no faith in me?"

There was a beat of silence between the two. Finally, Steven sighed and said "No."

"Oh no," Garnet said, having already seen the outcome of this argument.

Peridot glared again. She was starting to get mad, too. "Steven. Without me, that GIANT DOUCHE—" Pearl put her hand in her face, giving up on trying to keep everyone's mouths G-rated "—is running unopposed! SOMEBODY has to teach him a lesson!"

Amethyst spoke up, lost in thought. "If Mayor Dewey's a Giant Douche, what does that make you?" she asked offhandedly, not even really realizing that a serious argument was going on. Pearl glared at her.

"Amethyst."

Peridot's eyes widened, and she stared at Amethyst for a moment before returning her gaze to Steven. "Do you think I'm a Turd Sandwich?"

"Peridot, it's more complicated than—"

"Do you. Think I'm a Turd Sandwich?"

Steven was about to lose it. "Well, to be honest, Peridot, you're kind of acting worse than a Turd Sandwich! You're acting like-"

"Like what?"

"Like a clod!" Steven yelled without even thinking. As soon as the word left his mouth, he stepped back and instantly regretted it. Everyone in the room gasped. "No, wait, I didn't mean-"

"You just called me the c-word."

Steven shook his head. "Peridot, I didn't mean that. That was a dumb thing to say, I have no idea what-"

"You know, Steven, I did this for you," Peridot said, with a sense of severity in her voice that Steven hadn't heard… ever.

"You did this for YOU," Steven yelled back, wiping a tear from his eye. "You're not a clod, but you are selfish! What-"

"SELFISH?!" Peridot shouted, offended. "I'm SELFISH?! Laying down MY FREE TIME to help YOU and serve the people of this city is SELFISH?!" She, too, seemed to be about to cry. "Believe in Steven. Yeah. Okay. You think I can't do it, don't you? You think I'm an IDIOT."

"I don't-"

"Well, I'll show you!" Peridot yelled, marching over to the door. She was so furious right now, she didn't even want to be NEAR Steven. "And by the way: YOU'RE WELCOME, YOU CLOD!" She slammed the door and marched off, steam practically erupting from her ears.

All of the room's occupants stared at the door, in total shock at what just happened. Steven looked the most shocked out of everyone. Why… Did he act like that?

He really was selfish.

"Guys. I think I messed up."

Silence.

"Boy, I'll say," Amethyst responded. "She is pissed. Off."

Peridot stomped angrily across the beach. "I can't believe this!" she said to herself. "I did all of this for HIM! HE was the reason I needed that money, HE was the reason I challenged Mayor Dewey, and HE was the reason I even had a shot in the first place!" She crossed her arms and leaned up against a rocky outcropping. Peridot decided she'd just hang out here and cool down for a bit, but as she slid down to sit on the sand, her butt hit a hard piece of… something metal. "What…?" She stood back up and looked at what she'd just sat on. She started digging it out of the sand and pulled it out once enough of it was free.

She recognized this. She couldn't believe it was still here. It was one of the navigation components from the warship she'd piloted to Earth so long ago. Useless, now, but… it was still here. The Crystal Gems must have missed it when they cleaned up the beach after the ship went down.

"I… Wasn't always so great, huh?" she asked herself, rhetorically. Of course she wasn't. She used to be a monster. "Is this why Steven doesn't want me to win? Is he afraid I'll do… something like this, again?"

She had to admit, political power was something of a corrupting influence. But the fact that Steven thought she'd abuse it… Well, she couldn't exactly blame him.

But she wouldn't drop out. Even if Steven hated her now, she still made a promise to everyone else, and she was determined to keep it. She'd prove Steven wrong, and then they could all be friends again. At the end of the day, that was all she wanted.

It was at this point that Lapis arrived, wearing a soda drinking hat (which she didn't know how to use) and a Washington Redskins t-shirt (she didn't even know what football was), holding a foam finger as well. Peridot looked up at her.

"You were supposed to be putting up posters at the amusement park," Peridot said.

"I did," Lapis responded, before sitting down next to Peridot. "It wasn't that hard. I just found a spot and stapled them to it."

"You stapled the entire stack to one spot?"

"It was a little hard, and at first I thought I was doing something wrong, but I figured it out." They were silent for a moment. Peridot couldn't even be annoyed. "I got done really quick, so I played a few games and won some prizes. Here," Lapis continued, tossing a plush alien to her friend. "It's to replace the one that's in our aquarium."

"Thanks," Peridot muttered.

"Is something on your mind?" Lapis asked. "You don't seem as… Excitable as you normally are."

"I think Steven hates me."

"Oh."

Silence.

"How come?"

Peridot sighed. "He thinks I'm going to… do something bad when I get elected. Go on a power trip, or something." Peridot suddenly remembered how much _Lapis_ hated her when she first moved into the barn. "Oh, jeez," she muttered.

Lapis shrugged. "Well, if it's any consolation, _I_ don't hate you," she said. "Pumpkin doesn't hate you. The city doesn't hate you. So who cares what Steven thinks?"

"I do."

"Actually, yeah, I do too. Do you think he hates me, too?"

"Probably not."

"Well, that's good, at least."

Another beat of silence.

"Lapis?"

"Mm?"

"Am I doing the right thing?"

Lapis thought about it for a moment. "You're doing what YOU think is the right thing. And that's all that matters." Lapis reached her arm around Peridot and pulled her in close. "Like I said. All the humans around here are looking up to you. Which is impressive, considering your… stature. And Steven will, too. Just give it time. I know you'll do great things."

Peridot smiled, although she still wasn't sure of herself. "Thanks, Lapis." The two decided to remain there for a while, staring at the ocean as it reflected the sunlight. "You know, it's funny. I started this campaign because I thought we were going to lose him. It seems like that might happen anyway."

"That's not funny. That's really messed up."


	5. Chapter 5: Strong and Stable

Steven placed a newspaper on the covfefe table. The Crystal Gems, whom he'd gathered for an important team meeting, all leaned in and read the headline.

"Hung Parliament following United Kingdom General Election," Pearl read out loud. "Steven, we don't live in England. What does this have to do with us?"

Steven looked at Garnet. "Garnet predicted it would be a landslide."

Amethyst, Pearl, and Connie looked at Garnet, who simply shrugged. "Sometimes I get it wrong."

"Steven, Garnet's visions aren't certain, they're just based on probabilities," Pearl said. "But what—"

"Garnet said the probability of one party winning a majority was huge," Steven interrupted. "But this still happened anyway."

"Steven, do you know how probabilities work?" Connie asked, trying not to sound condescending.

"The point is that even though one outcome was more LIKELY, the other one happened anyway," Steven explained. "The same thing happened with the election over here. Garnet said one candidate would win. Then the other one won instead. What if the same thing happens over here? What if, despite Garnet's predictions, Peridot wins the election, and I never get to see her again, so I never apologize, and she never forgives me, and I've just lost a friend?"

Garnet placed a hand on Steven's shoulder. "Steven. Relax. Everything's going to be okay." She smiled. "I don't know for certain how this election's going to turn out, but I DO know one thing for certain. Peridot will ALWAYS be your friend. Even if you fight sometimes."

Steven didn't seem comforted. "You really think so?"

Amethyst laughed. "Yeah. Me and Pearl fight all the time! Remember when I made a mess in the kitchen and didn't clean it up?"

"That was five minutes ago," Pearl muttered, shooting an annoyed glare at the still messy kitchen. "But she's right. We're all family, and sometimes family members bicker."

"Besides," Garnet said, leaning back in her seat and crossing a leg over the other. "Your fight with Peridot actually increased her chances of screwing something up at tonight's debate. I suppose the real question we should be asking is… Do you WANT her to fail?"

Steven looked down at the ground. No. Of course he didn't. He wanted her to be as successful as possible. But… If that success ruins their friendship, how can he be happy for her? "Guys. I've made a decision. I'm not going to get involved. Whatever happens in this election happens." He began to walk away. "After it's all over, I'm going to apologize for calling her a clod. But right now, I've already influenced things too much. I need to take a step back."

Steven left the beach house, presumably to go drown his sorrows in ice cream treats at the Big Donut. Pearl sighed. "I wish Steven would stop doing this to himself. This election ISN'T as important as he's making it sound." She began to laugh at the thought of Peridot as mayor. "I mean, what kind of power will Peridot REALLY have?"

"It's not about a power struggle anymore," Garnet corrected. "It's personal now. Steven's scared that his friend's going to leave him behind, and Peridot just wants to prove to him that she can run Beach City."

"Those two should just fuse and get it over with," Amethyst said, chuckling.

"Amethyst," Pearl scolded. "Inappropriate."

"I'm just sayin'! There's a lotta tension there and they gotta get it out SOMEHOW!"

Connie glared at Amethyst.

* * *

"Okay Mayor, here's everything you need for the debate," Stan said, handing Dewey a stack of papers while Jan stood next to him and prepared to explain their contents. Before she could, however, Dewey looked over them and raised an eyebrow in confusion.

"This is sheet music," Dewey said. "Why am I getting sheet music?"

"The debate moderator is a HUGE fan of Broadway musicals," Jan explained. "We talked to some people involved in organizing the debate, and he's going to make you argue through song."

"That's stupid!" Dewey complained. "Why am I even here? Why couldn't somebody represent me?"

"Because the British Prime Minister had someone represent her in their debates, sir," Stan responded. "Her party doesn't carry the majority anymore. We simply can't take any chances. Plus, it's like you said. Those Crystal Gems sing and cry a lot, so there's no doubt Peridot's got the advantage in this debate."

* * *

Peridot shuffled through a stack of papers, panicked. "What? WHAT?! We have to SING?! WHO DECIDED THAT?!"

While Peridot panicked, Lapis was busy googling information on the guy with the shorter gem's tablet. "It says here that he's been moderating musical debates since the 2012 Presidential Election, when he presided over the debate where President Obama uttered his famous 'horses and bayonets' quip, which would later go on to become an Internet meme."

Peridot looked up at Lapis. "Lapis. I don't know what that is," she said slowly, almost as if she was trying to figure it out as she said it.

"Peridot, relax. The debate is in two parts, one spoken and one lyrical. If you absolutely nail the spoken part, how you perform lyrically won't matter."

Peridot sighed. "I hope you're right. I can't carry a note to save my life. See, listen." She then proceeded to hum a perfect C scale, staying exactly on pitch the entire time and working across two octaves. Lapis stared in amazement.

"Peridot, that was amazing."

"No it wasn't. The other Crystal Gems can work across four octaves. My range is pathetic."

Lapis shrugged. "Just do your best out there. Remember: we want to show Steven that you can lead. We're doing this for him."

"I don't want to think about that right-"

"Peridot." Lapis leaned in close. "You'll get him back. I promise, he doesn't hate you."

Peridot shut her eyes tight and tried to calm down. "Alright. Okay. Deep breaths, Peridot. You can do this."

Lapis recoiled in disgust. "You started breathing?"

"It helps me manage my stress, PLEASE do not judge me about it right now, because I'm not in the mood."

Lapis held her hands up defensively. "Alright, fine. It's just a little weird, that's all."

"You know what's weird, Lapis?" Peridot asked, rhetorically of course. "You snore. That's weird." Peridot then turned around and left the room, ready for her debate. Lapis shrugged and started reading a magazine, but Peridot poked her head back in. "I'm sorry, that was rude. You're not weird." She closed the door again, and Lapis returned to her magazine, but Peridot poked her head in again. "I lied. You are weird. But I care about you anyway." Peridot left again, this time for good.

* * *

"Decision, 2017: the final debate in the race to the Mayorship of Beach City, with your moderator, Tim Hairpiece."

Tim Hairpiece, the debate's moderator, sat at his table and shuffled some papers. Behind him sat a studio audience, which included nearly every resident of Beach City, as well as some new faces comprised of people who traveled from across the East Coast to spectate. "Good evening, folks. I'm Tim Hairpiece. Welcome to tonight's debate. Since the last debate, this election has gained national attention, with some across the political spectrum saying this election could pave the way for others like Peridot to hold elected office. As such, the audience behind me includes a variety of spectators, including former Presidents Barack Obama and Bill Clinton. Ok, no pressure, guys."

Mayor Dewey was absolutely feeling the pressure. Peridot didn't know who either of those people were, so she was only as nervous as before.

"Okay, folks," Tim continued. "We're going to start you off with some basic questions, and then we're going to move right into the musical segment. Got it?"

"Understood," Peridot said.

"Got it," Dewey replied.

Tim smiled. "Alright then. Let's get right into this. Peridot."

"Yes?"

"Why does she get the first question?" Dewey complained.

The Crystal Gems watched from the audience. Steven was notably missing. "Well, they're off to a great start," Pearl said. She glanced over at President Clinton, who was a few seats down, then leaned back in her seat and grumbled to herself. "Bill's here. Great."

Connie raised an eyebrow. "You know him?"

"Let's just say Rose made more than one trip to Arkansas while he was Governor."

Suddenly, the crowd started cheering. Clearly, Peridot had just said something poignant.

"Oh, jeez, I think we missed Peridot's answer," Connie said, returning her attention to the debate.

"Mayor Dewey, your response?"

Dewey straightened his tie as he prepared his very important and dignified response. "Well, Tim, my opponent claims that—"

"You ever wonder why the Crystal Gems don't get involved in politics?" Pearl asked Connie, who a) did not ever wonder this, nor was she currently wondering, and b) was desperately trying to ignore the conversation and pay attention to the debate. "That's why. All of the big politicians hate us. It doesn't matter, the Clintons, the Bushes, we've stepped on everyone's toes one way or another. Roosevelt and Truman tried to blame Roswell on us, Hoover blamed the Great Depression on us, Lincoln, Jackson, all the way back to George Washington, they all blamed us for some problem or another."

"Wait, I thought you said the Crystal Gems crossed the Delmarva River with George Washington?" Connie asked, again tearing her attention away from the debate.

"Well, we did, it was AFTER the American Revolution that things started getting messy. You see, it all started when Amethyst got into an argument with Thomas Jefferson over—"

The crowd "ooh"ed. Clearly, Dewey had just said something scathing.

"Oh, darn it!" Connie said. "We missed Mayor Dewey's response."

"—and THAT'S why Washington only served two terms," Pearl concluded her story, unaware that Connie missed most of it. "So I guess it was for the best. It set a precedent followed by every President since then until FDR, and let me tell you, THAT'S an entirely different story, while he was coming up with the idea for the New Deal—"

"So, to conclude that response," Peridot said, responding to a question that Connie missed, "I do think that should be legal. No doubt about it."

"Okay," Tim Hairpiece said as he shuffled his papers. "Let's get into the really messed up hard-hitting questions, shall we?"

"Really messed up hard-hitting questions?" Peridot asked. "That doesn't sound good."

"Oh, it's fine, I'm just going to ask you both super messed up things about potentially incriminating things you did in the past."

Dewey and Peridot both stared at the moderator in complete silence, Peridot's mouth agape at how forthcoming he was. This certainly would be an interesting day. "Are you sure you're a debate moderator?" Peridot asked.

"Yeah," Dewey agreed. "It kind of just seems like you're trying to start drama."

Hairpiece sneered slightly as he chuckled and reshuffled his papers once again. "The audience loves drama," he said, his laugh making both candidates extremely uncomfortable.

"We're not here to entertain them," Peridot argued, "we're here to get our points across so they can decide who to vote for. This isn't a Broadway show!"

"You're talking out of turn, Peridot," the moderator scolded. "Wouldn't want that big mouth of yours to get you in trouble, now would we?"

"Excuse me?"

"What's going on?" Connie asked. "Why's the moderator acting like that?"

Pearl glanced around the room. Upon closer inspection, it appeared the room had, in addition to the broadcast cameras previously seen, a full-sized television crew, a guy with a soundboard, and several lights on the ceiling which bore instructions for the audience, including "applaud", "laugh", and "ooh".

"Oh, no," Pearl muttered. "I see what's going on here."

"What?"

"All the attention Peridot's been getting outside of Beach City hasn't been genuine," Pearl explained. She sighed as she took one more look around the room. "It makes for good television. That's what's going on. The TV networks are using this election for ratings."

"That's… really dirty!"

"Yeah," Amethyst laughed, "but it's funny."

"We have to do something!" Connie exclaimed, standing up, although Garnet made her sit back down.

"Not right now. If we go up there, we'll just make a bigger mess of things," she said. "There's going to be an intermission before the musical debate, we can probably convince her to leave the debate hall then."

"Now then," Tim Hairpiece continued. "Peridot. Let's talk about your past… Ah, 'political affiliations', shall we?"

Pearl narrowed her eyes. "Political… Oh. Oh no."

"What?" Connie asked, slightly worried.

"Peridot just lost this election. And she might become a social pariah."

"Ladies and gentlemen," Tim Hairpiece announced, "boys and girls. THIS… is what I call television." He clicked a button on his table, and a rather large flat-panel television began to descend from the ceiling. Dewey and Peridot both turned to face it, Dewey with a confused look, Peridot with an annoyed one.

"Did you pay him?" she asked the mayor, raising an eyebrow. "This is idiotic."

"No, I'm just as surprised as you are," Dewey responded. "Mr. Hairpiece, what is this?"

"Yeah, can we get back to the REAL debate?" Peridot crossed her arms and turned back to face the moderator, rolling her eyes as she did so. "In case you were unaware, _genius_ , the people of this town are already fully informed about my prior affiliations with the Great Diamond Authority. I don't think they know what that is, even though it's been explained to them REPEATEDLY, but regardless, they know enough to know they're not the good guys. I have, in the past, renounced my allegiance to them, so who cares?"

"Sure, but do they know WHAT you did on behalf of your previous superiors?" Tim asked, still smirking.

"What- what business is it of yours?" Peridot said, more confused than she was worried. Actually, the only 'worrying' thing about this situation was how biased the moderator seemed to be. "Aren't you supposed to be impartial?"

"I am impartial!" Tim said. "I literally don't care which of you gets elected, because, to be honest, you're both terrible and should be barred from holding any elected office whatsoever. I'm a TV producer. And what do TV audiences across the country want to see right now? They want to see DRAMA!"

Peridot rolled her eyes again as Tim pushed another button on his desk. "What, are you going to play a clip from TMZ?"

" _So,"_ Peridot heard a familiar, yet somehow unrecognizable voice begin from behind her. She raised an eyebrow as she listened to what was coming out of the television's speakers. " _Lapis Lazuli. Specifically, Facet-6g9l, Cut-7MC… Oh, boy, you're an old one, huh?"_

Peridot turned around in horror. That voice… It belonged to the one Gem Peridot feared more than anyone else in the world.

Herself. Specifically, herself from about two earth revolutions into the past.

" _What do you want with me?"_

" _Answers. The Crystal Gems were thought destroyed long ago. So to find them on Earth after so much time has passed, well… it's a little concerning, to say the least," Peridot said._

"Where did you get this?" Peridot asked.

"It's amazing what a cleanup crew can find digging in the sand for a few hours," Tim chuckled. "Bits of metal, old machinery, computers… _black box records._ "

"You found the ship's security footage?!" Peridot asked, alarmed. "That's mine. I demand you hand it over!"

"Sure thing. I'll email you the folder."

Peridot glared at Tim before returning her attention to the television.

" _I've already told you everything I know," Lapis said, looking sadly at the towering monster above her._

" _Mm. No you haven't," Peridot replied, readying what appeared to be a gem destabilizer. "Because if you had," she began as she proceeded to shock Lapis with it, "we'd already know where they are!"_

 _Lapis screamed in pain; Peridot had intentionally kept the weapon at a low voltage to avoid disrupting her physical form. "So. I'll ask you again. Where, on that doomed planet, are they?"_

" _You think I know?!" Lapis yelled desperately. "I didn't look at a map, you idio-" she was shocked again._

" _I don't like your tone," Peridot said. "Want to try that again?"_

"Wow," Amethyst whispered as she stuffed a handful of popcorn into her mouth. "Peri's kind of a sadist, huh?"

" _You know, Lazuli, I take no pleasure in this," Peridot said as she paced the table, terrifying metal clangs echoing through the room as her limb enhancers tapped the floor._

"Oh, I guess she isn't a sadist," Amethyst corrected herself.

" _Then why are you doing thi-?"_

" _Why are YOU being so DIFFICULT?" Peridot snapped back, slamming on the table with a limb enhancer. "Who are you protecting and why? What did they do for you? Why do you feel some sort of loyalty to—"_

" _I'm not LOYAL to ANYONE!"_

" _Wrong answer!" Peridot yelled as she shocked Lapis once again. "You SHOULD be loyal to your Diamond. So you'd better start TALKING, because if we go back to Homeworld empty-handed, we're BOTH getting shattered, I can promise you that."_

" _So you're trying to save your own gem here?"_

" _Mine and yours!" Peridot yelled. "You think I WANT to see you get shattered? You think I LIKE hurting you? Far from it. This isn't my usual line of work. I should be in a cushy office, monitoring kindergartens with every command at my fingertips. But NO. Because YOU decided to be DIFFICULT, I now have to INTERROGATE you, and if you think that's easy for me, you're wrong."_

" _Liar."_

" _Excuse me?"_

" _You're a sadist. You LOVE this sort of thing. You don't even KNOW me, why would you feel bad for hurting me?"_

" _Because I'm halfway decent!" Peridot yelled again, throwing her arms up in frustration. "You're LUCKY it was me. Any other Era 2 would be using MUCH more effective tactics on you, believe me, and if you were in here with an Era 1? Oh, Lazuli, believe me, if you think you're in hell now…"_

" _I'm sure that's what they all say."_

 _Peridot turned and glared at Lapis Lazuli. "We'll get the information somehow. I'll be seeing you around, Lazuli. When I get back, you better be ready to cough up those coordinates, or—"_

" _Or what? You'll try and play the victim again?"_

" _And watch your tone next time," Peridot warned. "Because I CAN and WILL get meaner." She turned and left the room. Lapis, having mostly held it together until now, broke down into tears the second Peridot was gone._

The footage cut off here.

"Log Date 7 12 4," Tim read off the file name. "You have NO idea how hard it was to convert that footage to something readable by a computer."

Peridot stared hopelessly at the blank screen. "Why did you show us this?" Peridot said. "Are you trying to… ruin my chances?"

Tim leaned forward. "It makes for good television. I do not care about this election. Elections don't get me paid. RATINGS do."

Peridot turned around and looked out into the crowd. She looked at Sadie, her first supporter, who looked horrified. She looked at Lapis, her roommate, best friend, and _former prisoner_ , who was herself trying not to make eye contact. She looked at the Crystal Gems, who likely didn't know the full extent of what occurred on the trip to Earth before now. She looked at the empty seat where Steven could have been sitting. At first, she was glad he wasn't here. She didn't want him to see that. But… The moderator wanted good television. This debate was being broadcast live. Steven probably saw it on television. Finally, she looked at the moderator, whose motives were SUPER confusing. This wasn't the result of some sort of revenge plot for some crime Peridot unknowingly committed against this man. This wasn't politically motivated. He hadn't been paid off by Dewey.

He was just… A douchebag. Who does stuff like this for fun. And ratings.

Peridot looked down at her own feet. The hall was still silent.

"So! Peridot," Tim Hairpiece continued as if nothing had happened. "What's your response?"

Peridot looked back up at Tim. "The video's filename. It was a log date, yes?"

"Excuse me?"

"Was it a log date?"

"Yes, the titles are all unmodified."

Peridot stood up talk and placed a hand on her podium. "Play the next one in the sequence. Log Date 7 12 5."

Tim raised an eyebrow in confusion. "You want me to play more incriminating tapes?"

"Just do it."

Tim shrugged. "Alright, then," he said as he reached over and clicked another button.

" _Log Date 7 12 5," Peridot could be heard, but not seen. All that could be seen was Lapis, who was still sobbing in her interrogation room. "Compassion, as defined by the Great Diamond Authority, is a weakness. An opportunity for the enemy to get into your mind and manipulate your free will. Compassion is to be avoided at all costs by all of Homeworld's soldiers, as is the case with several other emotions, so we can be strong and stable."_

 _The footage changed to show an image of Peridot. Evidently, she was talking directly into a camera meant for logging this sort of thing. "Strong and stable," she repeated. "This is what every Gem strives to be. Weak and defective. This is what I am. For the entirety of this mission, I have found myself doubting my goals. My informant, Lapis Lazuli, is very resilient. Most interrogation methods have proven ineffective on her. Of course, I take full responsibility for these failures. I've been holding back. This is why I believe myself to be defective. I'm holding back because… I feel bad. And I don't want to hurt her._

" _These weaknesses, typically only faced by fusions, are causing me to second-guess my every action. This session was the hardest, and as hard as it was for me, it was much harder for Lazuli. I'd make sure she's rewarded for her resilience and strength in times of desperation, but… Let's be honest, here. She's getting shattered the second we get back to Homeworld… Isn't she?_

" _In the next session, I will be using more… extreme methods, and I'm hoping I can muster up the strength to do it. My defects are a disadvantage, but I will NOT allow them to be a hindrance. I was given a mission, and I must complete that mission… Or be shattered for my incompetence."_

The log ended here. Peridot looked up at the TV, sadly, before turning back around to face the audience. "'I was just following orders' is an excuse I used to use a lot. But I'm not going to give excuses here. I know that what I did, and how I went about it, was wrong. I didn't know it was back then, but I did feel like something was… off. At the time, I wrote it off as a defect. Perhaps that's still the case. But I have ALWAYS felt bad about what I had to do, even if my superiors—and even my inferiors, as few in numbers as they were—didn't.

"I know that I can't ever make up for the people I've hurt," Peridot continued, looking over at Lapis, who seemed to have stopped avoiding eye contact. "All I can do is apologize. And try not to make the same mistakes again. And hope that they know… That SHE knows… That I'll never do anything like that again. And perhaps, with time, I can earn their forgiveness."

"You already have, you dummy," Lapis muttered to herself, leaning back in her seat as she smiled at Peridot.

Steven watched the debate from his television, and sighed as he listened to Peridot's speech. "I suck," he concluded, flopping back onto his bed.

"So I guess that's really all I have to say," Peridot said. "I did bad things, they can't be redeemed, but I can make sure I do better in the future."

Hairpiece shuffled his papers. "Mm. Yes. Well, redemption stories are sort of boring and predictable and they DON'T pull in ratings, so if you don't mind, we're going to start the musical section."

"Actually, I DO mind," Peridot said. "I think the people of this city have already made up their minds about me. I said what I needed to say. I answered what needed to be answered. Your moderation skills suck." She began to walk away.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"I'm going to go write my concession speech so that I have it ready when I lose the election in two weeks," Peridot said as the door closed behind her.

Dewey smirked. That certainly worked out in his favor. "Such a shame to see her go," he said. "Well! I'm going to be off, now. I'm a very busy man," he continued he walked away as well.

The audience began to depart, murmuring about the night's events. Tim Hairpiece glared at the door as everyone left. "Conceding doesn't make for good television, Peridot," he said. "Don't you think this is over yet. I promise you, before this election is over… I WILL have profited as much as humanly possible from it."

* * *

Peridot stepped out of the building and made her way down the road, Lapis following shortly behind her. "Hey, wait, Peridot. Where are you going?"

"Home."

"Don't tell me you're giving up?"

"I sort of have to. Everyone in Beach City hates me now."

The two grew silent as they walked. "I don't hate you," Lapis said finally, scratching her head as she broke the awkward silence.

"I really am sorry, you know."

"I know. Look, Peridot, you can't give up, yet."

"Why not?"

Lapis looked around the area, then spotted a newspaper lying on the floor. "Because… You haven't even seen tomorrow's polls yet! Who knows, maybe people can look past what just happened!"

"...I guess you're right."

Lapis picked up the newspaper and read it out. "See? Look at this. This morning, you and Dewey were almost neck and neck. Sure, you MIGHT take a hit after tonight, but people have recovered from worse!"

Peridot took the paper and read the piece thoughtfully. "Hmm. You're right. If I play my cards right, I can still turn things around before the election!"

"That's the spirit!" Lapis said, wrapping an arm around Peridot's shoulder. "Peridot, Facet-whatever Cut-whatever doesn't give up! Ever!"

"Yeah! I don't give up!"

After that little pep talk, Lapis and Peridot returned home. Unbeknownst to them, the Crystal Gems had listened in on the conversation, having been standing behind the Big Donut.

"She's obviously delusional," Pearl said. "After tonight, who KNOWS what the people are thinking?"

A few voting-age teenagers walked past the Crystal Gems spoke. "Man. She was so… honest," one said.

"I'm definitely voting for her," another said. The third just nodded. Pearl looked over at the teenagers as they walked past.

"You're kidding me, right?"

* * *

 **A/N: Don't say incriminating things on tape, folks. If you do, you might…. eh. People will probably still vote for you anyway.**

 **I like to imagine that even a small part of Peridot felt bad about the things she had to do before joining the Crystal Gems. You don't make a face-heel turn like that unless you've already got some doubts, right? In her first appearances she was a sort of remorseless figure, but that's because we only saw her as an adversary to Steven back then, which of course means she's not gonna flaunt her weaknesses to the enemy. That's dumb, and if you do that, you're dumb.**


	6. Chapter 6: The Dover Conference

**A/N: Finished the chapter like two days early, which is great, because I'm not gonna have time to work on it today or tomorrow, so here you go! New chapter whole day early.  
**

* * *

Mayor Dewey stepped out of the car he'd been provided by the governor. He'd just arrived in the state's capital, Dover, Delmarva, having more or less secured re-election. His attention was now turned to a much more relevant crisis: the impending redrawing of state borders.

In a controversial move two months ago, President Garrison announced he would be asking Congress for permission to redraw the borders of the states of Maryland, Virginia, and Delmarva, in effect taking land from the state of Delmarva and renaming it to "Delaware", which Dewey thought was a stupid thing to name a state. Keystone and Jersey ALSO wanted a piece of the action, and as such, a much larger crisis was rapidly brewing on the East Coast over the Delmarva Peninsula. Dewey, being the mayor of one of Delmarva's largest centers of tourism, was one of the only people who could solve the crisis.

He entered the Capitol and was escorted to a large conference room, at the center of which was a large table with several other politicians from within Delmarva. At the head of the table was Governor John Carney, who himself had just won an election several months ago and as such was internally freaking out, this being his first major crisis as governor.

Unless one counted the Nostalgia Riots in Beach City, which the state's taxpayers spent millions of dollars fixing. That would make this crisis his second. He was inaugurated in January. Governor Carney was not a very lucky man.

Regardless, he was trying his best to rectify the situation. To that end, he had called several leaders within Delmarva to meet and see what they could do about it. Mayors, county board members, sheriffs… anyone he could get ahold of. He looked up at Mayor Dewey as he entered the room. "Bill. There you are," he said, standing up from his seat to greet Beach City's current mayor. "I'm glad you're here, this is… this whole thing is just out of control. Ah. Where are my manners?" Carney held his hand out, and Dewey gripped it and shook it rather awkwardly. "Alright then." They released the handshake and Carney began to walk with Dewey to the other end of the table, and they sat down in their seats.

"Alright governor," Dewey began, straightening his tie, "before we begin, I'd just like to say I want to do everything I can to make sure we get through this crisis. An attack on the state is an attack on all of us, and…" he slowed to a stop as he realized everyone was giving him a funny look. "What?"

"You have an election next week, don't you?" Carney asked.

"Oh, pfft, that?" Dewey waved off their concerns. "I have that handled. Don't even worry about it."

"You better have it handled," one of Delmarva's two senators said, "because your opponent's a lunatic."

"If she wins the election, we can no longer count on Beach City's help to get us through this crisis," Carney scolded. "You NEED to come out on top."

"She's not GOING to-"

"She's making an ass of herself, and she's making an ass of Beach City, and therefore she is making an ass of ALL of us."

"Guys. Guys," Dewey said, holding his hands up. "It's fine. I have this handled. She's not turning my city into a joke. I'm making sure of it."

"Good," Carney sighed, "because the crisis has worsened."

"How so?"

"Puerto Rico. That's how."

Dewey blinked. "I don't see how that correlates."

"Last week, Puerto Rico held a referendum. They voted overwhelmingly for statehood."

"So? That's not new."

Carney shook his head. "97%, Bill. Combined with what's already happening here? Not. Good."

The senator spoke up. "One of the biggest arguments against statehood was that it would disrupt the status-quo of a fifty-state nation. They'd have to redesign flags, change songs, add two more senators and a few more representatives to the mix… But Puerto Rico is larger than Delmarva. They have more people, more representation. More room for Congress to switch sides."

"What are you saying?" Dewey asked.

"If the Puerto Ricans earn statehood," Carney explained, "we aren't just losing territory. Delmarva, as a state… will cease to exist."

It seemed like Mayor Dewey was finally starting to grasp the severity of the situation. "My god…" he said. "We're just going to become Maryland, aren't we? I don't want to be Maryland! Marylanders can't drive!"

"Which is why it's PERTINENT that you win that election, Bill." Governor Carney stared at Dewey intensely. "If that IDIOT of an opponent gets elected, Beach City will become a laughing stock in the eyes of every resort town in the NATION. Nobody will take Delmarva seriously, and Congress is going to pass that resolution and give this peninsula to the highest bidder."

"Don't worry," Dewey said. "I have everything under control. Next week, Peridot's going to lose the election and everything will be back to normal in Beach City."

"Are you sure?"

Dewey nodded with utmost certainty. "Positive."

* * *

Lapis and Peridot stared incredulously at the latest edition of the Delmarva Post. "Well, this can't be right," Peridot said, still in shock.

For the first time ever on the campaign trail, Peridot was polling level with Mayor Dewey. That is to say, both had rather low approval ratings, but they were the same KIND of low. It truly was anyone's game now. Douche and Turd, for the first time since Peridot declared her candidacy, were on a level playing field. "I… I can win this."

Lapis raised an eyebrow. "You don't seem very excited."

"I am, it's just… I'm still upset about Steven."

"You're upset with Steven?"

Peridot shook her head. "Upset ABOUT Steven. I could never STAY mad at him, even if he was acting like a bit of a clod a couple of weeks ago. I was too."

"Maybe we should go see him," Lapis pondered. Again, Peridot shook her head.

"He doesn't want to see me right now."

* * *

Pearl scratched her chin. "Steven, maybe you should go see Peridot." Steven shook his head.

"She doesn't want to see me right now," he said. "I was a real jerk and I don't think she wants anything to do with me any time soon."

"Steven…" Pearl sighed. "She's polling at the same level as Mayor Dewey now. She could win this. Don't you think you should go make amends with her before… it's too late?"

Steven frowned. "I already said, I'm recusing myself."

"Steven, I don't think you know what that word means."

"I heard somebody say it on TV."

Amethyst yawned and sat up, having been napping on the kitchen counter. "Seriously, I'm so tired of this. It feels like it's been dragging on for WEEKS."

"It HAS been dragging on for weeks," Pearl glared at Amethyst. "That's how elections work."

"Right, but normally our problems are solved in, like, a day," Amethyst reasoned, "and then the next week we move on to the next problem."

"That's not true," Garnet countered. "Sometimes it takes five days straight for our problems to be solved. Then we don't have another one for a few months."

"Well the election is next week," Pearl said, "so this will all be over soon. ...I hope."

"I HATE waiting," Amethyst complained, flopping back onto the counter. "Why'd Peridot have to get involved in stupid old politics, anyway? The Crystal Gems are supposed to stay OUT of that stuff."

"Peridot's always been a little different," Pearl responded. "She's an entirely new generation of Crystal Gem. You have to remember, she spent most of her life working for Homeworld. She wasn't here for… well, ANY of what made us who we are. She still has to experience all of that for herself, and if getting involved in politics is her calling, well… who are we to stop her?"

"What if she gets the John Kennedy treatment?" Amethyst wondered aloud.

This seemed to distress Steven greatly. "Ahhh! Don't say that!"

Pearl glared. "Amethyst," she scolded.

"What?" Amethyst looked back over at Steven, who looked really stressed out all of a sudden. "Oh."

"I'm- I'm just going to go for a walk," Steven said, turning towards the door and leaving. None of the Crystal Gems said anything as he left, which was just fine. He felt like that conversation was going nowhere, anyway.

Steven walked along the beach, thinking about what was to come. If Peridot won the election, what would be her next move? What would be HIS next move? Would she forgive him for acting like such a jerk, or were her days with the Crystal Gems numbered? He sighed and kept moving. He didn't want to think about it. As he walked further into town, he began to see the impact this election was having on the residents of Beach City.

"My guy is right!"

"No, MY GUY is right!"

"You don't know how to-"

"YOU'RE VOTING FOR THE TERRORIST!"

"Oh? Yeah, well you-"

"YOU'RE VOTING FOR THE ECO-TERRORIST! I bet she wasn't even born in America."

Steven kept moving. He saw posters plastered all across town from both campaigns.

 _Re-elect Dewey 2017: Don't Vote for the Terrorist!_

 _Peridot 2017: I'm With Her, Make Planet Earth Great Again, PERIDOT!_

 _Dewey Defeats Peridot!_

 _Peridot 2017: Mayor Dewey Doesn't Love His Son._

 _Douche v. Turd: Dawn of Justice! Tuesday, June 27th! Polls close at 6!_

Finally, Steven left town, and began moving up the hill. Cars drove past as he walked, and he tried to make out their bumper stickers.

 _Peridot 2017._

 _Stick With What You Know._

 _Who's Running For Deputy Mayor? City Council? County Treasurer? Can Somebody Let Me Know, I Have No Idea._

He even noticed that one driver had a little green man painted on the side of his Volkswagen, and to be honest, it was a little distasteful. Kind of racist. Regardless, the text "The Truth Is Out There: Vote For It On June 27th" was painted on the side, which even Steven admitted was a little clever.

Finally, he made it to a cliff that overlooked the rest of Beach City. He could see the temple from here, but probably couldn't make out any people on the beach, even if he tried. Steven sighed and sat down. He liked to come here to think sometimes. It was nice. He felt like nobody would ever bother him up here. Normally, being bothered wouldn't have been a bother, but Steven really, really needed some alone time right now.

"Steven?"

Steven's eyes widened, and he quickly turned around to greet the intruder. "Peridot?" he asked, unsure of what else to say.

Peridot looked really uncomfortable. "Hi," she said, also unsure of what to say.

"...what are you doing here?" Steven asked, immediately mentally chastising himself for sounding like he didn't want her there.

"I come here to think," she said slowly. "You showed me this place after the thing in Colorado, 'member?"

"Oh, yeah, I 'member."

Silence.

"Do you want me to leave?" Peridot asked.

"No!" Steven said. "No, I- I come here a lot. You deserve a turn. Here. _I'll_ leave."

Idiots. Both of them.

Steven got up and switched places with Peridot, who sat down on the edge. He then awkwardly turned back down the hill to leave, but was stopped by Peridot's voice.

"Do you hate me?" she asked. Steven turned back around, but Peridot's back was still to him, so he couldn't see her face to gauge what his answer should be. "Steven?" she asked again.

"No," he said finally, sighing and saying what he actually wanted to say, rather than what he thought she wanted to hear. "I don't hate you. You're family." Steven walked over to Peridot and sat down next to her, but she still wouldn't face him. "Things got really heated a couple of weeks ago. The truth is that I was afraid of losing you and didn't want you to win the election because I thought you wouldn't have time for me. That was selfish of me, and I'm sorry."

Silence.

"Do you hate m-" Steven's question was interrupted when Peridot turned and gripped him in a tight hug. So either that was a "no", or the answer was "yes" and Peridot was attempting to end his life by crushing his lungs.

"Steven, you _clod_ , I was scared of losing _you_ , that's why I started this campaign in the first place," Peridot scolded, wiping a tear from her eye. "So when you yelled at me back there, I thought… I don't know. I thought that you hated me, or wanted to kick me out of the Crystal Gems, or something."

"I would never do that!" Steven said, astonished. "That's not my decision. It's Garnet's decision. And SHE would never do that, because I wouldn't let her."

"Well _I_ would never leave!" Peridot laughed. "I'M an intergalactic criminal wanted for treason, so I don't have anywhere else to go. You four are _stuck_ with me."

The two hugged again, laughing. "Peridot. You might win this," Steven said.

"Yeah. I might. Is… is that okay?"

"It's great!" Steven congratulated her. "You're about to do something I don't think anyone thought you'd do. And _I_ think you'll make a great mayor."

"But even if I don't win," Peridot sighed, "I'm glad I tried."

Steven and Peridot hugged for a moment longer. Suddenly, Peridot realized that something wasn't quite right. Glancing up—and then down—she realized that an unmistakable glow was emanating from both her gem and Steven's. It was faint, and she wasn't sure Steven had noticed, but it was there. She had never seen this happen up close, she'd only seen Garnet do it from afar (or, more accurately, her two halves), but she still knew what it meant.

Unfamiliarity is scary. Gasping, she pushed Steven away, and the glow ceased.

"What's wrong?" he asked. He really hadn't noticed what was about to happen.

"Uh… nothing!" Peridot lied. "It's just, uh, I know humans need to breathe, and I didn't know if I was hugging too tight, or…"

Steven chuckled. "Oh, yeah, it was a little tight. But it's fine! I'm fine! No worries!"

"Yeah, that's… that's great." Peridot awkwardly shifted a few inches away from Steven and looked back out at the city. "Lovely weather we're having," she said idly.

"Huh? Oh, yeah, it is nice. Really hot though. And humid."

"THAT'S why I'm sweating. Haha! For that reason only!" Peridot smiled nervously at Steven. He gave her a weird look before turning back to look at the city.

"Oooookay."

* * *

Alarms were going off all over the situation room in Dover. Dewey picked up the phone and began making calls to important people to try and avert the crisis.

"Hello? Nancy! Nancy, how are you doing? It's Bill," he greeted, ignoring the panicking politicians behind him. "No. No, not Bill Clinton. Bill Dewey. Mayor of Beach City. One of the largest tourist centers on the east coast, I've donated to your PAC… RIGHT, that Bill. Listen, can I ask you a favor? ...yeah, I need you to rally the House Democrats to vote AGAINST Resolution 538435 regarding Puerto Rico."

On the other end of the line, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi shot the phone a confused glance. "Why?" she asked. "Puerto Rico deserves a shot at statehood, they voted OVERWHELMINGLY in favor."

"Right," Dewey said nervously, "but you do know that there was only a 23% turnout, right? You don't want the top 23% to make decisions for the remaining 77%, do you?"

Nancy hummed. "Hmm. You do bring up a good point."

"Besides," Dewey continued, "if Puerto Rico is admitted into the Union—and I don't want to bring identity politics into the representation of the American people, obviously—but if Puerto Rico is admitted, it might end up being… a red state."

"Really?"

"Oh, yeah, no, Puerto Ricans vote conservative all the time," Dewey said casually. "I mean, you know, I'M an independent, so that doesn't matter to ME, but… you know. That information might be interesting to you, that's all. I heard Paul Ryan is planning to vote in FAVOR of the bill. ...okay, thanks Nancy, I'll talk to you soon."

Dewey hung up, then immediately began dialing a new number. "Hello? Paul! Paul, how are you doing? It's Bill. Listen, can I ask you a favor? ...yeah, I need you to rally the House Republicans to vote AGAINST Resolution 538435 regarding Puerto Rico. ...why? BECAUSE. ...Puerto Rico might end up being a blue state! …yeah, Puerto Ricans vote liberal all the time. AND I heard that Nancy Pelosi is planning to vote in FAVOR of the bill. ...okay, thanks Paul, I'll talk to you soon."

Governor Carney approached. "Well? What did they say?"

Dewey loosened his tie and relaxed in his seat. "I think all those political favors paid off," he chuckled confidently. "Once this Puerto Rico thing passes, THEN we can deal with everything else."

Dewey's overconfidence, however, would prove to be his undoing, and perhaps the undoing of every politician in the state, for that night, the House of Representatives convened to debate Resolution 538435. Delmarva's sole representative confidently took her seat in the chamber as the bill was brought to the floor.

As was customary, the Democratic leader, Nancy Pelosi, and the Republican leader, Paul Ryan, met at the center of the chamber. After making their greetings, they bowed, turned away from each other, and took ten paces. An old-timey 1800s-looking guy then approached the center and addressed the house.

"On my mark, the duel shall begin," he announced, his loud voice echoing through the building. "I want a good, clean fight, okay? Is that clear?"

Pelosi and Ryan nodded.

"Alright, then…" The debate was about to begin. "On your marks… get set… DRAW!" The man jumped out of the way as Pelosi and Ryan quickly turned to face each other. Pelosi got the first word in.

"We're going to vote against the bill!" she announced quickly.

Ryan followed up a second after she started her first word. "We're going to vote… against… huh?" Paul Ryan's speech came to a halt as he realized he and Nancy Pelosi were about to argue the exact same thing. "Wait, did you say you're going to vote AGAINST?"

Delmarva's representative immediately realized what was going on and shrank in her seat.

Nancy Pelosi nodded. "Bill Dewey from Beach City brought up some very good points, and we've decided to vote against-"

"Bill Dewey?" Paul Ryan glared. "No, no, no, that's impossible, Dewey called ME. He said you were going to vote in FAVOR of the bill because Puerto Ricans vote liberal."

"He told ME that YOU were going to vote in favor because Puerto Ricans vote conservative!"

It was at this point that it became clear that nobody in Congress actually cared what the Puerto Ricans wanted because absolutely everyone in Congress was a bad person, but this was besides the point. Ryan and Pelosi both began to realize that, for one reason or another, Dewey had tricked them.

Paul Ryan stared out at the rest of the House. "How many of you did Dewey call?"

Almost the entire chamber raised their hands.

"Why does the Mayor of Beach City want to influence our vote on the Puerto Rico decision?" Pelosi wondered aloud. "What does he have to gain—or lose—from all of this?"

"Isn't it obvious?" a broadcast-ready voice could be heard from the entrance. Everyone looked out towards the entrance.

"Who are you?" Ryan asked.

The man, who wore a large hairpiece to appear more interesting to a news-watching audience, made his way to the center. "The name's Tim Hairpiece," the man introduced himself. "Tell me… wouldn't you like to know what stakes Dewey—and, perhaps, the entire state of Delmarva—has in the Puerto Rico decision?"

Pelosi and Ryan, Democrat and Republican, looked at each other, then looked back at Tim, prepared to listen to his explanation.

"It's really quite a story," Hairpiece continued. "Why, I'd say it's… quite sensational. Would you like me to tell you?"

* * *

Peridot and Steven arrived at the temple. The sun had finished setting and the night sky had covered Beach City. Steven opened the door to dramatically announce the day's developments. "Everyone! Great news! Peridot and I are friends again!"

The Gems were all standing (or, in Amethyst's case, sitting) in exactly the same spots they were when he left over an hour ago, staring at the door.

"Were you guys standing there the whole time?"

Pearl looked at the other two before answering Steven. "This is what we always do."

"You just… stand there? And wait for me to come back?"

Pearl blinked and the room was silent for a moment. "Is that weird?"

Steven shook his head. "Whatever, it doesn't matter. Me and Peridot are friends again!"

Amethyst chuckled. "Good. I thought we would have to… you know."

Peridot's eyes widened. "...Uh… can you clarify?" she asked.

"Oh, we'd just have to… _you know_."

"...No, I don't know."

"Yeah you do," Amethyst said. " _You know._ "

"Amethyst, cut that out," Pearl scolded, glaring at Amethyst. "She _doesn't_ know."

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT?!" Peridot asked again, genuinely freaked out by this point.

"Oh, well, we'd have had to… well, it doesn't matter now," Pearl muttered.

Steven put a hand on Peridot's shoulder. "They're just messing with you. I think."

"I hope." Peridot inched away from Steven, his hand dropping from her shoulder.

"Why do you keep doing that?" Steven asked.

"I value my personal space," Peridot muttered. She looked up and realized Garnet was staring directly at her. "...what? What are you looking at me for?"

"Nothing."

Steven perked up in realization. "Oh! Garnet! You're trying to figure out if Peridot's gonna win, aren't you?"

Garnet continued to stare directly at Peridot. "Sure," she responded. "But… I wouldn't want to spoil the surprise."

"Awwww, come on!"

"Now, Steven," Peridot said quickly, "let's not press Garnet! Uh, after all, it's no fun if we already know what's going to happen!" She realized she herself had put a hand on Steven's shoulder and pulled it away quickly before looking back at Garnet, who was still examining her. _Why is she still staring at me?_

"Can't you like, give us odds, or something?"

Garnet finally took her gaze off of Peridot and smiled slightly at Steven. "I thought my predictions were all 'fake news' now."

"I didn't say that!"

"Alright, alright, settle down," Garnet said, chuckling. "Hmmm… It looks like… this could go either way, really. Next week sure is going to be interesting."

"So… is that 50-50, or?"

"Sure. It's 50-50."

"You hear that Peridot?" Steven asked, grabbing both of Peridot's shoulders, totally unaware of how uncomfortable Peridot was. "50-50! That means you and Dewey have an equal chance of winning! ...or losing! Maybe you'll lose!"

Peridot cleared her throat. "Ahem. Uh, Steven. Personal space. Remember?" She looked back over at Garnet, who once again was staring at her.

"Oh, right, sorry!" Steven let go of Peridot and started laughing. "Man, Peridot, I had no idea you were so claustrophobic!"

"Tight spaces fuse me. I mean, CONfuse me. I don't like being disoriented."

"I guess that's fair," Steven said. "Still, though. 50-50! This is going to be an interesting election!"

"It sure is," Garnet agreed.

Peridot started to sweat again and coughed. "Well… I have planning to do, so I need to get back to the barn!"

"You aren't going to stick around?" Garnet asked. "I'm sure Steven would love to spend some time with you. After all, you have been away for a few weeks. Why don't you stay a while?"

"I mean…"

"Come on, Peridot!" Steven said. "You've been working so hard for the last month. Take a night off!"

"I really- uh… fine," Peridot conceded. "I don't have any plans tonight anyway."

"Yay, Crystal Slumber Party!" Steven cheered. He pulled Peridot in close again, totally ignoring her personal space.

"Oh, jeez," Peridot said under her breath. She looked up at Garnet, who was still studying her intently. The fusion shot her a half smile and walked away. Amethyst looked up at Pearl in confusion, but Pearl just shrugged, not entirely sure herself why that conversation seemed so intense.

Peridot sighed. This would be an interesting week indeed.


	7. Chapter 7: About Last Night

Mayor Dewey sat in his campaign headquarters, flanked by several supporters, who were all staring in shock at a large flatscreen monitor on the other end of the room. "This can't be right," he muttered in fear.

Sorry. FORMER Mayor Dewey sat in his campaign headquarters, flanked by several supporters, who were all staring in shock at a large flatscreen monitor on the other end of the room. For on that TV, which was tuned to the local news, quite possibly the worst news of the entire campaign trail was being displayed.

Namely, that all of the votes had been counted. And Dewey lost. Peridot, Facet 2F5L, Cut-5XG, was now the Mayor of Beach City. A map of the city was being displayed on the screen. Just over half of the city was portrayed in green, green representing a district that had voted for Peridot.

Even the anchorman reporting the news seemed surprised. "Uh… Breaking election projection… We can now project that Peridot, Facet 2F5L, Cut-5XG… has won the election. She won approximately 53% of the popular vote, which was distributed across six of Beach City's eleven voting districts. This is, of course, a stunning upset, given that several polls as of last night were predicting a successful re-election bid for Mayor Dewey… this IS real, right? Is this data correct? This can't be right. ...uh, we now go live to Peridot's campaign headquarters in Sussex County, where she is apparently about to make a speech."

The broadcast switched feeds to show Peridot standing at a podium in front of the barn, looking just as shocked as everyone else. "Whaaaaaaaat?"

"Peridot is scheduled to take office next week. The Delmarva Politicians' Association in the state capital of Dover has extended an invitation for her to meet with them this week to discuss taking over Dewey's membership." The anchor, apparently thinking he was now off the air, turned to look at a producer who was standing off-camera. "So… was that rigged, or…? How did that happen? Was it Russians?"

Dewey continued to stare at the TV in shock. "No… NO! How did this happen?!"

Mr. Smiley approached Dewey from the crowd of supporters and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Well. This is what happens when you listen to the Fake News media."

Dewey glared at Smiley.

* * *

Steven pushed past the crowd of Peridot's supporters who'd gathered in front of the barn and excitedly ran in. Peridot and Lapis were inside, staring at a map of the districts she'd won. She still looked sort of dazed. "Peridot!" Steven yelled. "You did it! You won!" He gripped her in a tight hug. "I knew you could do it!"

"Ack! Steven… claustrophobic."

"Oh? Right! Sorry!" Steven released the hug and laughed. "Wow. This is kind of weird. You're the MAYOR now!"

"Right. RIGHT!" Peridot took on a more determined stance. "I'M the leader of the humans, now. This is serious, now! No more fun and games!"

"Right. Serious Peridot!"

"It's time for me to march to Beach City and fulfil my campaign promises!" She started to march out of the barn, Steven and Lapis smiling after her. She returned a moment later. "What were my campaign promises?!"

"What do you mean?"

"Steven. I literally don't think I promised a single thing to these people," Peridot said. "I don't know HOW I got elected. What do I do?!"

"Just take it easy!" Steven tried to calm his friend down. "You don't have to achieve the moon landing in one night. Just take things one day at a time and figure out what people want!"

"Right… right… okay. Steven. I need time to plan. Can you please go disperse the crowd?"

"Got it!" Steven ran out to do just that. Lapis scratched her head.

"So, looks like we've got a busy four years on our-" Lapis began, before being interrupted by Peridot, who grabbed her face in a panicked state of hysteria and dragged the taller gem down to the shorter one's level.

"Lapis, I am FREAKING OUT right now!"

"Like Steven said," Lapis comforted. "Just take things one day at a time and—"

"No, NOT about that!" Peridot looked back at the door to make sure Steven was still outside. "I'm freaking out about Steven."

"Why? I thought you were friends agai-"

"We are! We are. It's just…" Peridot released Lapis and walked over to the other end of the barn, sighing. "Steven and I almost fused last week."

"Oh." Lapis glanced uncomfortably at the door. "How was it?"

"Nothing actually happened. I stopped it before it happened. I don't even know if Steven knew what was about to happen."

"Oh." More silence. "...well?"

"Well what?"

"Do you WANT to fuse with Steven?"

Peridot looked around the room for a moment before answering. "Maybe."

"What do you mean, 'maybe'? That's not a—"

"I don't know, alright?" Peridot sighed again and turned back to face Lapis. "I've never done it before, so of COURSE the temptation to try it is there. But that's a new thing, and new things are scary!"

"You love Earth because of all of the new things you keep finding."

"Lapis, let's make a quick list of all of the new things I found out about in the last month." Peridot began counting on her fingers. "Wasps. Venomous spiders. Scorpions. ISIS. Clowns. Would you not say those things are scary?"

"So Earth is scary sometimes. You still love it. What makes this any different?"

Peridot was silent for a minute more while she tried to figure out what to say. "I… don't know." Peridot blinked and looked straight ahead at nothing in particular. "I guess I don't want to end up traumatized like you did."

"Oh, real nice."

"No, it's— ugh, you know I'm bad with words."

"I'll say."

Peridot face palmed. She did NOT want to deal with this right now. "Lapis, come on. You know I wasn't trying to be malicious there."

"Whatever."

"I'm sorry."

"Mm."

"It's just… I don't know. I feel… Weird around him now."

Lapis raised an eyebrow. "Uh oh. Weird how?"

"Well, my body temperature rises, my breathing becomes erratic, I start sweating—all things I didn't know could happen in the first place, okay?" Peridot started listing the conditions off on her fingers. "I can't formulate complex sentences, my chest feels tight… if I had a stomach I think this is what wanting to 'throw up' would feel like… I can barely stand up straight, I just all-around get nervous-"

For some reason, it seemed like this description was annoying Lapis. "Alright. I get the message."

"...was there anything like this with you and… well. You know."

Lapis glared at Peridot. "What— no. No, there wasn't anything like this with me and Jasper. That was horrible. We both felt horrible."

" _THIS_ FEELS HORRIBLE!"

"Okay, Peridot, just calm down for a second."

"I CAN'T CALM DOWN!" Peridot yelled. "I actually think there might be something seriously wrong with me!"

"There's nothing wrong with you," Lapis reasoned. "Well. Beyond the usual stuff, anyway. You have more important things to focus on."

"Like what?"

Lapis motioned towards the door, where Steven was still trying to disperse the crowd of supporters.

"Oh. Right." Peridot took a deep breath and confidently marched out to meet the crowd. Steven noticed her entrance and smiled.

"Here she is everyone! The Gem you've all been waiting for!" Steven stepped aside to give her room. "Everyone give it up for Mayor Peridot!"

The crowd cheered as Peridot stepped up. "Thank you, thank you! I couldn't have done this without you. I mean that literally. It's literally impossible to win an election if nobody votes for you."

"Nice start, Peridot," Lapis snarked from behind, leaving the barn to greet the crowd with her friends.

"I'm trying my best, okay?" Peridot said through gritted teeth. "Haha. That's just a little joke. Seriously though. I can't thank you guys enough. I promise, that as mayor, I will act solely in your best interests. I was elected to represent you, the people, and to that end, I will… uh…" Peridot trailed off as her eyes drifted to the back of the crowd. "Oh, jeez."

Forner Mayor Dewey was pushing past the crowd, glaring at Peridot. He definitely wasn't happy about something, but Peridot couldn't put her finger on it.

"Peridot," Dewey said through gritted teeth. "We need to talk. Alone." The crowd started booing and hissing. "Yeah, yeah, okay, get that out of your system now before the buyer's remorse kicks in."

"Up yours, Dewey!" one citizen yelled from the crowd.

"Peridot. A word?"

Peridot glanced up at Bill, then at her supporters. "Alright, Dewey. Come on inside."

Dewey and Peridot entered the barn and shut the door. "What have you done?" Dewey asked as soon as they were alone. "You've DESTROYED this city!"

Peridot scoffed. "Why? Because I beat you fair and square?"

"You know what the great thing about running unopposed was?" the former mayor asked rhetorically. "Everyone was happy. When there's only one choice, nobody cares. You can focus on catering to their needs without having to win them over from some little green midget with anger management problems." Dewey pointed a finger at Peridot's chest to drill his point in. "You screwed up. Big time."

"How so?"

Dewey groaned. "Don't you get it, Peridot? This city is divided like never before. After the Presidential Election, Beach City was the last bastion of unity in the United States." He paced the room as he continued to explain the predicament they were in. "Everybody had some other problem to worry about. They didn't CARE who the President was, so unlike the rest of this country, they didn't tear each other apart last November. But now? Ohhh, Peridot. You screwed up. You screwed everything."

"With all due respect, Dewey," Peridot said condescendingly, "which isn't a whole lot, I think I can handle a few of your angry supporters."

"A few?" Dewey shook his head. "Peridot, I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation. Only 53% of the city voted for you. You just BARELY won. The other half of them want to give you the John Kennedy treatment."

"John who?"

"And that's not even your biggest problem!" Dewey yelled. "I was the only one preventing a major crisis from engulfing the entire STATE. Now I can't do anything about it!"

"I know a thing or two about times of crisis," Peridot explained. "I'm having a crisis right now, actually." She started to laugh, even though she didn't really think it was very funny. "I think I might want to fuse with Steven, can you BELIEVE it? How CRAZY is that?"

Dewey recoiled in disgust. "Isn't fusion that weird intimacy thing you guys do? He's 14."

Peridot blinked. "Dewey, that's ridiculous. He's far taller than 14 inches."

Dewey was baffled. "I- I'm sorry, I don't think I quite know how to process this."

"Listen," Peridot sighed, "I can't run a city with you breathing down my neck. You lost. I won. I'm the mayor now. Get over it."

Dewey glared again, before turning to leave. "You're disgusting," he muttered, closing the door behind him. As he walked past Steven, he scoffed. "Remember, kid, no means no." He left after that, and Steven smiled and waved.

"Okay, bye Mayor Dewey, thanks for stopping by!" he said, genuinely wishing his friend well. "Better luck next time!" Peridot exited the barn and rejoined her friends.

"Alright. Time for—oh, everyone's gone."

"Yeah, they got bored and left," Steven commented. "Tough crowd."

"Alright, I guess I should start planning my new policy implementations, then," Peridot said as she started to turn back towards the barn. The sound of rotor blades, however, drew her attention.

A large, black helicopter approached the barn, the corn field blowing wildly in the wind as it landed. The second it touched down, two men in suits and dark sunglasses ran from it and to Peridot.

"Mayor Peridot," one man said. "The Governor would like to speak with you."

"Hi, can I help yo- HEY! Get off of me!" The two men grabbed a struggling Peridot and dragged her to the helicopter, which took off as soon as she was aboard. "Where are you taking me?! I demand answers!" Steven and Lapis stared in shock as the helicopter flew away, getting smaller and smaller until it was gone.

Steven, mouth agape, stared up at the sky for a moment. "Uh. I'm sure she's fine."

Aboard the helicopter, Peridot sat between the two men in black, who held each of her arms tightly. Another man sat across from them. "Who are you and what do you want from me?" she asked, glaring.

"Let go of her, gentlemen. We're high enough, now, she won't try to jump out." The men released her, as ordered, and the leader held his hand out. "John Carney, Governor of Delmarva. Pleased to finally meet you, Peridot."

Peridot didn't shake it. "Where are you taking me?"

"To the state capitol in Dover. I understand you were recently elected Mayor of Beach City."

"Yes, I was, and as you might imagine, I'm very busy at the moment," Peridot said, still glaring. "So if you could put me back down, that would be great."

"Your predecessor, Bill Dewey, was a member of our little club, the Delmarva Politicians' Association—"

"Ok, so you aren't going to put me down."

"—and very recently he was called in to deal with a very serious crisis put on our state."

Peridot pinched her nose bridge. "Okay. Don't care. Don't care. I don't care."

"Dewey, however, failed us, and as his successor, it now falls on you to fix his mess."

Peridot looked out the window, staring at the ground as it passed underneath. "...no?"

"Yes."

"No."

"N- yes. There's no getting out of it."

Peridot glared forward again. "Whatever the previous mayor did before the election isn't my problem. He should have known better than to try and make big changes days before getting kicked out of office."

"Yes. Dewey was an idiot. Unfortunately for us, an even bigger idiot just got elected."

Peridot tilted her head in confusion. "Who?"

The cabin was silent for a moment.

"Oh…"

"You see, a few weeks ago, the United States territory of Puerto Rico voted to become a state. If Puerto Rico becomes a state, it stands to reason that Delmarva, the least-populous state, will be absorbed into Maryland, Virginia, Keystone, or Jersey."

"That's not a logical conclusion anyone could come to."

The governor continued. "Fifty is a nice, round number. They don't want more than fifty states. But Puerto Rico is more populous than over half of our states, so that means more seats in Congress, which, to both the Democratic minority and the Republican majority, is a good thing, as those seats can be used to either regain the lead or secure an absolute majority, respectively. Delmarva only has one representative.

"This is where Dewey came in. He managed to trick the leaders of both parties into thinking the other party was going to vote in favor of Puerto Rican statehood, and because everyone in Congress is a massive contrarian douchebag, they both were going to vote 'no', just to spite the other side."

"So where do I come in?" Peridot asked. "It sounds like Dewey already finished the job."

"Both parties caught wind of what was going on. Apparently, some smooth-talking hairpiece-wearing TV personality got in there and told them what was up."

Peridot narrowed her eyes. "Smooth-talking TV personality…?"

"To prevent themselves from being tricked by identity politics ever again, Paul Ryan and Nancy Pelosi made a deal. They decided to… combine their efforts. The entire United States House of Representatives got together and formed a coalition."

"The Democrats and Republicans… fused?"

Carney nodded. "Yes. The Democrats and Republicans formed a fusion, and became the Democratic-Republicans, so that they could focus on debating bills without worrying about identity politics getting in the way." He took a sip from a wine glass that had been sitting in his cup holder, then swirled the wine around. "Ironically, more has gotten done in the past week than in every Congressional session combined since Jimmy Carter took office in 1977."

"That's… good, right?" Peridot asked, confused as to how this could possibly be a bad thing.

"Not good for Delmarvians," Carney responded. "It means the Puerto Rico vote will occur unhindered by identity politics."

"But how is this MY problem?" Peridot asked. "I was elected to lead the people of Beach City, not Dover, and frankly, I don't think the people of Beach City really CARE how the state lines are drawn. ...and another thing. Why did you KIDNAP me? Why couldn't you have just called?"

Carney remained silent for a moment, seeming slightly embarrassed. "Well… to be honest with you, Peridot, when we heard you were an immigrant, we weren't sure you spoke English, so I didn't know if you'd be able to understand me over the phone."

More silence.

"Would you like some wine?"

"I don't drink," Peridot responded. "Or eat."

"Ah. I see. That must be how you keep your waist so skinny."

Now Peridot was uncomfortable. "Um, can you put me back down in Beach City, now?"

"Not yet. Peridot, you're the only hope to keep our statehood intact."

"What can I do? I'm just the mayor of a row of beach houses."

"You're not just the mayor of ANY row of beach houses," Carney countered. "You're the mayor of the most INFLUENTIAL row of beach houses on the entire East Coast!"

"And?"

"And there's only one thing politicians love more than fighting with other politicians," Carney explained, leaning in to drive the point home. "Money. If you can convince Paul Ryan and Nancy Pelosi that Beach City provides irreplaceable economic stimulation to the state and federal government, they'll have no choice but to vote in your favor."

"I don't know what most of that means."

"Sheesh, you really are new to politics, huh?"

"It's punishable by death where I come from."

Carney nodded. "Ah, yes. I've heard things about the Philippines."

"What are the Philippines?" Peridot asked. Carney blinked, slightly surprised, and glanced out the window.

"We're screwed," he muttered before taking another sip of his wine.

"Look, just put me back down in Beach City, I REALLY don't have time for this."

"Peridot, if you refuse to help us," Carney warned, "you can FORGET any of the aid that the state's been giving Beach City under Mayor Dewey."

"Alright. It's been forgotten." Peridot narrowed her eyes. "Now put. Me. Down."

Carney rolled his eyes. "Take us to Beach City," he directed the pilot, who turned the helicopter around. "You'll regret this, Mayor Peridot. Then you'll HAVE to help us."

"Okay. I don't care."

The rest of the helicopter ride was silent and awkward.

* * *

Nancy Pelosi and Paul Ryan stood at the center of the large debate hall, in front of the now-fused session of Congress. To symbolize the fusion, every representative wore striped red, white, and blue ties, which honestly looked pretty tacky, but hey, to each their own.

"Alright everyone," Pelosi began, stacking some papers on her podium. "Last night, we found room in the budget to give healthcare to every American, made college affordable, brought crime down to zero percent, and achieved peace in the Middle East. So, on our agenda today, we intend to completely reverse the effects of Climate Change, lower the jobless rate to zero percent, and vote on the Puerto Rico decision. And then if we have time, we can maybe think about impeaching President Garrison, but let's not get ahead of ourselves here, because that's a very big task. Any questions?"

Lisa Blunt Rochester, Delmarva's sole representative, stood up. "Yeah, are we REALLY gonna be able to vote on Puerto Rico today?" She glanced around nervously. "I-I mean, come on. Completely reversing the effects of Climate Change is going to take, like, at LEAST a couple of weeks."

Pelosi looked at one of her papers, then convened with Paul Ryan. After a bit of deliberation, they nodded and addressed the chamber. "Agreed. The Puerto Rico vote will have to wait."

"Oh, thank god," Lisa muttered, sitting back down in her seat. She'd just bought the Governor some time… But this wouldn't last forever. She hoped that the governor and Beach City's new mayor would act fast, because last she heard, the new fused House of Representatives was only a few days away from curing cancer, AIDS, and the common cold, and Puerto Rico certainly wasn't far behind.

"Before we get to ANY of what was previously listed, however," Pelosi continued, "we need to decide what must be done about Beach City. Clearly, their mayor attempted to influence our decision making by making deals with both pre-fusion halves of the Democratic-Republicans."

Paul Ryan took over from here. "We believe that a foreign power, perhaps Russians, the Chinese, or even the French have infiltrated their government in an attempt to disrupt American democracy. They just had an election, and Dewey lost to a complete political newcomer, which is even more concerning."

"As such," Pelosi continued, "the Acting Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation has sent an undercover agent into Beach City to oversee the transition and make sure the new mayor isn't in the pockets of the likes of Vladimir Putin or Bashar al Assad. This agent is cunning, he is ruthless, and his skills are unparalleled in the intelligence community."

* * *

Cory Smith, a tall, dark-haired man in his late-forties who was most definitely not a narc, approached the barn which he'd been assigned to investigate. Not because he was a narc who was trying to find incriminating evidence, mind you, but because he was to oversee Beach City's transition from Dewey's government to Peridot's.

With that being said, he did carry a concealed handgun and a badge from the FBI in his coat pocket. Just in case he needed to defend himself and/or make an arrest. But he was not a narc.

Cory narced—sorry, knocked—on the door, which opened soon after.

"Um, hi. Can I help you?" a small boy, probably about twelve or thirteen, answered. The case file—sorry, transition document—that he'd read before coming here said that this kid was Steven Universe, one of the newly elected mayor's closest and most trusted allies. He'd have to be especially clever to get past this kid.

"Good afternoon," Cory greeted. "I'm Cory Smith, Beach City's transition officer, appointed to oversee the transition to the new government. Also, I'm not a narc."

"Oh, okay."

"Can I speak to Mayor Peridot? We have much to discuss."

"Oh, uh, the mayor's not here," Steven said. "A black helicopter came earlier and picked her up. I think she'll probably be back soon."

Black helicopter? That wasn't good. It appeared the Russians had already gotten to her. But Cory knew better than to jump to conclusions, because he was not a narc. There had to be more information in the barn. "I see. May I come in, then? Perhaps I could help you… plan the transition."

"Oh, well, sure," Steven responded. He opened the door wide. "Come on in. I don't actually live here, but… it's probably fine. Make yourself at home. Lapis! Lapis, you have a visitor!"

Lapis Lazuli. She was also described in the transition document. The previous FBI director, James Comey, under direct orders from President Obama, led an investigation into her whereabouts in 2014 after she stole the planet's oceans. Of course, this information was useless to Cory, because he was not a narc.

Lapis got up from the hammock she was relaxing in and walked over to greet Cory. The Ocean Woman did not, in fact, take him by the hand and lead him to the land that she'd understand, but instead glanced up and down his person warily. "Who are you?" she asked slowly.

"Cory Smith, Beach City Transition Officer," Cory greeted. "I'm here to make sure things go smoothly. Also, I'm not a narc, so you can trust me with all of the incriminating secrets that the FBI could use to put you and your entire family in federal prison for life."

"Oh, well that's good to know," Lapis said, reassured that the intruder in her home was no threat to her.

"Steven?" a girl's voice could be heard from behind the group. Cory turned around and saw a small, dark-skinned child enter. "Is Peridot here? I wanted to congratulate her on the election."

Steven shook his head. "Sorry, Connie. She should be back soon."

Connie Maheswaran. Her transition document was as difficult to read as her surname was to pronounce. Connie was primarily affiliated with Steven Universe, as well as a mysterious third party known only as "Stevonnie", who currently is wanted for questioning following an extremely dangerous street racing activity in a stolen Dondai Supremo. But that was none of Cory's concern, because he was not a narc.

"Who's this guy?" Connie asked, glancing skeptically at Cory.

"He's not a narc!" Steven said cheerily. "...I'm not sure what a narc is, but he's here to help with the transition!"

"Okay!" Cory said. "I'm going to search this barn for potentially incriminating evidence, because you can trust me with that sort of thing. You guys… just stand around, I guess." Cory left to go search the barn.

After a few moments, Connie turned to Steven. "Steven, I don't trust this guy."

"Come on, he said he could trust him!"

"I know, but…" she glanced back over at the man, who was currently rifling through some of Peridot's things. "There's something… Off about him."

"It's probably fine!" Steven waved off Connie's concerns. "So he's a little eccentric. Peridot's a little eccentric."

"Aha!" Cory exclaimed from across the room. "Her diary. This will have LOADS of potentially incriminating entries that the FBI could theoretically use if I was a narc, which I am not."

Steven shot him a worried glance. "Uh, wait, I don't think Peridot wants you reading that."

"Peridot has a diary?" Connie asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I got her one after Lapis broke her tape recorder," Steven explained. The two kids glanced at Lapis, who shrugged.

"You could have just gotten her another tape recorder."

Steven marched over to Cory. "Hey, listen, I'll take that for you. Peridot may be the mayor, but privacy is privacy."

"Oh, that's silly," Cory laughed. "Politicians don't have privacy. Now, let's see…"

Steven glared. "Seriously. Put that down."

"'Log date… Whatever,'" Cory began to read aloud. "'Today, Steven took me to a comedy club. A human named Ricky Gervais was there. I didn't laugh at any of it. I don't know if I just didn't get it or what, but Ricky Gervais didn't seem very funny to me.'"

"Cut it out!" Steven said, annoyed. "That's her private diary and—"

"'A wealthy human from Empire City opened a hotel in Beach City and Steven took me to the grand opening. I got to meet him, and although he was twice my height, his hands were the same size as mine. It was the most uncomfortable and awkward handshake I think I'd ever received, and it lasted four and a half minutes. I counted.'"

Steven jumped up and grabbed the diary from Cory's hands. Cory stumbled and backed up into a Meep Morp, causing it to tumble over. He fell shortly afterwards, and his gun and badge fell out of his concealed holster.

"What the– what is this?!" Steven asked. He picked up the badge. "Hey, I'm starting to think you're not a transition officer after all!"

"Crap!" Cory grabbed the diary from Steven, stood up, and darted toward the door. He bumped into Connie on the way out, who intercepted the diary. Grabbing it to make sure it didn't fall on the floor, Connie accidentally grasped a single page, which was torn from the binding as the book fell down.

Cory decided to just leave it and get out of there. On his way out, however, he bumped into Peridot.

"Oh, hello, can I help you?"

"AHHH!" Cory screamed, pushing past Peridot and running away, disappearing into the corn field.

Peridot stared into the field, an eyebrow raised. "Weirdo," she muttered.

Connie accidentally found herself reading the diary entry she grabbed. It appeared to be the most recent one. She knew it was wrong to pry, but certain keywords in the entry caught her eye.

 _Log Date: Election Night_

 _The polls close in an hour, and several news organizations are predicting a loss for our campaign. Oh well. I don't care about that anymore. I have "bigger fish to fry", as Steven once put it._

 _Speaking of Steven and frying large aquatic animals, this thing with Steven is getting really weird. After we almost fused last week, I've been trying to make sure it never happens again. The problem is that as the days go by I'm more and more certain that I want to try it._

 _Whatever illness Connie was telling me about where she 'fell' for him, I think it's contagious and I think I contracted it from her, because I am now exhibiting the same symptoms. I hope it's curable, because this feels terrible. If I win the election, one of my first efforts will be to create a vaccine for whatever terrible disease Connie and I have been afflicted with._

 _I'll also be sure to scold her on the importance of washing her hands regularly so that she doesn't spread disease. The History Channel tells me this disease was deadly at one point in human history, as it's what killed the historical figures Romeo and Juliet, and the fact that humans are still spreading it around is baffling._

Connie narrowed her eyes. She couldn't believe what she was reading! She slowly looked up from the entry at Peridot, who had just entered the barn.

"So! What did I miss?" Peridot asked, dusting herself off.

"Mr. Not A Narc showed up, he said he was going to help with transition stuff," Lapis said. "I hope he comes back soon. He left his personal belongings."

Peridot picked up the handgun and badge that Mr. Not A Narc had dropped. Shrugging, she bubbled the items and tossed them in with the other junk, right next to a left-over jar of talking grapes from a previous adventure and a chart which detailed Lars's poorly thought-out, unresolved character arc. "We'll hold on to it in case he comes back for it later."

"So what did the Governor want?" Steven asked.

"Eh. Nothing important," Peridot replied. "So! Now that that whole ordeal is over with, it's time to act! Let's get to it!" Peridot started to walk towards the exit, Lapis and Steven following her. On her way out, she glanced at Connie. "Oh, by the way. Wash your hands. I think you got me sick." She continued on her way and exited the barn—not noticing the death glare that Connie was giving her the entire time.

* * *

 **A/N: This was actually originally two chapters, one about the fused Congress (called "Fusion Sandwich"), and one about the FBI narc (called "Definitely Not Narcos"). I didn't have enough material for either story, so the chapter itself ended up becoming a fusion that was more about the aftermath of the election and setting things up for the last few chapters.**

 **I think fusing the stories instead of picking one and expanding on it (or even just dealing with a shorter chapter) was a bad idea, this chapter just ended up being a mess of ideas with no real conclusion. Oh well. The next one will be better.**


	8. Chapter 8: Freedom Day

**A/N: Took a week off to finish a cartoon I'd been working on for the last few months. Back to the normal schedule, now!**

 **Don't worry, it's not turning into a romance story. The fusion thing is just another problem stacked onto Peridot's increasingly heavy plate of things she has to deal with.**

 **...also, I battled with using the term "Democratic-Republicans" for like two days since that party already existed in history and is nothing like either current party before deciding it didn't really matter. Identity politics are dumb, that's the point I was trying to make (and why I opted not to associate Peridot or Dewey with any given political party). Anyway, it's time for a "breather episode", so to speak. Things have been really tense for the last few chapters and I just want to take things to a softer, lighter place for a chapter.**

* * *

Mayor Peridot placed the last work of art—a painting she'd commissioned several months ago of herself with the rest of the Crystal Gems, as well as Lapis, Pumpkin, and Steven's uncle Andy—on the wall, completing her redecoration of the Office of the Mayor of Beach City. Her four-year term started right now, and she was excited to get right into it. A small radio on her desk was tuned to a local variety station, and she hummed along to the song as she made one more trip around the office to make sure everything was in place.

" _We can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behind,"_ she hummed as she straightened a framed photo of herself with a business man from Empire City who would later go on to run for some kind of unimportant elected office himself. " _Because your friends don't dance, and if they don't dance, well they're no friends of mine."_ She wondered how Ronald's campaign went. She never spoke to him again after that initial meeting.

Satisfied with the state of the room, she marched over to her desk and sat down, looking very dignified. "Well? Do I look like a leader?"

Steven, who sat on the other end of the desk, flashed Peridot a big smile and gave her a thumbs up. "You look like you're ready to take on the world!" Connie, who sat next to Steven, didn't respond. Something else seemed to be on her mind.

Peridot raised an eyebrow. "Connie?"

Connie realized everyone was staring at her and stammered. "O-oh. Well, uh, you– yeah, fine, you look like… You look like somebody who was elected to be here."

"Excellent!" Peridot exclaimed proudly, clenching a fist. "Today's an important day in Earthling history. I, Peridot, Facet-whatever, Cut-it doesn't matter anymore, am about lead this city through its most prosperous era yet! ...and, since Beach City doesn't impose term limits, I can effectively rule until the heat-death of the universe!"

"And we'll be with you for at least seventy of those years!" Steven exclaimed, happy to see his friend in such an important position. "Right, Connie?"

"Mhmm. Sure."

Peridot tilted her head. "Seventy? Why, what happens at the end of seventy years?"

Steven blinked. "Oh. Uh, well…"

"Let's just get through the four years, first," Connie interjected. "After all, we wouldn't want to jump the gun. Who knows, you might do a terrible job, and in 2021? Bam. You're voted out of office."

Steven gave Connie a weird look. "Why would you say that?"

"No, no, she's right," Peridot said. "I can't get too ahead of myself. If I'm not a good leader, I can't get re-elected. Thanks for the advice, Connie."

"Don't mention it. Pal."

Peridot leaned back in her seat and stared up at the ceiling. "You brought up a really good point. The truth is… I'm nervous. What if I do a bad job? What if I'm a bad leader?" Peridot shuddered. "What if I let the power get to my head, and I get this big, overinflated ego?" She glanced down at her desk. This morning, she'd received a letter of congratulations from the President himself, who similarly ran an unorthodox and controversial campaign to a surprising but ultimately narrow victory. That certainly was an ego booster.

"An overinflated ego? On YOU?" Connie asked, slightly facetiously. "Please. Nonsense. I can't IMAGINE a world where you've got a big ego."

Peridot smiled. "You're a good friend, Connie." Looking back up at the ceiling, she frowned again. "But… I'm still worried. I don't… I just don't want to end up hated like every other schmuck that gets elected into some kind of office, or feared like the Diamonds."

"Who taught you that word? Schmuck?" Steven questioned. "Peridot. Listen. You're going to do great. And you know why? Because I believe in you, and you believe in me, so therefore vicariously YOU believe in you!"

"I… Guess…" Peridot took a deep breath. "Okay. Alright. Four years of prosperity starts right now. First thing's first. Dewey left behind a stack of papers detailing the crime rates in Beach City." Peridot opened her desk and pulled out said stack. "Let's look at this data… This data doesn't make any sense."

"Huh?" Steven tilted his head in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"It says here that there's more violent crime in Beach City than there are people to both commit and be victims of said crime. This math doesn't add up." Peridot shuffled through the papers some more. "There were three _hundred_ crimes reported in Beach City in 2016?! What the heck, there's like twelve people in this town in total!"

"Tourists," a voice muttered from across the room. Peridot, Steven, and Connie all looked up to see Garnet leaning against the doorframe, smiling. "Congratulations Peridot, you just inherited the most dangerous city in the state," she chuckled.

"What do you mean, tourists?"

Garnet walked further into the room, followed by Amethyst and Pearl. "In the summer months, humans from all over the country flock over here to get away from the stresses of their usual lives. Unfortunately, some of those humans… Aren't so friendly."

Peridot raised an eyebrow. "And yet you raised Steven here."

Garnet shrugged. "If anyone tried to hurt Steven, I'd know about it. Besides. He can take care of himself now." She ruffled Steven's hair. The boy laughed.

"Garnet, come on!"

"Speaking of which," Garnet said, "we've got a mission."

Steven perked up. "Whoa, it's been a while."

Pearl nodded. "Apparently, some deranged elderly human and his grandson got their hands on some old gem tech. We need to get over there and confiscate it before they can do any damage."

Peridot grinned. "Sounds like you'll need a Homeworld gem to help you identify what you're looking for! Let's get-"

"Not so fast," Garnet interrupted. "You've got a new set of responsibilities now. You're the city's representative, as well as ours, which means you've got to stay here and make sure things are quiet on the homefront."

"Oh. ...are you sure you don't-"

Steven smiled at Peridot. "Hey, don't worry. We'll be fine without you. Stay here, relax, enjoy your new office! You earned it!"

Connie smiled sweetly. "Yeah, Peridot. You should stay behind. It's for the best."

"...oh… Okay…" Peridot sat back down. "You're absolutely right, of course. I have a city to run!"

Steven and Connie stood up and prepared to follow the gems out. "See you later, Peridot!" Steven called as they made their leave. "Don't worry! We've got it under control!"

Garnet stopped him. "Actually… why don't you stay here?"

"What?" Steven and Connie asked simultaneously.

"I have no doubt Peridot's going to need help for her first couple of weeks as mayor," Garnet said. "Steven. I'm tasking you with one of the most important missions a Crystal Gem has ever been given."

"Whoooooa!" Steven exclaimed, eyes widening.

"The Crystal Gems have expanded into politics," Garnet continued. "...admittedly, not the path I saw us taking, but nonetheless, Peridot is the first Gem to ever hold elected office. Not just on Earth, but anywhere. Peridot is the first Gem to ever rise to power through a peaceful and fair election. Never on Homeworld or on Earth has this happened before. Therefore, it is my opinion that Peridot… is historically important to Gemkind."

"I am?" Peridot asked.

"She is?" Connie asked at the same time.

Garnet nodded. "Peridot is a symbol. A giant, glowing beacon to Homeworld that their leadership style isn't the only one that works… And neither was Rose's. That strong leaders can rise peacefully, and work for the betterment of those around them. It's exactly the kind of message Rose would have wanted to pass along, but not the message she ever got the chance to pass along. Peridot is the messenger for that decree."

"Whoooooooooooooooaaaa!" Steven said, eyes widening even further.

"Steven… Do you want to make history by being the first adviser to the first elected Gem?"

"Do I!" Steven exclaimed.

Garnet nodded again. "Then it's settled. Steven, you need to stay here to help guide Peridot."

"I'll stay, too," Connie said quickly. Garnet shook her head.

"This will be a good team-building exercise for you," the fusion said. "You can fight well alongside Steven, but you need to learn to work just as well with the rest of us. Because Steven won't always be beside you, and you won't always be able to accompany him. Do you understand?"

Connie looked conflicted. "I… Guess."

"Alright then. Let's move out," Garnet said as she and the others walked out. "Steven, Peridot. Do us proud. Who knows?" She turned back to face them, intentionally letting her visor fall onto her nose and revealing her third eye—two parts Ruby, one part Sapphire. "You two might become even closer than you thought possible."

"I- I'm sorry, what?" Peridot managed to stammer out. She glanced over at Steven. Judging by the dumb look on his face, he didn't catch the implication at all. _What are you trying to do, Garnet?_ Peridot wondered.

"Well, we'll see you all in a bit," Garnet said, pushing her visor back onto her face. "I mean, probably. We might be gone a while."

"Oh, please," Pearl scoffed. "How much trouble can a senile old inventor and his awkward teenage grandson really be?"

"You'd be surprised," Garnet said as the quartet left the room. Connie glanced back at Steven slightly before sighing and continuing out. The door closed, leaving Steven and Peridot all alone.

"Alright. I guess I should try and get through some of this paperwork," Peridot muttered quietly. "A private company wants to build a dome over the park so they can send it into space? Um. No. Veto." She crossed the notice out with a big red "x". "Find some other park to send into space, do you know how ugly a giant park-shaped hole in the ground would look?" Peridot looked up and was startled to find Steven leaning up on the desk, grinning widely in her face. She could practically see the stars in his eyes. "Can I help you-"

"POLITICS ADVENTURE!" Steven yelled, grabbing Peridot in a tight hug. "Hey, Peridot! I just realized! It's Freedom Day!" The boy gasped loudly and put both hands to his own face, smooshing his cheeks up to exaggerate his shock. "That's super symbolic! You're the first Gem to hold elected office. And it's Freedom Day! You! You should give a speech!"

"Steven, I don't know, I-"

"You HAVE to give a speech!" Steven encouraged. "The annual fireworks show is tonight. Everyone in town is going to be there! Come on. Do you want to spend the first big event to happen since you took office indoors? Imagine how that'll look!"

"How will that look?" Peridot questioned. "I'm busy, I need to—"

"'I don't think the mayor really cares about the people,'" Steven said, mocking a grumpy old man's voice. "'All she does is stay inside, she hasn't connected with us at all.'"

Peridot rolled her eyes. "Steven, you're not—"

"'I agree!'" Steven continued, switching to a woman's voice. "'Mayor Peridot's all talk! Why, she's just an elitist, and everyone in her office is an elitist! How can she drain the swamp if she IS the swamp?'"

"Steven—"

"'Hey guys, it's me, Lars!'" Steven continued, now imitating Lars. "'I'm stuck on another planet right now, but even I know that Mayor Peridot's really boring and doesn't know anything about the people of Beach City, and also she's really short and—'"

"OKAY, FINE!" Peridot yelled, her hair-trigger temper having been… well, triggered. "I'll do the damn speech, are you happy?!"

Steven crossed his arms and nodded, smiling smugly. "Very." Peridot shot him an annoyed glare, and he just stuck his tongue out playfully. "I'm your adviser, so I know what's best and you should listen to me."

Peridot rolled her eyes, but her expression softened. "Okay, well, you're going to have to help me out, here. I don't know what Freedom Day is."

Steven's eyes lit up. "STORY TIME!" he yelled, piercing Peridot's ears.

"I'm right next to you Steven, jeez."

"Sorry," Steven whispered with a wide smile on his pudgy face. "Story tiiiime!" He prepared to begin the story, but then frowned. "Uh, actually, I'm a little bit fuzzy on the details myself. For being a group of people who have lived on this planet since before the Romans, the Crystal Gems don't really talk that much about Earth history stuff unless it has to do with them, so the only two people I really get that information from are my dad and Connie.

"I'm pretty sure… I think it went something like this." Steven took a moment to gather his thoughts. "Okay, so… so like, there's England, right? And they've got this queen, and the Queen has all those swans. So, like, back then there was also a king, and HE wanted OTHER people's swans."

"Okay."

"And, like… So, okay, hold up, let me start over. So FIRST, SPAIN had a king and queen, and they, like… There was this Italian guy… Or maybe he was Portuguese."

"Steven, this story doesn't make any sense."

Steven held his hand up. "Don't make me lose my train of thought! Anyway, so, long story short, the Italian guy goes from Europe over HERE, to America. That's the continent we're on. And all the other European kings and queens sent their own Italian explorers here too, so they basically colonized it."

"Sounds familiar."

"Here's where it gets REALLY familiar," Steven continued. "So THEN, get this, this guy, George Washington Bush, he doesn't like being colonized! So then he throws a bunch of tea into the New English Bay—that's in Constitution City up in New England—and forms a team of guys to free the colonies! Pearl told me that the Crystal Gems tried to stay out of it, but they ended up crossing the Delmarva River anyway.

"And now, every year, on the day we declared independence from Europe, Americans launch fireworks to celebrate. Think of how cool it would be if you, the first Gem to successfully break from Homeworld and run for a Human government position, gave a speech about freedom!"

"I suppose it would be symbolic," Peridot pondered, hand on her chin. Leaning back in her chair, she placed both feet up on her desk casually and smirked. "Yeah. Freedom Day. I like the sound of that!"

"Alright! Now we just need to write a speech! ...just make sure it's better than that other guy's..."

"Whose?"

Steven shook his head. "The governor of Jersey. He's in some hot water right now because he closed off a public beach to everyone but himself."

"Oh, well, that's stupid," Peridot said. "He better be able to get himself out of that."

* * *

The Governor of Jersey nervously paced the floor as the rather angry crowd in front of him demanded justice. He really screwed the pooch on this one. It really seemed to him like his career was on a downward spiral after he dropped out of the Presidential race. He made one last attempt to appeal to the lynch mob. "S-summer is here, and what's a better way to celebrate than going to one of Jersey's 117 public beaches! You guys hear that? 117! Lots of beaches are open right now!"

"It used to be 118," one deadpan member of the angry mob added. "Then you closed that one."

"Okay, but it wasn't even THAT GOOD of a beach! It was, like, one of the sucky ones! Surely you guys don't care about that!"

"All of the beaches here SUCK," a spray-tanned citizen yelled. "You took the best one, and it wasn't even that good!"

The Governor tugged at his collar nervously. "I- okay, fair point. Uh, listen guys, beaches aren't even that glamorous! I-I mean, remember Jersey Shore? That show was terrible!"

"Oh, real nice!" another spray-tanned woman in the crowd yelled. "You realized you screwed up, so now you're scapegoating Snooki!"

"I'm not SCAPEGOATING anyone! I-"

The deadpan heckler from earlier spoke up again. "Hey, did you guys hear that Jersey Shore's getting another season? They're going to Delmarva this year."

The Governor stopped panicking long enough to shoot the heckler a confused look. "Delmarva?"

"Yeah, they're shooting the season in Beach City. The first episode airs tonight."

* * *

Peridot and Steven watched as a camera crew followed a group of spray-tanned individuals down the boardwalk. They were all yelling and swearing at each other, yet at the same time it seemed like some of them were really good friends who cared about each other a lot. "That's strange," Peridot said. "Their words speak hatred, but there's a real sense of love and respect emanating from them."

Steven shrugged. "It's a Jersey thing, you know? I heard that people from Jersey don't even know what 'I love you' means. ...so, uh, why did we come to the boardwalk?"

"If I'm going to do this speech, I have to do it right. I'm going to figure out what 'freedom' means to the people of Beach City." Peridot glanced over at Onion, who was running by with a crowbar. "Like that human. What does 'freedom' mean to him?"

Steven shot Onion a worried look. "I don't know, but he should probably change his definition soon, because sometimes I worry that he'll go to prison when he's older."

"Aha! Criminal justice reforms! That's something I should work on while I'm the Mayor."

Steven looked on while Onion pried open a vending machine, grabbed a soda, opened it, and didn't even drink it before pouring the drink on the floor like some kind of madman and walking away with the empty can. "I don't think that'll help him."

Peridot examined the people of Beach City as they traversed the boardwalk. Some teenagers were tossing poppers at the ground. Kids were waving sparklers. Mr. Smiley was preparing… Something. Everybody was doing something festive. Except for the group from Jersey, who seemed to not realize what day it was.

Suddenly, Peridot heard a loud "crack" that sounded a lot like an explosion. Gasping, she grabbed Steven and got down on the ground. "We're under attack, Steven! They're going to give me the John Kennedy Treatment! I don't even know what that is!" Steven started laughing. "This isn't funny. Why is this funny?! Are you in on it?!"

Steven laughed some more, before pointing up in the sky. "We're not under attack, Peridot! Look!" Peridot followed his finger to a spot in the sky, where it appeared that the atmosphere had caught fire.

"They're _airbursting thermonuclear explosives_?!" Peridot yelled, appalled.

"No, silly!" Steven laughed. "It's just for show! It happens every year! Look!"

Peridot's eyes followed Steven's finger down to Mr. Smiley, who looked up at the sky contentedly. Peridot then watched as he lit the fuse on another device, which shot up into the air and exploded, showering the area in red, white, and blue sparks. Peridot stared up at the sky in wonder.

"Every year, on Freedom Day, humans just… blow stuff up?" Peridot asked.

"Yeah!" Steven exclaimed, nodding excitedly.

"...why?"

"Because freedom!" He looked up at the sky just in time to see Mr. Smiley test another rocket. "Besides, blowing stuff up is fun! You know, when it's not a part of a war or something." Steven got a sort of mischievous look and glanced over at the stand nearby which was selling fireworks. "Wanna give it a try?"

* * *

Red, white, blue, and gold sparks lit up the sky in front of the sunset. A volcano sat on the sand nearby. Steven waved around a sparkler while Peridot tossed tiny crackers around the beach, which exploded on impact. Peridot cackled with glee the entire time as she did something a normal politician would never even THINK of doing—having fun.

But Peridot was not a normal politician. While Steven showed her the magic of freedom, she completely forgot she ever had a care in the world. For these few moments, it was just her, Steven, and fifty dollars' worth of weapons-grade explosives. In these few moments, Peridot was thankful for two things; one, that of all the places on the planet she could have ended up in, it was the country so free that she could buy straight-up explosives from some guy running his business out of a shack with nothing more than a verbal agreement that she was 16 years of age or older (the man didn't even question the fact that he clearly saw Steven give Peridot the money to do so); and two, that Steven was here to show her the wonders of the planet she now called home.

Peridot recognized, of course, that blind patriotism more or less leads to situations like what happened on Homeworld. She never questioned an order she was given and as a result she came very close to hurting people she now cared about greatly. But having come from an environment like that, she could also appreciate WHY people liked this country so much, even if it wasn't perfect and even if humans had a very long way to go before they all considered each other equals. A chance at freedom is still a chance, something she never got on Homeworld.

So in this moment, she felt patriotic. Not because she felt coerced, or because her Diamond would shatter her if she didn't. She felt patriotic because she felt free to feel patriotic. Not just for her country, but for her planet. Homeworld wasn't her planet anymore; she held no loyalty to Yellow Diamond, or Jasper, or anyone else on her planet of "birth". Earth was her planet. Earth was where she TRULY felt at home. Earth was the planet where she could be whoever she wanted to be, such as the Mayor of a coastal resort town, and do whatever she wanted to do, such as fuse with—

Peridot frowned and stopped tossing crackers. Well, that was fun while it lasted, but all of her worries started flooding back to the front of her mind. She looked over at Steven. Should she tell him? Probably. Was she going to? Probably not.

As much as she was grateful to be free from Homeworld's toxic influence, she was also able to admit—with some amount of shame, of course—that her mindset was still very much influenced by what they drilled into her head. Fusion was still a scary concept for her. She wasn't entirely sure what it entailed, what it felt like, or whether it would ever be right for her. But, like an Alabama native, her upbringing left a rather large degree of prejudice on her mind, and several negative things still came to her mind whenever the topic of fusion came up.

Besides, Lapis was the only one she knew besides Garnet who spent extended periods of time in a fusion, and she came out of that one super messed up. Peridot still didn't even know the full details of what happened, because Lapis just didn't want to talk about it. Ever. What if fusing with Steven wound up being a terrible, traumatizing event that left both of them mentally scarred?

Or, even worse, what if Peridot went down Jasper's path and became addicted to the sensation? What if she started forcing or coercing fusions from others, including Steven and Lapis because she, like Tiger Woods, just couldn't get enough of the rush? What if—?

"Peridot?" Steven interrupted her train of thought. "Is something wrong?"

Peridot glanced at Steven, then back at the volcano in front of her, which was beginning to die out. "Nothing," she lied. "I just realized I haven't written that speech yet."

"Oh. Well, I'm sure you'll think of something." Steven raised an eyebrow as he stared at the Jersey group. It appeared that a fight had broken out between a woman who was shorter than Peridot and one of the other Jersey girls. "Or you could just do what they do and not think about anything before you speak."

Peridot responded by opening her mouth and letting out a very loud yell which she felt accurately expressed her feelings at the given moment.

"...okay, well, that's a start," Steven responded. "Look. Just relax, okay? Come on. Sit down."

"I am not putting my butt on these filthy grains of—"

"Pop a squat, Peridot!" Steven commanded. Peridot rolled her eyes, but she sat down anyway.

"What is it, Steven Bannonverse?"

"Listen. I KNOW there's more on your mind than that dumb speech," Steven said.

"You're the one who wanted me to do that dumb speech."

"Is this about the crime rate? Because those statistics look way worse than they actually are."

Peridot sighed. "No, Steven. This isn't about the crime rate."

"Is it about those Jersey guys?"

"No."

"Mayor Dewey?"

"No, Steven, it's not about any of that." Peridot shut her eyes and groaned. "What's going on with me is a very complex political… complexity that you can never hope to understand." Peridot hugged her legs closer to her body and rested her chin on her knees, staring at the now-dead volcano in front of her as she spoke. "Don't take that the wrong way, it's just… There are some things I'd rather you not understand."

Beat.

"Did the Diamonds find out about your newfound political power and contact you via satellite magic to try to strike a deal with you to sell us out?"

Peridot briefly raised her head from her knees to glare at Steven. Without saying a word, she returned to her earlier position and kept staring at the remains of the volcano.

"Sorry. That was dumb."

Peridot sighed. "It wasn't dumb. It was a reasonable assumption to make." She glanced up at the stars that were beginning to come into view. "But no. That's not what's going on. I doubt they even care about the state of affairs on Earth anymore. They're probably dealing with finding Pink Diamond's actual killer, now." She glanced back over at Steven. "I'm kidding, obviously. They still think it was you. Or your mom. Whatever. That doesn't matter. It wasn't her. It was Yellow."

"You really think so?"

"Based on what you told me about the proceedings at the trial? Yes. It's fairly obvious that she's the one who gave Pink the John Kennedy treatment."

"Oh."

Silence.

"Of course, I wasn't there. And I didn't know Pink Diamond existed until last year. So I could be wrong."

"Where are you going with this, Peridot?"

Peridot flopped onto the ground and groaned. "I'm just making conversation because I don't want to talk about the actual issue."

Steven frowned and looked up at the stars. "You're being weird."

"It's a free planet. I can be as weird as I want." Peridot's eyes widened. "I think I just wrote my speech. That's one problem solved."

"Hah! I knew there was something else wrong besides the speech!"

"Well done, Steven. You should be a detective." Peridot sat up and got back onto her feet, glaring behind her as she wiped the sand off of her posterior. "Jeez, that stuff really sticks to you." Peridot started to walk away, but stopped when she heard Steven snickering. She turned around and stared at him as he held back a laugh. "What?"

"Pffft… Peridot…"

"What? What's so funny?"

Steven pointed to the ground and let out the laugh he'd been holding in. Peridot, an unamused look still affixed to her face, stared at the spot in the sand he was pointing at.

Her buttcheeks left an imprint on the sand.

Peridot continued to glare, but it was very obvious that she, too, was trying to hold back a laugh, her lips quivering as she stared at her butt print. "Steven, that's… pffft… That's not funny…"

"Then why are you laughing?"

"I'm not– I'm not laughing. And if I am, I'm laughing at you. Not with you. Because your sense of humor is pitiful and juvenile." Peridot looked away indignantly, still trying to hide a smirk. "This– this isn't funny. There's nothing funny about… pffffft… Heh. Okay." Peridot looked back at Steven, half-smiling. "So it's a little funny."

Peridot and Steven made their way back to the boardwalk. The loudspeakers blasted loud, bass-y dubstep music while the citizens continued to celebrate Freedom Day and the Jersey group continued to be obnoxious ("You whore!" one woman shouted to another. "I told you I wanted to go on that ride first, and you went on it anyway! But I love you so much and you're my best friend, don't ever go anywhere.")

Steven was pretty sure he just saw Sour Cream pocket a dimebag, but he decided not to say anything, because snitches got stitches.

Peridot bumped into Buck Dewey, which, needless to say, was totally awkward. "Oh. You're… you're Dewey's son, aren't you?"

Buck nodded. "Yeah. That last election was pretty cool."

"It was? But I kicked your father out of office, and used your image to denigrate his campaign."

"Yeah. That wasn't cool. But the rest of it was pretty cool." Buck shrugged. "Besides. I don't have to help him campaign anymore. And now that he's not in office, he's a lot cooler than he used to be."

"What does he do nowadays, anyway?"

"He sits in his study and contemplates life."

Peridot blinked, her pupils basically pinpricks and her eyebrows furrowing with worry. "O-oh."

"Yeah. It's really deep and I appreciate that. Well. See you around, Mayor." Buck walked away, leaving Peridot feeling terribly.

"Oops."

"That's not your fault, Peridot," Steven said. "It's just… I mean, you know, Mayor Dewey just has to find his new calling!"

"What did Hillary Clinton do after losing her election?"

Steven blinked. "Let's talk about something else," he muttered. That something else made its way to him in the form of Sour Cream, whose eyes were noticeably glossy.

"Hey, Steven, have you seen Jenny around here?" he asked. "She borrowed my grinder and I need it back."

Steven frowned. "No, I haven't seen her. ...ALSO, the Mayor is right here, so…" Sour Cream glanced at Peridot, then back at Steven, who sighed. "So maybe you shouldn't talk about that kind of thing in front of her? Because you can get in trouble?"

Peridot's eyes widened as she noticed the dimebag that was hanging slightly out of Sour Cream's pocket. "Wait, is that illegal?"

Steven now looked over at Peridot. "Yeah, it's illegal."

Peridot hummed. "Huh. Probably should get rid of what's at the barn, then."

"You have pot at the barn?!" Steven questioned.

"Don't be ridiculous, Steven. I have CANNABIS at the barn. Pots and pans are used for cooking, and as somebody who doesn't need to eat, I don't need to cook."

"Where did you get it?"

Peridot shrugged. "Grew it."

Sour Cream started laughing. "Dude, you're growing pot?! Aw, man. You're the coolest mayor ever!" He then walked away and continued his quest to find Jenny and his missing grinder.

Steven glared at Peridot. "Peridot, you can't grow that stuff, it's super illegal."

"I'm not actually growing it, Steven." Peridot and Steven continued to walk down the boardwalk. "I just wanted to see his reaction. I did some research on the campaign trail. I know ALL ABOUT the illicit activities some of the teenagers around here partake in." She smirked. "Such as illegal street racing."

Steven started to stutter. "I- well- okay, okay, hold on, TECHNICALLY, I didn't even do that. I was fused with Connie at the time, so TECHNICALLY, Stevonnie did that."

"Oh, what a distinction."

"It IS a distinction!" Steven protested. "You've never been in a fusion before, you wouldn't get it. It feels totally different."

Peridot laughed. "You're right! I don't get it!"

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Do you WANT to get it?"

Peridot stopped in her tracks. _He_ asked _her._ This was so much easier than she thought it would be! Now was her chance!

"No thanks, I'm good."

Peridot moved to the front of the crowd and cleared her throat. "Ahem." Nobody heard her. "AHEM." Still nobody heard her. Looking around, she found a garbage can whose lid she felt could hold her weight. She placed the lid on the ground, stood on top of it, and, using her ferrokinesis, levitated herself to meet the crowd in height. "Hey everyone, I'm talking!" Everyone turned to look at her, and she gave them all a satisfied smile. "That's more like it."

Steven pushed his way through the crowd to observe the speech. "Uh, as you may or may not know," Peridot continued, "I'm Mayor Peridot. Facet-2F5L, Cut-5XG. Not that that last bit matters anymore. First of all, I wanted to thank those of you who came out to vote two weeks ago. Even if you didn't vote for me. I promise I'm going to try and please my detractors as well as my supporters. I realize neither me nor my opponent were very… popular in the days leading up to the election. So, uh… Let's see what I can do to change that?" Peridot smiled and laughed nervously. She felt like everyone was staring her down, so she levitated herself slightly higher. "Ah. There we go.

"Today was my first 'real' day as your mayor, so I found it… Uh, appropriate to attend the Freedom Day celebrations. I'm going to be honest. You're all weirdos. You blow things up for fun, you… You stay out in the sun until you turn orange, you burn herbs until you can hear colors. I don't get most of it."

Steven was starting to get worried. "Ok Peridot, start turning it around, now…" he muttered to himself.

"But… That's what makes this planet so great!" Peridot said, perking up slightly. "You're all TOTALLY FREE to be weirdos! WE'RE all totally free to be weirdos. I'M a complete stranger to your culture, and look at ME! I'm the MAYOR! Here, we can be who we want to be, and nobody can tell us we can't! THAT'S what freedom's all about! Being YOURSELF.

"Where I come from, we… We don't get those same freedoms." Peridot frowned and started to look a little sad as she remembered her life in the past. "I used to spend every waking moment of my life afraid that, if I screwed up even just a little bit, I was done. Dead. Shattered, harvested, or worse. And that's bleak. It's really, really bleak, and I'm SORRY if I'm bumming you out like that, but… It all just makes me appreciate what you have here so much more!

"I'm literally the first of my kind to hold any sort of elected office. Democracy is totally unheard of where I'm from. So today, on my first Freedom Day, I'm celebrating the fact that I can talk about all of this without being killed! I'm PRETTY SURE they're not watching me!" Peridot's confident look was replaced with a slightly worried one. "I hope."

Various members of the crowd began to mutter in agreement, and some applause came from the supporters. Even the detractors had to admit that freedom was totally rad.

"So, tonight," Peridot began her conclusion, "I want all of you to think about the things you're free to do, and really appreciate it. Because I will ALWAYS fight to make sure you have those freedoms, regardless of whether or not I'm your mayor. Happy Freedom Day, everyone!"

More applause. Peridot wiped a bead of sweat from her forehead. So far, so good. Nobody wanted to kill her yet. She ceased her levitation and fell to the ground, sticking the landing as elegantly as possible. Steven approached her, smiling.

"Well, that's one day down. Only three years and three hundred and sixty-four days to go!" he congratulated. "So I guess now the only thing left to do is enjoy the night."

"That was some speech, Mayor," a familiar voice congratulated from within the crowd, which had resumed partying. Peridot and Steven turned to greet the intruder. Peridot frowned.

"Tim Hairpiece?" Peridot questioned. "Shouldn't you be digging up dirt on some other politician or rigging some other election right now?"

"Come, now, Mayor," Tim said charismatically. "You know I was only doing my job. The audience loves a good drama. Besides. It worked out well for you, didn't it?"

"I suppose. I still detest your deplorable form of 'media'. Fake News at its finest."

"Au contraire, Peridot. Our network is one of the last sources of REAL news on the planet."

"Your network produces sensationalized hit pieces for ratings."

Tim chuckled. "Sensational? Perhaps. But it's still REAL. None of what we say is false, merely… Filtered."

"Uh huh. Sure."

"You ought to be careful who you call 'Fake News,' Peridot." Tim swirled his glass of wine and took a sip from it. "We wouldn't want people comparing you to the President, now would we?"

"Where are you going with this?"

"Nowhere, I suppose. I'm not here on business tonight, merely pleasure. It's my day off." Tim smiled as another man in a suit and bowtie—Peridot assumed he was Tim's butler—approached with another glass of wine. Tim grabbed the glass and offered it to Peridot. "Here. A sign of good will."

"I don't drink."

"Just take it, Peridot," Steven whispered. "I don't think this guy's going to go away unless you do. It's just a glass, you'll be fine."

"Ugh. Fine." Peridot grabbed the glass and stared into it. "Thank you, Tim." She downed the entire glass in one go and handed it back to Hairpiece. "Now, if you'll excuse me."

"Of course." Tim nodded to his butler, and they both left.

"Clod," Peridot muttered. Suddenly, she lost her balance and nearly tripped.

"Are you okay?" Steven questioned.

"Fine. Just a little light-headed, that's all."

Steven raised an eyebrow. "Seriously? Peridot, you had one glass."

"And. And. I'm not human. Who knows, maybe that stuff affects me differently."

"Maybe we should get back to your office…"

Peridot scoffed. "Steven, I'm fine. So I'm a LITTLE tipsy, I'm not going to die! ...I think. Look, it's a party. Let's try and have a little bit of fun before the night's over!"

Steven shrugged. "Well, okay. But if you get any drunker, we're taking you straight home."

"Steven, don't worry about it. It probably all just hit me at once. I'll be fine!"

* * *

Peridot was not fine.

Evidently, Gems were huge lightweights, as that single drink, two hours later, had rendered her complete inebriated. Fireworks lit the sky various shades of red, white, and blue while Peridot danced drunkenly to 80s music as Steven watched.

"Okay, Peridot," he said. "I think that's enough."

"Pffffft!" Peridot scoffed, giggling madly as she stumbled around. "So it'sh a little worse than I- than I thought. Who CAAAAAARES? We're all having fun! Hey, hey Steven, check this out." Peridot proceeded to drunkenly lift a spoon in the air with her mind. It fell to the ground a second later. "See? I'm FIIIIINE."

"I'm taking you home."

The DJ put Safety Dance on. Peridot grinned. "Oh. OHHHHHH! Ilovethishong! Steven! Come on, come oooonnnn! One more song!"

"Well…"

"Steven. Steven. Come on. Don't be a sourpu- sour- sour- PUSSY."

Steven groaned and placed a hand to his face. "Fine. One more song."

" _S- A- F- E- T- Y- Safety- Dance!"_

Peridot started "dancing" to the song. Her dance was hardly more than a drunken stumble, but she seemed to be enjoying herself, so Steven figured it wouldn't hurt her. She'd pass out later and wake up hungover tomorrow and never want to do it again, so in a way, he figured it'd probably help her in the long run.

" _We can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behind, because your friends don't dance and if they don't dance, well they're no friends of mine."_

"YEEEEEAH!" Peridot grinned. "Steven. You heard the song! Dance!"

"I'm kind of tired, Peridot."

" _I say, we can go where we want to, a place where they will never find, and we can act like we come from out of this world, leave the real one far behind._

" _And we can dance."_

"Hey! HEY! I'M from out of this world! Steven, this song is about ME!"

"It sure is, Peridot."

Tim Hairpiece and his camera crew began to set up at the boardwalk. Tim smirked as he watched the drunken mayor dance with the other residents of Beach City. "That was one hell of a drink you mixed, Jim," Tim complimented his butler. "That 'extra ingredient' sure did the trick. Get that camera ready. Audiences are going to LOVE this."

Steven noticed the rather large blush across Peridot's face as she grinned stupidly while she continued to dance. Yeah. She was plastered.

Peridot grabbed Steven's hand. "Come on. Daaaaance!"

"We really need to get you home."

Peridot gave Steven a rather sad, pleading look. "Please, Steven. One *hic* dance, then I SWEAR we can leave."

Steven shrugged again. "Alright, Peridot. I can only be Responsible Grown-Up Steven for so long. I will grant you one dance. Okay?"

Peridot looked at her friend intensely for several seconds before snickering. "You're, like, fifteen, you CLOD!" she slurred, before dragging Steven into her drunken dance. "Baarely out of the kindergarten!"

Steven had to admit, for someone who was so heavily inebriated, Peridot could still dance well when paired with a partner. The crowd gathered around to watch the dance, which was surprisingly intricate. They began to cheer as Peridot and Steven brought energy to the dance floor. Every move, every step, every turn brought something new. Even Steven had to admit he was enjoying himself.

" _We can go when we want to, the night is young and so am I. And we can dress real neat, from our hats to our feet, and surprise 'em with a victory cry."_

They were acting real rude, and totally removed, and they were enjoying every moment of it. Steven and Peridot danced for the entirety of _Safety Dance_ —but nothing about this dance was safe. Tim Hairpiece motioned to his cameraman to start rolling.

"It's the Safety Dance!" Peridot slurred. "Well it's the Safety Dance! It's the Safety Dance!"

" _Oh it's the Safety Dance! Oh it's the Safety Dance!"_

The moment the song came to an end (the audience clapping in time with the song's end), Peridot drew Steven in uncomfortably close to her, their faces nearly touching. They were enveloped in a bright, white light.

When the light faded, only one stood on the dance floor.


	9. Chapter 9: Grand Theft Auto

The newcomer puked and passed out the moment the song ended.

When they came to, they were lying on a rather uncomfortable bed. The room was cold and smelled like crap. Their headache was worsened by the single bright light above them. Groaning, they rolled over and fell off of the bed, landing face-first on the hard concrete floor below.

"Ow!" they yelled, groaning in pain as they rolled onto their back and stared up at the ceiling. Their head hurt really bad, but after a moment of adjusting, they realized they had no idea where they were. "What the hell…? This isn't the amusement park."

They got onto their feet—which felt much bigger—and placed a hand—which also felt bigger—on the wall, leaning against it for support. They observed their surroundings. The walls and floors were all concrete. Only a bed and a toilet could be seen in the room. Directly in front of them was a set of bars keeping them trapped in the room, and across that set of bars was a man in a sheriff's uniform sat at a desk. He seemed not to notice that the other had awakened. He was too invested in a phone call, and his back was turned to the cell.

 _Jail_ , our hero thought. _I'm in jail. Great._ What had happened last night? How did they end up here?

"Yeah, I got some drunk here," the sheriff said. "Just found 'em passed out at the Freedom Day celebration last night, sleeping in a puddle of their own puke. I think they've been mixing drugs, too, because I tried to give them a breathalyzer while they were out cold and their BAC doesn't seem very high. That, or this stupid thing is broken…"

Our hero stood up and searched the room some more. Virtually no way out, except…

"Nope. No ID. Well… I found a kid's wallet on them. They probably stole it. Once they wake up I'm gonna give them a piss test and ask them a few questions, run a background check on whatever name they give me… supposing they're sober enough and don't outright lie to me, that is."

One thing was certain; jail _sucked._ They had to find a way out of here. "Alright… how are we going to do this…"

"God, I always get stuck with the lunatics. Why can't I just send these guys to ER or something, make them Dr. Maheswaran's problem? Can't they run drug tests over there?"

Our hero started concentrating on the bars, careful to bend them slowly so as not to make any noise. They were finding it hard to concentrate, it seemed like their mind was a jumbled mess right now. They couldn't tell if that was because of the hangover or… Something else.

"Yeah, sorry, I don't know when I'll be home. What time is it… Three AM. Jesus. Why did I get stuck here? Listen, you have a good night, sorry I had to miss dinner again tonight. Okay, love you too. Yes, I'll stay safe. Goodnight." The cop hung up and sighed. "I could be stopping a bank robbery or uncovering a major corruption ring or something. But no. I'm stuck watching after some drunken idiot."

Having made a sufficient gap between the bars, the prisoner slowly started to slide through. They looked to their right. The door was right there. As long as the guard didn't turn around, they were home free.

They needed to get back to the temple… Wait, no, City Hall. The barn?

 _Wait, where's home?_ they thought. Being lost in thought, our hero didn't notice the trash can in front of them, and they tripped, a loud noise erupting from the room as the can hit the floor.

"Huh?" the guard looked up, a shocked look coming across his face as he stared at the prisoner. "Hey, how the hell did you get out?!"

"Ah!" Our hero turned and ran out the door.

"Stop! Get back here!" The cop drew his pistol and ran after his prisoner. "You are under arrest! Please put your hands in the air and get on the ground!"

The former prisoner dashed through the parking lot, jumping over cars as they approached.

"If you don't stop, I will be forced to shoot! Please put your hands on your head!"

The prisoner turner their head, their pupils becoming pinpricks as the cop pointed his gun in their direction. "Oh, jeez." They really didn't want to get shot today, so they kept running. Shots rang out, and two bullets soared past their head. Letting out a Homer Simpson-esque scream, they summoned their shield and levitated it in the air behind them, three more bullets ricocheting from its surface and embedding themselves in nearby cars.

"Trigger happy, aren't you?!" they shouted. "Can't we all just get along?!" Shield still hovering behind them, our hero hopped one last car and crouched down behind it.

"Listen," the cop explained, "just come out of wherever you're hiding at with your hands up and come with me. Then we can talk about why you just ran."

Our hero peered over the hood of the car. The cop had holstered his weapon and was now searching the parking lot with a flashlight. This hiding spot wouldn't work forever. They felt very exposed. They needed to get out of here, and fast…

Our hero gasped and glanced up at the car's window. They could escape with this! Focusing their mind on the locking mechanism, they tried to figure out how to move that lock…

"I'm sorry I shot atcha. Bad call on my part. Let's all just sit down and talk about what's going on."

He was getting too close. Time for plan B.

Our hero used their shield to smash the driver-side window. They unlocked the door from the inside and got in, staying ducked in the cabin in case the cop started shooting again. They groaned in exasperation when they saw a second keyhole. Likely the ignition system.

 _Where's a skeleton key when you need it?_

"Hey! Stop right there!"

 _Shoot._ Staying low, they pulled the cover from below the steering wheel and started fiddling with the wires.

"Please step out of the vehicle! This is your final—"

The engine roared to life. "Yes!" the prisoner shouted as they sat up in the seat and practically stood on the gas pedal. Nothing happened. The car didn't move.

The parking brake was still on. Our hero groaned and started messing with the gearshift until the car started moving.

"Stop the car, now!" the cop shouted. Ignoring him, our now-free hero stepped on the gas and sped out of the parking lot, more shots ringing out as the car disappeared in the distance.

Now speeding down the open road, our hero sighed with relief. Freedom.

Now if only they could figure out what their name was.

 _Wait. What?_ Our hero looked up in the rear view mirror, and gasped when they saw that they were not _either_ of the two people they last remember being.

"AH!" they shouted as they were enveloped in a bright, white glow. Steven and Peridot became unfused, both falling into the foot space of the passenger seat. The car swerved off the road and slammed into a tree, the car's body becoming warped as it wrapped around the tree.

Smoke erupted from the car's engine as it suddenly died. The bubble that Steven had formed around himself and Peridot dissipated as soon as the danger was gone, and Peridot kicked the driver's side door open. They both fell out, and the car—which Peridot, having become somewhat of a car buff in her time in Earth, now recognized as a 1997 Carter Royal Elizabethan, a four-door sedan commonly used by police departments—burst into flames. Steven and Peridot put some distance between themselves and the car and then fell onto the floor, taking deep breaths as they tried to process what just happened.

Peridot sat up and placed both hands on either side of her head. She was _freaking out_. "What was that?! What were we?! How?! Why?! AGH!"

"Peridot, calm-"

"HOW CAN I CALM DOWN, STEVEN?!" Peridot shouted. "Let's recap what just happened. I drank. We fused. We went to jail, escaped, and crashed a police vehicle. We FUSED. The car burst into flames, cops are looking for us, WE FUSED, and I don't even know where we are. AND WE FUSED. How does that happen?! I didn't ask for that, that's something that can just HAPPEN?!"

"Peridot, we need to—"

The car exploded. Peridot's ears started ringing as a large fireball shot up into the sky, bathing the entire area in an orange glow. The tree caught fire as well, but that wasn't really on Peridot's mind right now.

What was on her mind was Steven, who she looked at with a guilty look on her face. "Steven! I'm so, so sorry! I screwed up! I screwed up bad! I didn't know that would happen, I was too inebriated to even THINK about what we were doing, you probably HATE me now because I basically FORCED you into—" she was cut off as Steven gripped her in a tight hug.

"Peridot! That was so cool!" he gushed. "We were fused, and we didn't even know who we were or what we could do, but we used our powers to escape jail like some kind of action movie heroes, and we stole a CAR, and we HOTWIRED the CAR, and we made a big explosion, and it was so COOL to watch!"

"You're not furious with me?"

"Why would I be mad?" Steven said, smiling. "That was really, really cool! I mean… I guess I'm a little bummed out that our fusion is a wanted criminal now, but—"

"I felt so… Powerful," Peridot muttered. "But, at the same time, I felt so weak. And alone. And hopeless. Like I didn't know who I was or what my purpose was. Is… Is there something wrong with me?"

"No!" Steven said quickly. "No, no, nonono. There's nothing wrong with you. Sometimes a new fusion has to… Figure out who they are! You think Garnet was Garnet on the first day? Plus, next time we won't be running from the cops, so we'll have more time to figure that stuff out!"

"Next time…?" Peridot asked. "You… want to do that again?"

"Well, yeah, duh!" Steven frowned. "Don't… you?"

Peridot pulled her legs closer to her body as her eyes darted around the field, as if she was looking for something. "I… I don't know."

"Oh."

"Steven. That was horrifying. I don't think I was ready for any of that. It was my first time, and… I don't think I was ready for it."

"I see."

Silence. Peridot sighed. "Steven, I'm sorry," she repeated. "I haven't been entirely honest with you. The truth is that… fusion's been on my mind since before the election. We almost fused when we made up a few weeks back."

"Wait, really?"

Peridot nodded. "Since then, I… really wanted to try it. But I don't think I was ready. I'm sorry."

Steven shrugged. "Alright. It's not everyone's thing."

"Thank you for understanding. I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing, Peridot!" Steven laughed and scratched his neck. "It's totally okay."

Peridot and Steven stood up and walked back towards the road. "Which way are we going?" Peridot asked. Steven didn't have time to answer; another police car arrived, sirens blaring, and parked on the shoulder. Two cops got out, one of whom had a loudspeaker. The other one ran to the trunk and pulled out a shotgun.

"Over there. They crashed the car." Speaking now into the loudspeaker, the cop that was originally chasing a fused Steven and Peridot made his demands. "Alright, that's far enough. Step away from the vehicle with your hands up!" He put the loudspeaker down and stared at the wreckage. "Oh, shoot, they might be dead." He looked down at Steven and Peridot, who had approached the police vehicle with their hands up. "Mayor Peridot? What are you doing all the way out here?"

"Uh… You see…"

"You JUST missed the criminal!" Steven lied. "He… She… They got out and ran into the forest! You might still be able to catch them if you book it!"

"Son of a… come on, Dave, we can't let them get away!" The cops thanked Steven and Peridot, grabbed their weapons, and ran into the woods.

One more explosion erupted from the car, and the tree fell over amongst the flames. Peridot let out long exhale. "Well. We should probably get home. Pick a direction and start walking."

"That direction seems good," Steven said, pointing across the highway, where Peridot could see fields of corn and other crops.

"The barn?" Peridot questioned. "We didn't drive THAT far out, did we?"

"Well, Beach City doesn't actually HAVE a police station of its own," Steven explained. "We USED to. But a corruption monster got loose and the station was too damaged to repair. Everything goes through the county jail now, which is a little out of town."

The two crossed the road and slid down the hill, then crossed through a berry bush ("'Member?") and made their way through the corn field, eventually coming out on the other side, finally able to actually see the barn. Peridot and Steven entered the barn quietly, as Lapis was in a hammock nearby, sleeping.

"Sheesh, she really does snore loud," Steven whispered. "Can gems get sleep apnea?"

Peridot shrugged. "What's sleep apnea?"

Lapis snorted, and jolted awake. "Wuh, uh… huh?" she started to fall asleep again, but in doing so leaned too heavily to one side and fell onto the floor, landing with a loud thud. "Ow."

"Evening, Lapis."

Lapis pulled her face up from the floor to stare groggily at Steven and Peridot. "What time is it?"

"Why are you so tired?" Peridot questioned. "Gems don't need sleep in the first place."

Lapis stretched arms, yawning as her bones popped. "I'm sort of used to a schedule now," she said. "Once you start sleeping, you can't get enough of it."

"Can Steven use your hammock?" Peridot asked. "It's late. He needs to rest. And we need to talk."

Lapis gestured to the hammock. "Knock yourself out." Steven himself yawned and nodded. He walked over to the hammock and climbed into it; the last 24 hours had left him exhausted, so he fell asleep almost immediately.

Peridot let out an exasperated sigh. "I've made a horrible mistake. I have a city to run and instead I'm off doing stupid, impulsive things that endanger the lives of the people I love."

"What did you do, kill a guy or something?"

Peridot watched as Steven slept, his chest rising and falling in time with his breathing. "Lapis. I need you to SWEAR you won't talk about this with any of the other Crystal Gems. Not even Connie or Steven. This concerns him, so DEFINITELY don't talk to him about it." Lapis shrugged. "Is that a promise? That was very noncommittal."

"Peridot, I don't even TALK to the other Crystal Gems besides you."

"I fused with Steven," Peridot said quickly. Lapis seemed taken aback.

"Oh, jeez."

"Yeah."

"I didn't think you'd actually do it."

Peridot sighed. "I didn't mean to. I consumed an alcoholic beverage last night and learned the hard way that Gems handle that stuff much, much differently from humans." She glared off to the side and blushed slightly. "That, or I'm a huge lightweight," she muttered. "Anyway, while intoxicated, I coerced Steven into a dance. And then it happened."

"Coerced, huh? That sounds a lot like—"

"I know, I know, and I know you hate talking about that," Peridot said, her eyes shut tightly as she tried to clear her mind. "I wouldn't be talking about this with you if I had someone else to talk to. You're the only one I can trust—and the only one I know with experience in this sort of thing."

"What about Garnet?"

"Garnet set this whole thing up," Peridot said, annoyed. "She knew from day one that I'd been having thoughts about it, and instead of saying something, she nudged us into that direction. Why? I'm not sure. I'm still trying to figure that out. The point is that I can't trust Garnet right now."

"So… was it a bad fusion?"

Peridot blinked and stared at Steven again. "I felt so powerful, Lapis. The entire thing made me realize how weak I really am, but with him, I felt… Like I could conquer the world."

"So… That's good, then?"

"It's bad."

"How is that bad?"

"Do you recall what I said, the day I decided to run for office?" Peridot asked. "Nobody who wants power can be trusted with it. I don't want power," she said. "I want to help people and protect this planet. Power gets in the way of that. And sure, deep down inside, I feel like my life would be easier if I was powerful. But I don't want that.

"That… THING we became, on the other hand... _It_ wanted power. _It_ was power hungry. When we unfused, I could feel _It_ resisting. Like _It_ had a mind of _Its_ own. _It_ didn't want to stop existing. All of my subconscious desires mixed with Steven's impulsiveness and created a monster. In the time the fusion existed, It broke out of jail and stole a car. Which It later destroyed. That's IT."

"It's not sounding like you were together for very long," Lapis observed. "How could you have gotten all of that information so quickly? Do you even know what their NAME was?"

"No, and I don't want to know," Peridot responded. "It's NOT going to come back into existence. Even now, I can feel my body longing for that rush again. I'm not going to give in to that. I have more important things to focus on."

"Like what?"

"I'm the mayor. I have responsibilities, I-I can't be doing this sort of thing anymore. For the last two years, I've been running around getting involved in literally every minuscule 'adventure' this planet has to offer. I've chased cars, I've built drones, I've been attacked by wild animals. I can't do that anymore. I can't get involved in these inane shenanigans that always seem to end in something blowing up. I need to take my job seriously." Peridot turned around and started to walk towards the barn's entrance. "I'm going for a walk. I need to clear my head."

"Wasn't this whole election really just a big power grab?" Lapis questioned. Peridot stopped dead in her tracks.

Was it? She turned her head slightly to address Lapis. "Maybe. That's why that fusion can't be allowed to exist. I'll start using my new position for greedy things. And my legacy will be marred by corruption." She started to walk away again. "Just like Jasper."

* * *

Paul Ryan and Nancy Pelosi met once again in the fused House. "We're ready to hold the Puerto Rico vote, Nancy," Paul said. "What's the hold-up?"

Pelosi sighed. "The referendum turnout was too low. Something doesn't add up."

Ryan leaned against the wall. "Well, we have to have that vote at some point. The American people are waiting on us, and the Senate is ready to debate the bill once we pass it."

"I know. I know." Pelosi strengthened her resolve and stood up. "Alright, then. The Puerto Rico vote will be held in two weeks. No more fooling around. It's time for the United States House of Representatives to prove once and for all that we're finally capable of getting things done."

"Great, because have you SEEN our approval ratings?" Ryan said. "There's no way we're getting re-elected next year unless we can actually get something done."

Pelosi nodded sadly. Their approval ratings were abysmal.

* * *

Tim Hairpiece sat in his study, sipping a glass of wine as he finished drafting his plans.

Everything was falling into place. Nobody would be able to stop him. Two years of building up politicians and watching them fall were about to pay off massively for him and everyone in his field. He was certain of it. The videos of Beach City's drunken mayor were making their rounds on the Internet… But he had much, much bigger plans for Peridot.

She was about to become a ratings success for him.


	10. Chapter 10: Era III

**A/N: A bit early this week since there wasn't a chapter last week.**

 **This chapter refers to events that occurred in Shattered Memberries, my other SU story. It isn't a required read, and this also isn't the first time I've referenced the other story, but it's more overt in this chapter and some things might make a little more sense if you've read it.**

* * *

The Puerto Rico bill, having made it through the Fused House, was moved to the Senate, which had not yet been subject to such a fusion.

Most of the votes had been tallied. Fifty votes Nay, forty-nine votes Yea. Only one vote remained, from Arkansas Senator John McCain, a Republican; many assumed he would vote "Yea", due to the conservative-leaning nature of Hispanic voters. Vice President Jenner would then have to make the tie-breaking final vote; she also was likely to vote in favor of the bill, which would then be sent to the President's desk for him to sign.

McCain approached the center of the room and held his hand out. The room watched with baited breath. Delmarva's senators, both Democrats, were prepared to admit defeat.

Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell spoke up. "Senator McCain?"

McCain thought about it for a moment. Shrugging, he then turned his hand over to display a thumbs-down gesture; "No," he said, before turning and walking back to his seat. The entire room gasped.

The Puerto Rico bill just died.

* * *

"The Johnson Amendment, drafted in secret in 1962 by then-Vice President Lyndon B. Johnson and several high-ranking members of the federal government, including but not limited to Secretary of State Dean Rusk, Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara, National Security Adviser McGeorge Bundy, FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover, and even the President's own brother, Attorney General Robert F. Kennedy, was an off-the-record Constitutional amendment created with one singular purpose: conspiracy."

Peridot sat at her desk and stared at Ronaldo Fryman skeptically as he pointed to documents and photographs he'd pinned to a corkboard. Ronaldo was one of her advisers, recommended to her by Steven because he "says a lot of confusing stuff that probably only politicians understand". He was her "Secretary of Alternative Facts". Also in the room were former Dewey advisers Stan and Jan Thompson, a brother-sister team who'd also served as his campaign managers; James Mathias, an older man who'd previously served in the Delmarva State Senate; Sadie, shift manager at the Big Donut and Peridot's PR manager during the campaign; John Davidson, a teacher at Beach City High; Sean Spicer, a former White House Press Secretary who quit his job under the President to join Peridot's communications team; Lapis Lazuli, her former barnmate/informant/prisoner; and Steven himself. All but Lapis now dressed in formal attire. Suits, ties… pantsuits… Sadie kind of looked like Hillary Clinton with her getup.

Ronaldo continued his spiel. "This amendment states, in part, that either the Vice President, Director of the FBI, or Director of the CIA can have the President of the United States of America—in this case, 35th President John Fitzgerald Kennedy—'removed' from office, should he or she present his or herself as a problem in achieving the administration's goals."

Peridot blinked. "That's not what I asked."

"Huh?"

"I asked what the 'John Kennedy Treatment' was," Peridot clarified. "I don't care about this 'Johnson Amendment'."

"I'm GETTING to that," Ronaldo sighed. He pointed to a picture of John F. Kennedy sitting in the back of a 1961 Lincoln Continental. "This photograph was taken on November 22nd, 1963, just moments before the John Kennedy Treatment was given."

"Okay, but what. Is. The John Kennedy Treatment."

Ronaldo nodded and turned the board around so that the blank side was visible. He then drew the curtains to a close and shut off the lights, leaving the room mostly dark. Finally, he brought out an old projector and turned it on, displaying an image on the board.

"Watch carefully, mayor," Ronaldo said.

Sadie raised an eyebrow. "Ronaldo, is this the Zapruder Film?"

Several in the room rolled their eyes, except for Peridot, Lapis, and Steven, who watched the film intently.

"Hey," Steven laughed, "you know, I didn't know they had color film back the- WHOA!" he shouted, leaning back in his seat and averting his eyes as the film came to an end. "Jeeeeeez!"

Lapis blinked. "I don't get it. Why doesn't he just retreat back into his gem?"

"That," Ronaldo concluded, "is the John Kennedy Treatment."

Peridot frowned and covered her gem with both hands, eyes wide.

"The Johnson Amendment, since then, has only been successfully invoked one other time," Ronaldo commented, "in 1981 by then-Vice President George H. W. Bush."

Sadie glared at Ronaldo. "Successfully? Ronaldo, President Reagan served two full terms and lived to be 93 years old."

Ronaldo narrowed his eyes. "Did he, Sadie? This brings me to my next point; the government's secret cloning program."

Suddenly, the phone on Peridot's desk started ringing. Dropping her hands from her gem, she put the call on speaker so the whole room could listen. "You're through to the Office of the Mayor of Beach City, Delmarva."

"I think you mean Beach City, Maryland," the voice on the other end said. Peridot rolled her eyes.

"Governor Carney, not this again."

"That bill isn't dead yet, Peridot. John McCain can't keep it down forever. We NEED to take action now before Delmarva becomes redundant," Carney argued. Peridot leaned her face against her hand and used her other hand to mockingly mimic the opening and closing of the governor's mouth while he spoke. "I have a plan that can SAVE this state, but we NEED you onboard. Beach City is the state's financial powerhouse, and if you don't help us–"

"Say, Carney, aren't there a bunch of Walmarts in Wilmington?" Peridot said sarcastically. "Maybe you should call the CEO of Walmart and tell him to lobby some Senators."

Beat.

"That's a great idea, Peridot! You just might be onto something!" The governor hung up. Peridot glared at the phone in annoyed silence for several seconds before looking back up at her advisers.

"How's my job approval rating?"

Sadie looked down at a stack of papers she'd been holding. "Well, for somebody who just got elected…" she frowned and looked back up at Peridot, her eyebrows furrowed. "Not good. I mean, you're polling better locally than the Speaker of the House is nationally, at least, but…"

"And the President, right?"

Sadie didn't say anything.

"S-Sadie? I'm polling better than the President, right?"

"Well, the good news is, you have four years before you have to worry about getting re-elected! I-I'm sure we can get those numbers back up!"

Peridot frowned. "What gives? I was under the impression that we just had an election! Which I WON!"

"There was… a low voter turnout."

Peridot leaned back in her chair and sighed. "Alright. I'll bite. Why don't people adore me?"

Lapis hummed. "Hmm. You think it has something to do with that video?"

"...what video?"

Grinning sheepishly, Sadie placed a tablet in front of Peridot, propping it on its stand so she could view comfortably. The device was playing video from the Internet.

" _We can dance if we want to," Peridot drunkenly sang and danced. "We've got all your life and mine. As long as we abuse it," she mumbled past the words she couldn't remember, "eeeeveerything will work out fine—"_

Present Peridot shrank in her seat. "Somebody recorded that, huh?"

"Uh, a major news outlet captured it, ma'am."

Peridot grumbled to herself and crossed her arms. "Of course they did."

Lapis scratched her chin in thought. "I see. So we need to SILENCE the mainstream media. That's where we're going with this, right?"

Stan nodded. "Don't worry, Mayor, we'll get our people right on it!" He glanced at his sister, who also nodded.

"That's right, Mayor," Jan said in a really annoyingly peppy tone. "We'll shut those news organizations right up!"

Peridot glanced around the room. "You're kidding, right? Guys. Guys. We can't just SILENCE the media."

Stan blinked. "But. But they said mean things about you."

"So?" Peridot stood up and paced her desk. "I brought it on myself by getting drunk and acting like an IDIOT at a public event."

Jan shook her head. "No, no, see, you're confused. You are never at fault. Your CRITICS are. The media is the ENEMY of the American people!"

"Says who? The guy that the media doesn't like?" Peridot sighed and leaned against the wall. "Regardless of whether or not that story was politically motivated, the media has the right to do it. It's up to me, as the Mayor, to be the responsible one and not give them a reason to mess with me."

"But… but Fake News."

Peridot sat back in her seat. "Sure, if a news outlet prints outright lies about me, that's a problem. It's not a problem that I can really DO anything about, because again, they're free to do whatever, but that's irrelevant because that video wasn't fabricated. It wasn't even EDITED. That's raw footage. I ACTUALLY did that." She laughed dryly. "I-I mean, I'm the MAYOR. Do you really think I have TIME to be worried about what the news is saying about me? We all know they print sensationalist stories for ratings, and I HATE it, but I can't stoop to that level. What kind of an example would I be setting if I dropped everything I was doing to attack a news organization because they hurt my feelings? The way I see it, if the story's fake, then the story's fake and I shouldn't give them the satisfaction. If the story's real, then I only have myself to blame."

Stan and Jan looked disappointed. "Oh, well, okay," Stan muttered. "Are you sure we can't just threaten the news companies a LITTLE?"

Suddenly, a faint "woosh"ing noise could be heard from outside, and the room shook slightly as the noise was followed by a loud "boom".

"Were those fireworks?" Peridot questioned.

"That didn't sound like it," Steven responded. He and Peridot got up and ran to the window and re-opened the curtains.

In the distance, a streak of fire and smoke shot across the sky. Peridot realized it was something that had just entered the atmosphere, and the noise they heard was a sonic boom.

The object continued until it eventually passed the horizon. A distant crash could be heard as smoke erupted from the landing site.

"Thaaaat's never good," Steven said, worried.

"Why? What was the last thing to enter the atmosphere so dramatically?" Peridot asked.

"You were."

Steven started to run towards the door as Peridot realized exactly what he meant by that.

"Oh, shoot."

She hopped over her desk and, with Lapis, followed Steven out the door.

* * *

Using Greg's van, Pearl, escorted by four county police vehicles, a S.W.A.T. van, and an ambulance, drove Steven, Lapis, and Peridot to the crash site.

"I really hope that isn't what I think it is…" Peridot muttered. "It BETTER not be what I think it is. If they're here for me—!"

Pearl rolled her eyes. "Please. Peridot. Homeworld doesn't CARE about Earth politics, nor do they care that you got involved. It's probably just a satellite, or a weather balloon, something."

"Satellites and weather balloons don't force entry into the atmosphere, _Pearl._ "

"Wow, okay, I really don't like the way you said _Pearl,_ there."

"Here. HERE. Pull up right here!"

Pearl brought the van to a stop. Before it could come to a complete stop, however, Peridot kicked the door open and hopped out, sprinting towards the crash site. Steven and Lapis followed as soon as the car was fully halted, and a rather bored Pearl slowly meandered behind them.

"You know, Pearl," Peridot yelled behind her, "you'd THINK you'd be more concerned about this, since you've had to deal with this exact scenario at LEAST twice before."

"It's a Wednesday, Peridot," Pearl responded. "If something bad happens, it's always on a Thursday. Or across an entire work week, starting on Monday and ending on Friday. Or sometimes on a Friday or Saturday, and once on Memorial Day. But never on a Wednesday by itself."

Peridot stopped in her tracks and stared at the scene in front of her, eyes wide with fear. "Then explain this," she muttered, pointing to the horrifying mess.

In front of the group was an escape pod from a Homeworld ship, sitting in the middle of a crater in the otherwise open field. Dark smoke billowed from the pod; it appeared to have taken a lot of damage while entering the atmosphere, or perhaps upon its landing.

Pearl stopped as well once she caught up to Peridot and summoned her spear. "Oh, no."

Peridot slowly approached the escape pod as several cops surrounded the area. Not that their weak projectile weapons would do any good, but still. It helped to look intimidating. Steven summoned his shield and placed himself at Peridot's side, ready to jump to her defense should the occupant attack. Lapis stood to Peridot's other side. She'd… figure something out. There wasn't a whole lot of water nearby.

"Okay, you two," Peridot whispered. "Let's take it slow."

Pearl looked annoyed. "I'm here, too," she whispered back.

"Oh, are you, Pearl? I'm sorry, I thought I was being paranoid!" Peridot said in a snarky, hushed tone.

"Guys, this isn't the time for that," Steven whispered. "You can argue about how Pearl was wrong AFTER this."

"Fine," both gems said simultaneously. Pearl blinked, realizing too late what she'd just agreed to. "Wait-"

Peridot slid down the side of the crater and approached the escape pod. Steven, Lapis, and Pearl followed. She felt along the sides of the pod, which was hot to the touch. Obviously. She'd like to believe that whoever was in there died on impact, but it wasn't like this was a Martian ship. The Martians practiced rather shoddy craftsmanship and, like humans, were fleshy and vulnerable. This was a Homeworld ship. Not only was the occupant probably invulnerable to most forms of blunt-force trauma, she probably didn't even feel the impact of hitting the ground. That's how well-designed Homeworld's escape pods were.

Haha. Just kidding. Can you imagine? Peridot recognized this as a Roswell Rover, the most basic escape pod deployed by Homeworld ships usually reserved for the lower-ranking gems. Imagine a Ford Pinto, but even more explosive. The only reason this hunk of junk was in one piece was because the overshield—which has a 45% failure rate—happened to activate on impact. But hey, at least they GOT escape pods. If this gem had been just a little bit lower on that career ladder...

Despite holding out during the impact, the shield had failed shortly afterwards. Homeworld craftsmanship at its finest.

Sighing, Peridot took a step back. "Well, it won't open from the outside. The occupant must have activated the isomorphic lock."

Steven nodded. "Isomorphic. Just like the old SimCity games."

"So what are we going to do?" Lapis asked. If they couldn't get in, then the only thing to do was to wait for the occupant to leave, which could take literally forever.

Peridot picked up a nearby rock. "We're going to chuck rocks at it until the windshield breaks." She then chucked the rock at the glass. Pearl rolled her eyes as Peridot kept throwing rocks.

"Peridot, PLEASE. Surely YOU of all people would know that a Homeworld escape pod meant for space travel would have a front windscreen suited to withstand—" The glass cracked. Pearl didn't seem amused at all. "Okay. Sure. Throw rocks at it."

Peridot and her friends spent the next five minutes throwing rocks at a goddamn spaceship.

* * *

Meanwhile, back in town, Peridot's advising team was busy trying to make sure the citizens didn't freak out over what was potentially ANOTHER alien invasion. A crowd comprised of just about every citizen of Beach City sat in front of City Hall and rabbled relentlessly and fearfully. Sadie wiped a sweat drop from her forehead and approached the podium.

"Uh, h-hi, everyone!" she said, nervously. "I know you're all, uh, really worried about what's going on, but don't be!"

"Why not?" Vidalia asked from within the crowd. "Last time something like this happened, we all had to evacuate!"

Sadie tried to put on a smile. "I- uh, well, last time this happened, Peridot came! And, uh, now she's the mayor, and she has it under control!"

Sean Spicer approached the podium. "Don't worry, Sadie. I've got this."

"You're sure?"

"I'm an expert at this sort of thing. Believe me."

Sadie shrugged and let Spicer take the stand. He straightened his tie and cleared his throat, ready to reassure the citizens of Beach City. "Under no circumstances are you all to believe that we need to evacuate," Spicer commanded. "If it truly is an alien invasion, there is literally nowhere we can hide and we're all dead and to suggest otherwise is giving in to the Fake News agenda. Mayor Peridot has everything under control. She has to, because if she doesn't, every single one of you will be vaporized by an alien death ray."

Sadie's eyes widened with panic. "Sean, what are you doing?!"

"Furthermore, there's no evidence to even suggest that outer space even exists," Spicer continued. "So if outer space doesn't exist, tell me this; where did the aliens come from?"

Sadie laughed nervously and stepped back up to the podium. "Uh, h-he's just kidding, everyone."

"I wouldn't joke about something like this," Spicer corrected. "The fact of the matter is that space travel hasn't been invented yet. Therefore, an alien invasion cannot take place, and you all have nothing to fear but fear itself. And zombies. Definitely zombies.

"Regardless, you all need to trust that our Mayor is doing everything in her power to keep Beach City safe," Spicer continued. "Over fifty TRILLION people voted for Peridot, so I think we all know she's capable of dealing with whatever's going on right now."

Stan and Jan stepped forward as well. "Yeah!" Stan yelled. "All of the news organizations who keep saying aliens are a threat to us are LIARS!"

Ronaldo glared at the others on his team. "This is OBVIOUSLY a cover-up for something much bigger!"

"Ronaldo, you're supposed to be on OUR side."

"Was Kennedy's administration on HIS side?" Ronaldo questioned.

Sadie buried her face in her hands. This office was a _mess_ and it was now becoming apparent that Peridot had no idea how to pick out a staff. Nobody could agree on anything and in-fighting was going to destroy City Hall. Sadie was even beginning to question the wiseness of her own appointment.

If things didn't change soon, Beach City was in trouble.

* * *

Peridot, Pearl, Lapis, and Steven continued to throw rocks at the escape pod. Several police officers had even joined in, and the paramedics that came in the ambulance we're looking for their own rocks to chuck. Suddenly, the top of the escape pod began to open.

Steven pointed this out. "Look, it's opening!" A police officer—one Peridot and Steven recognized from their little excursion two weeks ago—drew his weapon. Both Steven and Peridot stepped back.

"Put that down!" Peridot yelled.

"Yeah, seriously!" Steven agreed.

"You're too trigger happy, jeez!"

Pearl shot the two a confused glance. "Well, jeez, you only had to tell him once."

The capsule finished opening, dark smoke dramatically leaving the entrance and obscuring the occupant from our heroes. Curious, Peridot leaned in—and was attacked!

Something jumped out of the capsule and pinned Peridot down. "By order of the Great Diamond Authority, I demand you leave my vessel at once so that I may repair it and escape from this pathetic rock!" The cops all raised their weapons as the newcomer placed a finger to her chin in thought. "Hmm, actually, I'm not sure where I landed. The natives might not even speak Universal Basic." The gem glared back down at Peridot and began shouting again. "¡Por orden de la Gran Autoridad del Diamante, le pido que deje mi barco inmediatamente para que pueda repararlo y escapar de esta patética roca!"

Steven stared in amazement. "Wow. I didn't know Gems spoke French!"

Pearl blinked. "We don't," she said, slightly surprised.

The intruder continued to shout commands at Peridot. "Idaina daiyamondo ōsoriti no meirei de, sugu ni watashi no fune o dete, shūri shite kono awarena iwa kara nogareru koto o negaimasu!" Suddenly, she stopped, and raised an eyebrow. She eyed Peridot's hair, gem, and clothing. "Holy crap. It's–"

"Another Peridot!" both Peridots shouted simultaneously. Indeed, as if trapped in a Disney Channel movie starring Lindsay Lohan, Peridot presently found herself being awkwardly straddled by… herself.

Or, someone who looked like her, anyway. That's not to say all Peridots look the same. That's racist. But they looked similar, with a few key differences. This new Peridot was definitely a few inches taller than ours. Her jumpsuit also extended to her wrists, and her hair…

Well, the hair was the same. Our Peridot's hair seems a bit more frayed at the ends nowadays, compared to when she first arrived on Earth with much neater hair. The newcomer's hair was, similarly, much straighter.

Peridot grinned up at the new Peridot. "Well he-lloo good looking," she said suggestively, her blatant narcissism unnerving her friends ever so slightly.

New Peridot stepped off of Mayor Peridot and reached out a hand, smirking as she pulled the Mayor up. "Thank the heavens, you're one of the good guys," she said. "I must admit, I feared I'd be alone in dealing with the native population. I assume they're absolutely BARBARIC. No clean way to deal with them, I'm afraid, but with the two of us, we can outsmart them long enough for me to finish my ship."

Mayor Peridot glanced at New Peridot's ship. "Yeah. No way. That thing's busted."

"Oh, don't be so pessimistic, comrade. Sure, it seems that way, but…" New Peridot trailed off as her ship bursted into flames. "Ah. Figures. No matter! You and I can build a new one!" she turned around and pointed at Steven. "You there! Native!" She then spoke incredibly slowly, loudly, and simplistically as if Steven had a learning disability. "Me need. Spaceship parts! You get. I pay, big big shiny! Understand? You get. I pay. Very shiny! Muchos pesos! Comprende amigo?"

Steven shrugged. "Uh, we can take you to a Home Depot, I guess."

Mayor Peridot grabbed New Peridot's shoulders and started to lead her back to the van. "Why don't I take you to my office? We can talk a little bit more about what you're doing here when we get there."

"You've established a headquarters on Earth?" New Peridot asked.

Peridot chuckled condescendingly. "Who do you think their Mayor is?" she asked, patting herself on the back a little too hard.

New Peridot was astounded. "You've ascended to a leadership position among the natives?"

"Of course I have!" Peridot said. "After all…"

"Nobody is more qualified to lead than a Peridot!" both Peridots said simultaneously. New Peridot laughed.

"Wow, wait until Our Diamond hears about THIS!" she said.

Peridot hushed her. "Ooh, yeah, no, let's try and keep that on the DL for right now, comprende amigo?"

"Pardon?" New Peridot questioned. "For what purpose?"

Peridot sighed. "I'll explain when we get back to my office." Pearl grabbed her and pulled her aside.

"Peridot, what are you THINKING?" she whispered. "We can't trust HER! She's with Homeworld!"

"Hey, cool it, Pearl, I've got this under control!" Peridot barked back. "Her ship is destroyed, so she's not going anywhere. Might as well keep an eye on her. Besides…" she trailed off, glancing back at New Peridot. "Maybe… we can bring her over to our side."

It was at this point that New Peridot finally noticed the other two gems in the vicinity. "You even have your own PEARL?!" New Peridot exclaimed excitedly. "How did you manage THAT?!"

Pearl glared at New Peridot. "Yeah, I don't like her."

Peridot groaned. "Just be nice, for like, two seconds! I know. That's hard for you. You hate new people for some reason. Greg told me all about it, but right now is NOT the time! Okay?"

Pearl glared at New Peridot again. "Fine," she conceded. "But I'm not pretending to be your slave just so you can impress someone who's going to try and kill us later anyway."

"Pearl. I respect you. I would NEVER treat you like a slave," Peridot said compassionately. "Now drive us back home," she commanded.

Pearl rolled her eyes and went on ahead to the van.

"So, what was your mission here?" New Peridot asked Mayor Peridot.

"Well, let me tell you, I get around!"

"You sure do," Lapis said, slightly disparagingly.

"My primary mission here was to oversee the emergence of the Cluster," Peridot continued.

"How did that go?" New Peridot asked, looking around and now seeming slightly nervous. "Is it… close?"

"Oh, no, no, no," Peridot assured her. "Steven and I traveled to the center of the planet and prevented it from taking form!"

New Peridot looked incredibly confused. " _Why?_ "

Peridot realized she may have screwed up by telling the newcomer that and waved it off. "Oh, that's… it's a long story. What about you? Why are YOU here?"

New Peridot chuckled. "Heh. That's ALSO a long story."

"It's a half-hour drive back into town," Peridot replied. "Might as well tell it."

New Peridot shrugged as the group approached the van. "Might as well."

* * *

My full designation is Peridot, Era III, Cut 7. Full stop. My designation, as I've been made aware, is different from others, due in part to the circumstances of my creation. I emerged from the Kindergarten one Homeworld Year ago—that's eleven Earth months, in case any of the natives were wondering. For the sake of clarity, and because you evidently have been on Earth for so long, I'll refer to things in Earth Time, though I'm not happy about it.

As I'm sure you know, resources on Homeworld are scarce. I was one of only twelve; consequently, we were given more development priority than the last batch, which has led to us being given the designation "Era III".

I have no assigned Facet number because each Era III was grown in a specialized location, usually separate from the others. As such, you are the first Peridot I have properly spoken to outside of myself. I've seen others, but… well, I'll get to that.

We were each given a specialized mission by Our Diamond, who so graciously allowed us to report to her directly, instead of an underling. My mission involved Earth matters directly.

Seven months ago, I was told that Our Diamond had managed to install a puppet at the head of Earth's government. Why, I never asked, because it wasn't my place to question, but personally, I believe our efforts would have been better placed elsewhere. Regardless, the Great Diamond Authority had, for the first time in many millennia, established some semblance of a colony on Earth.

Our Diamond regularly spoke to a native known as "Steve." Steve had, evidently, just pushed a rather idiotic and easy to control human to the forefront of this planet's politics. I had the… ugh… privilege of witnessing one of these conversations.

I am forever devoted to Our Diamond. Her graciousness and generosity is unparalleled, and I'd sooner see myself shattered than betray her trust. But this human she spoke to… he was something else. I didn't like him.

I was to report to Yellow Diamond upon completion of some mundane paperwork I was given. At the time, I must admit, I was a little disappointed. It seemed like the other Era IIIs were doing much more important things. Regardless, I completed the job as I was instructed and reported to her chamber. There, I walked in on a conversation she was having with Steve.

Her Pearl was standing in front of a communicator. The holographic display showed several humans, one of whom I'd guessed was Steve.

"This is the Yellow Diamond control room," Pearl greeted. "Who authorized you to make this call?"

"Stuff it, Pearl," Steve scowled. "Stick your pointy nose up the blue one's ass, I have important things to discuss with IMPORTANT people."

Pearl looked slightly offended. "I… My Diamond, the President of the United States wishes to speak with you."

One other man in the image raised an eyebrow. "I'm the President."

Steve blinked. "Yeah. Sure you are."

Our Diamond maneuvered the communicator to focus on her. "Greetings. It's a pleasure to speak with you again."

"The pleasure is all mine, My Diamond," Steve rasped, saluting Yellow.

Realizing that maybe the conversation wasn't something I should be eavesdropping on, I took my leave. Evidently, she saw me.

I walked around the corner a few times so that, when she eventually finished the call, it would appear as if I'd just arrived. She wasn't fooled, however, as after the call was finished, Her Pearl exited the room and waited for me to round the corner one more time.

"Her Excellency wishes to discuss what you just saw," Pearl said. I must admit, I was nervous. I thought my gem was on the line, for sure. Despite this, I entered the room, where I became increasingly aware that the Pearl had not followed me. I was all alone with Yellow Diamond.

Her Excellency sat with her back to the door. "Do you know what happens to Gems who get curious?" she said, without turning to face me. I swallowed, terrified.

"I- I- please, forgive me, My Diamond," I managed to choke out, saluting her but keeping my eyes shut. "I meant no disrespect, I- I- I just happened to walk in, a-and-"

"Answer my question," she commanded, her tone devoid of all emotion.

"I… truth be told, My Diamond, I- I don't know what happens to Gems who get curious," I admitted. "I- I finished that paperwork you needed! I- I'm not sure why you needed me to write a report on talking berries, b- but-"

Our Diamond clenched a fist, but still wouldn't face me. "When Gems get curious," she interrupted, "they betray me." Finally, she turned her head and glared at me. "Are you going to betray me, Peridot?"

My eyes widened with fear. "N-no! No, no, no, My Diamond, please, I would never even DREAM of—!"

She chuckled, and turned her head away from me again. "At ease, Peridot. I am simply teasing."

My eyes remained wide as I wiped tears from my eyes. "Oh. Y-yes, of course, My Diamond. Hah. Haha. That is… it's very funny." I swallowed again. "Um, so about that paperwork—"

"Something very special is about to happen," Our Diamond said. "You've read the classified, forbidden files on the rebellion, haven't you?"

"I- I'm sorry. I was curious."

"Then you'll know that the Crystal Gems remain on Earth."

"Yes, My Diamond."

Yellow Diamond sighed. "They won't for much longer," she said, chuckling again. "I'm sure you read the file on the Corrupting Light?"

Our Diamond spent the next ten minutes explaining to me the deal she'd made with the human, which involved launching a new version of the Corrupting Light. In return, she helped ensure that human maintained his position in Earth's government—somehow. I wasn't sure on the specifics, it seemed pretty convoluted to me, but REGARDLESS, she assured me that all of Homeworld's problems would be dealt with once and for all.

Except they weren't.

One month later, I was called back to meet with Our Diamond; only, this time, she wasn't very happy.

She was _furious_.

Evidently, her deal fell through. Steve had been killed, betrayed by his own President. The Corrupting Light? Deactivated. Her plan? Ruined. I wasn't the only Peridot in the room, however. Hundreds of others, mostly Era IIs, were there as well.

I stood at Yellow Diamond's side. The others stood in front of her. I would find out why in a moment.

"You're likely wondering why I've called you from your respective missions," Our Diamond began. "It's quite simple, really. For the last few months, I've been working to move our empire forward, and finally squash a group of pests we'd been dealing with for quite some time.

"Unfortunately, my plans have been ruined for the time being. A major blow has been dealt to us by one single individual."

She explained what happened. Somebody on Earth had destroyed her operation from the inside out, and turned the President to the side of the Crystal Gems. Everything was ruined.

"The perpetrator?" Our Diamond concluded. " _A Peridot._ "

The Peridots in the room all gasped. Who could do such a thing? I stared up at Our Diamond in horror.

"As was the case with Rose Quartz," Yellow said dramatically, "if one of you is a traitor…" She glared down at the crowd. " _You're all traitors_."

I watched as Our Diamond, in a fit of uncontrollable rage, destroyed and shattered the Peridots. Every. Single. Peridot. Slaughtered. I watched her kill them all. Every Era II. Gone. Finally, only I was left standing. She turned her attention to me. I thought I was a goner, until…

"They were a bad bunch. Defective," Our Diamond said, calming down. "You? You came from a good bunch. Don't let me down, Peridot. Don't be like your _worthless_ predecessors."

* * *

Mayor Peridot sat in the van, listening, horrified. She was… she was the last Era II Peridot. Everyone else who was like her was… dead. Shattered. Yellow Diamond killed them all.

"It was then that she revealed to me my true purpose," the Era III continued. "With that, I was sent to orbit Earth in a small spacecraft, where I've spent the last few months, simply observing the natives through satellite imagery.

"Hours ago, my ship malfunctioned due to a small EMP blast let out by a rocket launched by a group of humans on what they call the Korean Peninsula, which later landed in the Sea of Japan." The Era III leaned back in her seat and sighed. "My escape pod crashed here, and… that's where you met me."

Peridot blinked, slowly, trying to comprehend what she'd been told. "The… the others are really all… dead?"

The other Peridot nodded sadly. "I'm assuming you're an Era II? You're one of the only ones left. I guess you got lucky, being here on Earth when the whole thing went down."

Peridot shuddered. That was… terrible. And it happened because of her. SHE was the one who destroyed Steve Bannon's operation all those months ago. SHE was the one who ruined Yellow Diamond's plans.

SHE was the one who got those other Peridots killed.

...wait. One of. New Peridot said our Peridot was "one of" the only Era IIs left. ...who was the other?

"Say, uh, Peridot," Mayor Peridot said, slowly. "...what's your mission, again?"

New Peridot perked up. "Oh, I totally forgot why I was telling that story!" she said, laughing. "Alright, I'm focused again. So. My true mission. I was sent to observe Earth… because Yellow Diamond wanted me to find the Peridot who betrayed her."

Peridot's eyes widened as New Peridot continued. Suddenly, she felt far less safe.

"She wanted me to find that Peridot…" New Peridot clenched her fist and summoned a weapon; something Era IIIs could evidently do. The weapon in question was a hand-mounted drill, which looked to be the perfect size for shattering. "...and kill her."

Peridot, Lapis, and Steven, who all sat in the back with their guest, stared fearfully at New Peridot. Pearl, who was driving with the window down, didn't hear what she'd said over the wind.

New Peridot smiled cheerfully and dismissed her weapon, then put her arm around our Peridot. "But hey! With the two of us doing the heavy lifting, we'll be able to find that traitor in no time, eh, pal? So! Where should we start looking?"

Mayor Peridot didn't know how to answer.


	11. Chapter 11: House of Cards

Peridot paced her office, which was occupied only by herself and Lapis. Era III was in the other room, meeting with Steven and the rest of Peridot's staff, while Pearl convened with the Crystal Gems back at the temple to try and figure out what the hell was going on.

"Lapis," Peridot said, "I'm really stressed out right now."

"Understandable."

"Lapis. Look. Look at this." Peridot held up a small hair in front of Lapis's face.

"A hair," Lapis pointed out, confused. "Nice. Why are you showing me this?"

"A GRAY hair, Lapis!" Peridot yelled. "We don't age. And I'm turning gray. What is this?! Why?!"

Lapis leaned against the wall and shrugged. "What, did you think this was going to be a cakewalk?"

"Yes!" Peridot responded. "This is so much harder than I thought it would be. The Mayorship is a killing job, Lapis, I don't know how Dewey was able to do it! Oh, God, I feel sick. Lapis, I think I'm sick. Look up these symptoms for me, will you?"

Sitting down at Peridot's desk, Lapis used the mayor's laptop to log onto WebMD. "Alright, shoot."

"I'm sick to my stomach."

"Uh huh."

"I'm having anxiety attacks and sometimes I want to kill everyone around me, but other times I don't want anyone to leave me."

Lapis continued typing, albeit like an old grandmother who was just using a computer for the first time, one letter, one finger at a time. "Mood swings… got it."

"For the first time ever, I want to just fall asleep and never wake up."

"Oh, hey, same!"

"Lapis!"

Lapis sighed. "Alright. Uh… depressive incidents. ...I think we've got something."

"What do I have?"

"According to this website, you're pregnant."

Peridot stared at Lapis with extremely wide eyes. "What."

"Or it could just be you're cracking under the extreme stress and—"

Peridot started screaming.

In the next room, Steven and Era III listened to Peridot's continued screams.

"What's her problem?" Era III questioned, looking at all of the others in the room for answers.

Sadie laughed nervously. "Oh, uh, you know… stuff."

Era III shook her head. "Whatever. I don't have time for this. I MUST return to my mission, Yellow Diamond is eagerly awaiting my return and I can't go back until I've disposed of the traitor."

Steven glanced back at the door leading into the other room. "Well, hey, listen, Buzz—"

"Buzz?"

The boy shrugged. "It's my new nickname for you! You know, because you're… You're a space guy, and… You don't really know how things work on Earth."

Era III sighed and approached Steven. "Listen. Stewie. Can I call you Stewie?"

"Steven."

"Stephan. Listen. Your Peridot is, quite frankly, a relic. Okay? Era IIs, they… well, there's a reason Yellow Diamond was able to destroy them all so easily. She's so OLD and outdated, so I can understand why you've come to the conclusion that our leaders back on our home planet know nothing of the affairs on Earth.

"But we know more, now," Era III continued. "I'm sure you love your Peridot very much. Why, I'm not sure, emotions are, quite frankly, a weakness, and I'm still trying to piece together why she's befriended so many humans. But you have to face facts. She's not a representation of Homeworld, anymore. So please, quit treating me like her. Because we're nothing alike. Okay?"

Steven frowned. "Well, alright. But, uh, I don't think she's outdated. Family never becomes outdated."

"Oh, that's cute. You think she's family. Stamper—"

"Steven."

"—listen. If I were you, I'd let go of your attachments. She's here for the same reason I am—to complete a mission. And once that mission is complete… she has to come back home."

Steven was getting the sense that Era III had no idea what she was talking about. But he couldn't let her in on it, either, because then it would become apparent that his Peridot is the traitor Homeworld is after. BUT, Era III couldn't leave until the traitor had been killed. So they were stuck in limbo.

"Uh, listen, Buzz," Steven said. "Finding that traitor might take a little while. Why don't I show you around town, since you're gonna be on Earth for a while."

Era III shrugged. "I suppose it couldn't hurt."

As they walked out, Steven stepped aside and whispered to Sadie. "Psst! She wants to kill Peridot! Don't talk about the Crystal Gems around her, alright?"

Sadie blinked. "I never talk about the Crystal Gems?"

"That's the spirit! Thanks, Sadie, you're the best."

Steven and Era III walked out of City Hall. Sadie sighed and leaned against the wall, arms crossed. "Dude. Running a city _blows_."

Jan laughed. "Oh, sweetie, you have no idea. This has been my life for nearly thirty years."

"Wow," Sadie replied. "You're OLD."

* * *

Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl paced the temple's front room, discussing and debating how to proceed with the recent turn of events. "Okay," Pearl said. "So _I_ think we should just bubble the new Peridot and be done with it. I don't think anything good can come from keeping her around."

Garnet shook her head. "We have to give her a shot. She could be a useful ally."

"Right, but that's implying we can MAKE her into an ally," Pearl retorted, crossing her arms.

"OG Peridot seemed impossible at first," Amethyst reminded Pearl. "But she's on our side now. So who's to say we can't get Peridos to join?"

"Peridos?"

"It's my new nickname for her."

"Amethyst is right," Garnet said. "We lent Peridot out trust, and now she's a vital member of our team."

"Vital… yeah, okay," Pearl chuckled.

Amethyst frowned. "Just because you're racist against Peridots or something—"

"OBJECTIVELY speaking, Peridot doesn't do much," Pearl defended. "I'm HAPPY she's with us, but saying she's a 'vital' addition is a little over the top."

"That's not what we're here to discuss," Garnet corrected. "I think we should let Peridot, Steven, and Lapis try and bring the new Peridot over to our side."

"But she doesn't even KNOW that 'our side' is a side that exists!" Pearl argued. "And the second she finds out—"

They heard the door open. Peridot—OG Peridot—ran into the room. "You three! You can fix this! I need your help."

"What is it?" Garnet asked, taking note of the urgency in Peridot's voice.

"Uh… so… how did Rose Quartz become Steven?"

The other three were confused. "Excuse me?" Pearl asked for clarification. "She gave up her physical form to—"

"Right, right, right, but you three said that Steven is also part of Greg," Peridot interrupted. "So, like, how does THAT work?"

Garnet and Pearl just stared at each other awkwardly. Amethyst started laughing. "Oh, man! Hey, yeah, guys," she teased, elbowing her teammates. "How does that work? Wanna explain it to her?"

Pearl tapped her fingers together as she pieced together, in her mind, the best way to explain this. "Alright. Uh… so, humans are made much… differently from Gems. Uh… Oh, jeez." She glared at Amethyst, who continued to laugh her butt off. "You see… Rose and Greg were… uh, in love."

"Love?"

"They felt very strongly about each other. A-anyway, when two HUMANS fall in love, sometimes, they… uh… share an intimate moment. Usually in a bedroom they share—"

"Or in the back seat of a car!" Amethyst yelled, still holding back laughter.

"Amethyst! Anyway, once this intimate moment is finished, the man—"

"Sometimes it's a motel room! Sometimes it's a hot tub! Sometimes—"

" _Amethyst!"_ Pearl scolded. "Enough! Anyway, they have an intimate encounter and—"

"Is it like fusion?" Peridot asked, nervously.

"Uh… Well, yes, actually, I suppose, in a way, it can be compared to—"

"AHHHH!" Peridot screamed, really loudly. "WHAT?!"

"Peridot, what's wrong?" Pearl asked, confused.

"STEVEN GOT ME PREGNANT!"

All three Crystal Gems completely froze. Amethyst's mirthful expression was exchanged for a mortified one. Garnet and Pearl also looked horrified.

"So… So how do we fix it?" Peridot asked. Instead of a verbal response, however, she found herself pinned against the wall by all three of the Crystal Gems. "Ack! Okay, uh—"

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO STEVEN?!" Pearl shouted.

"GUYS, guys, I know this looks pretty bad, but let's think about this logically for a moment!" Peridot said quickly, struggling to speak through the grip Garnet had on her throat. "When you really think about it, I'm the VICTIM here!"

" _HE'S FOURTEEN!"_ Garnet shouted.

"God, you are SUCH a Turd Sandwich!" Amethyst said, also shouting.

"WHY ARE WE YELLING!" Peridot shouted back. "Okay. Okay. Look. I screwed up. I know, I'm sorry, but— but— GARNET encouraged us to do it!"

Pearl shot a puzzled, furious look at Garnet. "You did _what_?!"

"I don't know what she's talking about!"

"Yeah!" Peridot yelled. "Yeah, you do! You kept setting us up, and you left us alone, and… and… Look, why are you guys so mad? AMETHYST did it with him WAAAAAAY before I did."

"WHAT?!" Garnet and Pearl shouted, dropping Peridot and turning their attention to Amethyst, a mortified expression still on her face.

"I- I have NO idea what she's talking about."

Peridot pointed at Amethyst. "You, me, and Connie, we're all in the same boat!"

Pearl looked puzzled, now. "Connie, too? Wait a second…" Groaning, Pearl smacked her forehead with her palm and closed her eyes. "Peridot. Did you _fuse_ with Steven?"

Peridot, having been dropped back to the floor, curled up into a ball and stared fearfully up at the Crystal Gems. "Y-yes," she nodded. She suddenly felt very ashamed. "I-I'm sorry, I didn't- I didn't know you didn't want me to…" she trailed off, noticing that Garnet was holding out a hand. Peridot, though apprehensive, slowly grabbed the hand and was pulled up onto her feet.

"Peridot. You aren't pregnant," Garnet said after a long pause.

"I'm not?"

"No, you're not," Pearl sighed. "We thought you were talking about… uh, something else. I'm sorry we attacked you."

Peridot sighed. "No, _I'm_ sorry. Regardless of whether or not I did what you thought I did, I still sort of coerced Steven. And then I tried to hide it from you three, because… I don't know. This election's made me paranoid. I felt like I couldn't trust anyone… not even the people closest to me. And now things are a lot worse and a lot scarier than I could have imagined, and I don't know how to fix it. I really am a Turd Sandwich."

"Be that as it may," Pearl said, glancing at the other two, "you're still part of the team. And you're family. And although we aren't THRILLED that you kept this a secret from us, the reality is that we're excited it happened."

"You shouldn't be," Peridot muttered. "I got drunk and made a complete fool of myself. Then I forced Steven to dance with me. Then we fused. Nothing about it was pleasant."

Pearl shrugged. "It can't have been too unpleasant for him, otherwise he'd have said something. Not every first experience is great. It happens. Next time will be better—"

Amethyst cut her off. "Whoa. Whoa. Hold on. You got _drunk_?" She glanced up at Pearl and Garnet, before returning a puzzled gaze to Peeidot. "Peridot. We don't GET drunk."

"What?"

"Believe me, I've TRIED," Amethyst continued. "But it just ISN'T possible. I dunno what it is, maybe our bodies burn the alcohol off faster than we can take it in, maybe we just don't retain any of it, maybe it's some weird magic thing. The bottom line is that you could have chugged a KEG—again, I've tried—and wouldn't feel a thing. So how were you able to get hammered?"

Peridot thought about it. "I… maybe I'm a lightweight?"

Amethyst chuckled. "You would have to be one hell of a lightweight. No, something else happened."

Peridot furrowed her eyebrows and thought some more, her eyes darting around the room. "So that glass of wine shouldn't have affected me."

"Peridot. You could have gotten a pool full of liquor and DIVED in it, and you'd have come out just fine."

Pearl got to thinking too. "Alcohol doesn't affect us? It makes sense, but I've never really thought about it."

Peridot tried her hardest to piece together what actually happened, but nothing came to mind. If the alcohol wasn't what made her act so stupid, what was it?

Pearl shook her head, however, and Peridot's thoughts were interrupted. "I suppose at this point it doesn't matter what ACTUALLY happened," she said. "We have bigger problems to worry about."

"I think I'm 'in love' with Steven," Peridot said. "Whatever that means. Is that a problem?"

All three Crystal Gems were silent for a moment. "Yes," Garnet responded when nobody else would. "But we'll deal with that later."

Pearl nodded. "You have a city to run, and you haven't been doing a very good job."

"What do you mean?"

"So far you've been focusing on vanity projects!" Pearl chuckled. "There's more to running a city than making speeches to the Boy Scouts."

Peridot glared and put her hands on her hips. "I'll have you know the President of the Boy Scouts called me to tell me that was the greatest speech he'd ever seen!"

"Speaking of phone calls," Garnet said, before she was interrupted by a MIDI of "Cake by the Ocean". Everyone stared at Peridot as she slowly retrieved a smartphone she'd been given after taking office.

"What?" Peridot asked upon realizing everyone was staring. "I like this song." She tapped the screen and put the call on speaker. "This is the Mayor of Beach City speaking."

"Mayor Sandwich?" a familiar, southern voice responded. "This is the President."

"President Douche?" Peridot responded, slightly surprised.

Pearl raised an eyebrow. "What does he want?"

"Is this line secure?"

Peridot blinked. "It's an iPhone."

"Good enough." The President sighed. "Peridot, when I called you after the election, you told me that those Crystal Gems weren't involved. So do you mind explaining to me why the hell I'm getting phone calls from the FBI, the CIA, and the Kremlin about a spaceship landing over there?"

Peridot paced the room as she spoke. "Things changed. A Homeworld vessel crash landed in Sussex County."

"Your home planet?" the President asked. "Oh, jeez, I bet they're real pissed off that I didn't do what they wanted, huh?"

"Don't worry, Mr. President. They're not coming for you. They're coming for me."

"Roger that. I'm sending a Secret Service team to Beach City now."

Peridot quickly protested. "Mr. President, with all due respect, I think I can take care of myself. Also, let's be honest here. If Homeworld wants me dead, your entire military wouldn't be enough to stop them."

"Peridot, as much as I'd rather not deal with the Crystal Gems," the President explained, "their presence on Earth is just about the only deterrence we have against a full-scale alien invasion, okay?" Peridot rolled her eyes, knowing full well that, on the other end, the President was doing that weird thing with his hands. You know the one. She kept listening, however. "Frankly, the whole thing's a total disaster. It's so bad. And they can't BE deterrence if they're dead."

Peridot glared at her phone. "Listen here, Douche. My friends are more than just a secret weapon for your government. So if that's the only reason you're sending your people, forget it. Besides. The threat is mostly… ah, non-threatening right now. She doesn't know I'm the one Homeworld wants dead."

"Okay. Alright." Peridot heard a groan on the other end. "Oh, jeez. Okay, listen to me, Peridot. The Senate is revising and bringing back that Puerto Rico bill very, very soon."

"Why does everyone CARE so much about that bill?" Peridot asked, more to herself than the person on the other end.

"You don't know? Peridot, if that bill passes, Delmarva loses its statehood. It's the only way to maintain the 50-state status quo."

"So?"

"Your Governor had a deal with the previous mayor," the President explained. "As it turns out, the last administration pushed for Dewey's election back in 2009. Shortly after taking office, President Obama was made aware of the existence of the Gems after what was known internally as the Sussex Affair."

Pearl crossed her arms and scoffed. "The media GROSSLY over-exaggerated that incident. The collateral damage done to the children's hospital was NOT that bad."

"Having come to the same realization I did, that the Crystal Gems were our only line of defense in a situation like that, he did some snooping around and declassified some documents. U.S. Presidents have had run-ins with the Crystal Gems since this country was founded, but nobody could ever figure out exactly where their headquarters were. In 2007, President Bush quietly enacted Operation Crystal Patriot, a plan which used data collected by the NSA and CIA to pinpoint their location somewhere in Delmarva."

Peridot was getting impatient. "Yes, yes, I know where we're located, you don't have to tell me that. How does this pertain to what's going on RIGHT NOW?"

"The Bush Administration planned to take out the Crystal Gems on a classified mission in December 2008, but they weren't able to finalize the details in time. President-Elect Obama was inaugurated the next month, and after the Sussex Affair, he contacted Bill Dewey, who at the time was running for his first term as Beach City's Mayor. The President, whose approval rating at the time was pretty high, agreed to publicly endorse Dewey, essentially guaranteeing him the election, under the condition that Dewey was to use the city's economic leverage to convince the Governor of Delmarva, at the time a Democrat named Jack Markell, to resist all attempts by the state government to get rid of the Crystal Gems. This deal carried over when Governor Carney took office earlier this year."

Pearl raised an eyebrow. "Dewey's been protecting us for the last eight years?"

The President continued. "If Delmarva ceases to be a state, the borders will be redrawn and the peninsula will be absorbed into either Virginia, Maryland, or Keystone. Maybe they'll split the land. I'm not really sure."

"Wait, wait," Peridot interrupted. "Hold on. You don't KNOW? You're the PRESIDENT! Don't you decide that stuff?"

"In case you haven't noticed, Peridot, more than half of the country hates my guts right now," the President responded angrily. "I can't get anything done. Congress won't listen to me anymore. The White House is a MESS. This place is a total dump. I've lost three staffers in the last three weeks, and that House Fusion didn't help my problems either. If that bill passes, I have no choice but to sign it, because if I veto it, the American people are gonna hate me even more."

"And why is being absorbed into another state so bad?"

"The Governments of Virginia, Maryland, and Keystone have all introduced anti-Gem legislation!" the President yelled. "Newsflash, Peridot, running such a recklessly stupid campaign put you in the public eye across the nation! People know who the Crystal Gems are from here to Los Angeles! There are whole conventions about you guys now."

Peridot realized at this moment that she screwed up. "Oooooh…" she said, slowly. "That's… not good."

"Yeah, and some people are PISSED off!" the President resumed yelling. "Delmarva is the only safe space you guys have. You think Tim Kaine gives a damn about you? He and the rest of the east coast want you shot off into space on a rocket! If that state ceases to exist… so will you."

Peridot and the rest of the Gems all glanced uneasily at each other. "That's… not true, right?" Peridot asked. "We run from Homeworld all the time. We can handle the local law enforcement… Right?"

Pearl avoided eye contact. "Without a consistent base of operations, our efforts protecting this planet would be… hindered, at best. Couple that with the fact that… well, if Homeworld sends its soldiers, we can at least TRY to fight them off, but…"

"But what?"

Garnet answered for her. "We can't effectively defend ourselves against Earth's armies. Obviously, we would win any battle against a human enemy, but it would be counterproductive to our cause to fight the people we're trying to protect."

Peridot's face fell. "So we're screwed, then."

"Not quite," the President interjected. "The new bill will take some time to draft. Senators are total sellouts. They bend to the whim of whoever gives them the most money. If you can double Beach City's tourism output, therefore increasing the value of the state as a whole while simultaneously driving more Americans to move to Delmarva, either for retirement or work opportunities, they'll have no choice but to vote for what you want."

That explanation concerned Peridot from a moral standpoint. "You want me to… manipulate congressional corruption to steer things in my advantage?"

The President sighed once more. "Welcome to politics, Mayor Peridot," he said, somewhat bitterly. "Here's a newsflash for you. You aren't here to make Beach City great again. You're here to manipulate people. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but the truth is that politics is a messy, messy game. Democrat, Republican, it doesn't matter. There are no good deeds in Washington. The sooner you accept that, the better."

Peridot's normally determined face looked so… disappointed. "Mr. President, I'm going to have to call you back."

"Peridot—" his voice was cut off as Peridot dropped the call. Pearl looked away and sighed.

"He's right, you know," she said. "You dug yourself into a political hole, and now the only way to dig yourself out is—and I hate that this is the case—to fight dirty."

"This is why we don't get involved in this kind of thing," Amethyst affirmed. "It gets too messy, too personal… It just isn't how we roll."

"So you all agree with him, do you?" Peridot questioned. "You think I should just do what the guy with the 38% approval rating says?"

"It's higher than yours," Amethyst muttered

"Unbelievable."

"Peridot, you're running out of options," Pearl said. "It's not like you'll be doing any REAL harm, you'll just be exploiting injustices that are already in place. You aren't going out and creating NEW ones."

"Is that the quantifier for good deeds, now?" Peridot asked rhetorically. "Just make sure you aren't making things worse, and we're all square? Okay. Alright. Just making sure."

"Peridot—"

"Pearl, I was elected because I'm not like the other politicians!" Peridot yelled. "I'm supposed to DRAIN the swamp, not be a PART of it!"

"This isn't about you, anymore!" Pearl yelled back. Calming down after that, she delivered her next remark in a quieter voice. "If you try and fight this, you're going to bring everyone else down with you. _Including Steven._ Is that what you want?"

Peridot was caught off-guard by that statement. Truthfully, she now knew that involving Steven in her campaign was a mistake from the beginning, and now that she was the mayor, he was in too deep to get out. "I… no. That isn't what I want." She glared up at the Crystal Gems. "But we don't GIVE UP in the face of adversity! That isn't who we are! At the very least, that is NOT how the Crystal Gems that I once called my enemies would have gone down."

All three were confused. "Huh?"

"Don't you three remember?" Peridot asked, smiling enthusiastically. "It used to be that I would try and kill you, and you'd resist, and I'd be all 'Grrrr, those meddling Crystal Gems!' And you'd be all 'Hey, we're protecting the planet!' Nothing that I could have done would have stopped you back then. What changed?"

Pearl narrowed her eyes. "What are you—"

"She's right," Garnet interrupted. "We've become a bunch of babies."

"A bunch of pussies!" Amethyst clarified.

"Right. A bunch of pussies." Garnet knelt down to meet Peridot's eyes. "Peridot. The people of this city chose you because they knew you could lead them to victory. So lead us to victory. The Crystal Gems are at your service, Mayor."

Peridot beamed. One could practically see the stars in her eyes. "Alright! Even now, my brilliant mind is concocting a plan to set everything right. First thing's first… We need to figure out what to do about the Era III."

* * *

Era III watched in utter boredom as Steven played an arcade game. "See, you hit THIS button after you hit THIS button, then you go back to this button, and bam! You just did a combo!"

"Joy," Era III said dryly.

"Yeah," Steven said, leaning against the machine. "I know all the 'tech' in this game. I've been playing it for six years."

"It took you six years to master something as simple as hitting a button sequence?" Era III asked in shock. "Wow. Are you of below average intelligence, or are all humans this mentally unfit for basic, menial tasks?"

Lapis arrived a moment later, landing gracefully in front of the arcade to the amazement of absolutely no one. "Peridot's having a mandatory meeting. All City Hall officials have to be there."

Steven glanced smugly at Era III. "I'm on the mayor's cabinet!"

"I suppose it is nice to know the Era II is so charitable," Era III quipped. "It's comforting knowing that one of the last two living Era IIs is a good one. Now, the one who betrayed Our Diamond, on the other hand…"

Lapis laughed uneasily. "Haha. Yeah. Our Peridot sure is a standout. Because all of the other ones are dead. Meaning she literally stands out. Because she's the only one. And I would be devastated if anything happened to her." She leaned in uncomfortably close to Era III. "You hear that? I would be very devastated. If anything happened. To Peridot."

"Why are you talking so deliberately?"

"Oh, no reason!" Lapis said as she moved away, laughing nervously again. "Just keep that in mind. We all care about her very much and it would not be a good thing if something happened to her."

Era III shrugged. "Well, I agree, this Era II deserves a long, prosperous life. Now, the TRAITOR, on the other hand…"

This sort of exchange would continue until they reached City Hall. Steven really hoped this whole thing could be resolved peacefully, especially since they were capable of communicating with this new Peridot. He briefly imagined what Peridot would look like fused with another Peridot.

 _She would almost be people-sized,_ he thought. That amused him.

* * *

 **A/N: I debated with myself a lot on whether or not we should actually get to see the President, and to what degree he should be referenced. Having been a major player in the first story, I wanted to stay away from using him, but once I started involving plot elements from the first story, it eventually became inevitable. In the end, I opted to include him without using his name, but since this is now technically a sequel to my other story, I guess that is supposed to be Mr. Garrison, not Trump.**


	12. Chapter 12: Crystal Collusion

Peridot sat at her desk, pen in hand, the other hand on her forehead. Her friends looked over her shoulder as her phone call progressed (Garnet having un-fused into Ruby and Sapphire, so as not to arouse suspicion with Era III, who was also there). Peridot's team of advisers—Sadie, Ronaldo, Stan, Jan, Matthias, Davidson, and Spicer—sat in seats around the room. Peridot had been speaking with the Governor of Puerto Rico over the phone for over an hour. This conversation was _painful_. Unlike her newer counterpart, she only spoke Universal Basic—what the Earthlings called "English." The Governor was bilingual, as many on the island were, but he was clearly far more comfortable speaking in his native language. Thus, to make HIM feel more comfortable while they had this… borderline illegal discussion, they held the conversation in Spanish.

This, of course, meant that Peridot needed a translator. Era III was that translator, and in all honesty, Peridot wasn't sure if her counterpart was accurately translating her statements or if she was slipping in her own condescending statements. Peridot listened as Governor Ricky Rosselló spoke. When he was done, she glanced up at Era III.

"He said that, as President of the New Progressive Party of Puerto Rico, he cannot abandon his promise to his constituents to seek statehood from the federal government of the United States," Era III translated. "He also says that he doubts that the Department of Justice will appreciate your attempts to subvert democracy."

Peridot furrowed her brow. "Governor Rosselló—ah, _señor_. Surely, it would be undemocratic to ignore the fact that, due to a number of different factors, only 23% of the eligible electorate attended the referendum. That's a substantial amount of people whose voices have not been heard."

More Spanish back-and-forth. Era III sighed. "A regulatory commission is being formed to ensure the validity of the results."

"Damn it," Peridot muttered under her breath. "Those commissions are rigged and everyone knows it." Era III shrugged and began repeating that in Spanish, but stopped when Peridot held her hand up. "You don't need to translate that part."

"Oh, okay."

Peridot groaned and leaned forward in her seat. "Regardless, Governor Rosselló, I believe we've had a rather productive discussion and I hope Beach City and the resort towns of Puerto Rico can form a mutually beneficial relationship in the near future. _Gracias señor, tenga una noche maravillosa." I hope Google Translate is right there,_ she thought to herself.

"And the same to you, señorita," the Governor responded. "Have a wonderful night."

The call ended. Peridot relaxed a little and leaned back. "Okay. That was a waste of time."

"I don't know what you expected to accomplish," Pearl said. "Was that your entire plan? Just ask nicely?"

"No, that was just step one," Peridot responded. "I had to gauge how open the Government of Puerto Rico is to debate. Not very, it seems. But that's fine! The rest of my plan is brilliant and I'm a genius for it."

"Is this going to be over soon?" Lapis asked bluntly.

"Within the next few weeks for sure."

"Okay, good, because I'm getting sick of this." Lapis looked at each of the Crystal Gems as she spoke. "Seriously, I'm so done, if there's another war over this, straight-up, I'm moving to Jersey, at least Chris Christie knows when to quit."

"That's fair," Peridot muttered, slightly 'done' with all of this herself. "Now then! For my incredibly brilliant plan!"

Era III scoffed and crossed her arms. "I have no doubt that you, like myself, are brilliant, as all Peridot's are… were… whatever. However, I'm questioning the tactical advantage we would gain from dealing with an island state. How does this help me with my mission?"

Peridot tapped her fingers together in thought. "My team and I… uh, have reason to believe, thaaaaat… the traitor Peridot is in Puerto Rico."

That got Era III's attention. "Really? Well, that certainly changes things."

Pearl blinked. "Wait. Peridot. You can't seriously be suggesting—"

"Everyone," Peridot cut her off. "Pack your bags. The Cryst— uh, the Yellow Diamond Reconnaissance Team is going on a diplomatic mission!"

Steven gasped and squished his cheeks together, stars practically in his eyes. "We're going to Puerto Rico! That's so cool! I can practice my Spanish!" Steven cleared his throat and looked at Connie. "Taco," he said in a sultry Latin American accent. Connie just rolled her eyes and smiled.

"I've always wanted to visit!" she exclaimed. "Plus, the beaches of Beach City are starting to bore me. In Puerto Rico, I can examine a whole new ECOSYSTEM of crustacean!"

Pearl rolled her eyes as well, though her eye-roll was not coupled with a smile. "And what are we going to do when the FBI finds out you're making deals with foreign leaders? The Governor was right, you know. That's REALLY illegal, and if the Feds start breathing down our necks over this then it will all have been for nothing!"

"You leave that to me," Sadie said confidently. "Spicer and I already have a speech prepared! Officially, Peridot's going to the Puerto Rican resort town of Island City, to discuss a sister-town relationship with Beach City. THAT's totally legal."

"You trust HIM to give a press conference?" Pearl asked, pointing at Sean.

Sadie laughed and shook her head. "No, no, of course not. No. We worked out a deal! HE'S going to come up with the most bold-faced lies there are, and I'M going to translate them into things that make sense."

Peridot nodded. "Don't forget! Everyone here is now involved in a collusion scheme. A noble collusion scheme that ultimately harms nobody, unlike the legal, but much more shady options that the President suggested to me, but a collusion scheme nonetheless. And I am absolutely willing to rat on every single one of you clods to avoid time in federal prison if necessary. If I go down, we ALL go down! So be careful. Don't get caught. And don't. Snitch. If somebody questions you, be vague. It's not technically lying.

"The President is on our side, but he's an idiot and he can't control anybody in the government, so we're basically on our own, here. If the FBI starts poking their noses in here, deny EVERYTHING. Delete your emails like a Democrat and bribe the Feds like a Republican, or else you'll end up getting screwed like an Independent."

The room agreed unenthusiastically. Era III raised an eyebrow.

"Is this the same President who was helping the Crystal Gems?"

Peridot froze in her tracks. "Uh. Well, you see—"

"That's PRECISELY why we can't trust him!" Pearl lied. She lied so well, in fact, that even the people who knew she was lying could have mistaken it for the truth. "It's not that he's incompetent, although he is. Mostly, it's that he's turned his back on everyone who trusted him." Peridot was beginning to believe that lying was second nature for a Crystal Gem; or, at least, that it was second nature for Pearl.

Spicer nodded. "Not even Hitler was this distrustful of his own people. We have to face facts, people. We're in this alone. We can't trust anybody. Not the President. Not Congress. Not even our families. Connie's mom is probably working with the Clintons."

"Excuse me?"

Peridot nodded. "Right now, it's us against the world. So! Here's what's going to be happening." Peridot walked over to the other side of the room and flipped over a chalkboard, on the other side of which she'd apparently drawn out a very intricate plan. Amethyst groaned and pinched her nose bridge.

"Oh, brother."

Peridot then retrieved a very long stick from behind the board and began pointing at various drawings, providing visuals to her plan as she explained it. "I will fly to Puerto Rico on Governor Carney's helicopter with Ruby, Sapphire, Amethyst, and my Pearl, along with Steven, Connie, Lapis, and the other Peridot."

Pearl already had objections. "There's a warp pad on the island, why don't we take THAT instead?"

Peridot glared at Pearl. "If this plan is going to work, we need to make a big spectacle of it. Everyone THINKS we're going there to discuss a sister city relationship, so we need to act as such. I'm also renting a convertible limo when we get there." Sighing derisively, she pointed at the next item. "MEANWHILE, Sadie and my cabinet will hold down the fort in Beach City. Nothing CRAZY is supposed to be going on for a while, so if they can just keep the city from going up in flames, that's a job well done. Sadie and Spicer will collaborate to keep the press at bay while everyone else… you know. Governs. You can do that for a week, can't you?"

Sadie stood tall—as tall as she could, anyway, barely being taller than Peridot. "You can count on us, Mayor! Beach City is in good hands!"

"Right," Peridot said. "Okay. I'm sure you'll do fine." Peridot made a mental note to fire her entire staff and replace them with actually competent politicians when she got back. "Back to our side of the plan. When we get to Island City, I will meet with Mayor Guadalupe—with the other Peridot as my aide—while Steven, Lapis, and Connie make their way to San José, which is a few miles down the road, and infiltrate that regulatory commission. Gar—uh, Sapphire, they're going to need your help getting in."

"How can I help?" Sapphire asked, hands together. She already knew what Peridot was going to say, but she thought she'd humor her.

Peridot pointed to the board. "That commission is DEFINITELY going to be at the beck and call of the Governor and they're DEFINITELY into some shady sh—" Peridot glanced at Steven and Connie. "...stuff. They'll likely be on the move as well, and you need to anticipate those moves."

"Understood."

Ruby perked up and glanced hopefully at Peridot. Peridot sighed and rolled her eyes. "And Ruby, you can be their bodyguard in case something goes wrong."

"Aye aye, captain!"

 _God, I hate her voice,_ Peridot thought as Ruby did some kind of weird victory dance, as if she didn't already know that she and Sapphire would re-fuse the second that Era III was out of sight. Peridot glanced over at Pearl and smirked. "And _Pearl,_ " she said with an overwhelming sense of dignity. She was having way too much fun pretending Pearl was her slave. " _You_ will accompany me and the Era III and carry our things."

"You're kidding me, right?"

Connie glared at Peridot. "With all due respect, Peridot, maybe it would be better if she and Amethyst stayed on standby to assist either party should they need it?"

Peridot appeared to consider it. "Hmmmm. I don't know. We DO have a lot of things that need to be carried."

Era III grinned gleefully. "I can't believe we have our own Pearl!"

Peridot sighed, but kept her smirk. "Connie is correct. _The Pearl_ would be much more useful to us if she could move quickly to wherever she's needed. You're to help out if any of us call for you, understood?"

Pearl just glared at Peridot, who then laughed nervously.

"Heh, uh, WELL THEN, moving on!" Peridot said, suddenly realizing how close she was to an ass-kicking. "Steven, your group is to find evidence of rigging, collusion, intimidation, WHATEVER. Anything you can find that would have tampered with the results of that referendum, or, if possible, the governor's election. I shall use that to blackmail Governor Rosselló into dropping the statehood discussions with Congress."

"Cool!" Steven exclaimed. "Political blackmail! That's SUPER illegal! We're, like, Batman or something! We commit crimes to stop criminals!"

Peridot pointed at Steven. "Precisely like Batman. See that, everyone? He gets it."

Era III leaned to whisper to Peridot. "Who is Batman?"

Peridot shrugged and whispered back. "I don't know. All I know is he wears a cape."

Era III blinked. "What's a cape?"

Peridot continued outlining her plan. "I will try my best to convince Mayor Guadalupe that statehood would be very, VERY bad for Puerto Ricans. Like Beach City, Island City is a tourist hotspot. Therefore, Guadalupe will likely have a lot of leverage with the Governor, and therefore the New Progressive Party, or the 'NPP'. THEY'RE the main driving force behind the statehood movement. This will be difficult, however, if I don't have that blackmail."

"Blackmail, you say?" a familiar voice intruded. Everyone turned their heads to the door, where Tim Hairpiece stood. "The Department of Justice would object, would they not?"

"Who let him in?" Peridot asked urgently. Their plan was already blown and they hadn't even set it in motion yet. Lapis glared at him and stepped forward.

"Oh, I'm going to enjoy tossing you out," she muttered darkly.

Hairpiece held his hands up in defense. "Whoa, whoa, easy. I'm not going to rat on you."

"Why should we trust you?" Amethyst growled. "YOU'RE the one who released all those messed up videos of Peridot!"

"I bet he's wearing a wire," Ruby said as she and Amethyst joined Lapis in menacingly approaching the reporter.

Sorry. THEY thought it was menacing. To Hairpiece, it was like being threatened by two children and a chronically depressed millennial.

Peridot held her hand up. "Back off, you three. Beating him up won't change a thing. It'll just make us look like idiots."

Amethyst turned to Peridot and gave her a pleading look. "Aw, come on. We were just gonna, like, push him around a little."

Tim crossed his arms and leaned against the now-closed door. "I assure you, I'm here as an ally."

Peridot tilted her head, confused. "Excuse me? What do you mean?"

Hairpiece rolled his eyes. "I'm an opportunist, and an opportunist knows when some bad, bad stuff is about to go down. If this Puerto Rico thing happens, Delmarvians are going to riot, which admittedly, would be GREAT for ratings. But the people HATE the media right now, and my headquarters are in Ocean Town. So if there's a riot? My office is getting burned down. I want to help you, in any way I can."

Pearl joined the others in glaring at Hairpiece. "So you want us to succeed, but ONLY because you're trying to look out for yourself."

"So we're all on the same page," Tim chuckled. "It's not like you have a whole lot of other options. The way I see it, you need all the help you can get, so can we just forget about what my motives are long enough for this crisis to end?"

"Forget it," Jan said. "You burned this bridge with your unfair coverage of—"

"He's right," Peridot interrupted. "We need his help."

"What?!"

Peridot turned to her friends. "We need to face facts, guys. If the media isn't on our side, we're fighting an uphill battle. So REGARDLESS of what his ulterior motives are—and I don't doubt he has several—we can't afford NOT to trust him." Scowling, Peridot turned back to the reporter. "Alright, Hairpiece. Your name is stupid and your way of life is despicable. But we need your help."

"What can I do?"

Peridot motioned towards the board. "My visit to Puerto Rico needs as much media coverage as possible. I want everyone to be watching when I expose the Governor as a fraud. Can you pull those strings?"

Hairpiece have a sort of half smile. "Well, I could call some old colleagues at CNN and Fox. To the best of my abilities, I'll make sure all eyes are on you."

"Excellent." Peridot turned back to face her friends. "Everyone… head home and pack your bags. We leave for Puerto Rico in the morning."

Hairpiece nodded and left the room. As he entered the hall and closed the door, he smirked.

"Everything is going according to plan," Hairpiece muttered darkly. "God. I am SUCH a good actor."

The group dispersed, one by one, after they'd asked Peridot their final questions. All went to their respective homes. Eventually, only Peridot and Peridot were left in the room.

Peridot sat at her desk and went over the itinerary for the following day while Era III explored the office. "You know, Peridot?" Era III said, drawing Peridot's attention. "I can't wait to find the treacherous bitch responsible for all that needless loss of life."

Peridot, though stunned for a moment at Era III's bluntness and vulgarity, eventually sighed and looked back down at her papers, gloomily. "Yes," she said. "It's… it's a shame what happened to the other Peridots." _Please don't remind me._

"It's going to be so _satisfying_ taking her out," Era III continued. "She deserves to rot."

"I agree," Peridot responded. "A traitor like that has no place in this world."

Era III slowly turned to Peridot. "When we return to Homeworld, you'll be hailed as a hero for your commitment to the Great Diamond Authority. You managed to get _humans_ to turn on their own kind to serve your own purposes. How did you do that?"

Peridot tapped her fingers together and leaned back in her seat. "Oh, you know… politics. They're fascinated with colors. So much so, that they go to war over what colors they wear. Blue shirts against red shirts, and other such nonsense." Peridot leaned on her hand and examined the fingernails on the other. "They're already so heavily divided. I barely have to lift a touch stump."

"Speaking of touch stumps," Era III segued into a new topic, "where are your limb enhancers? An Era II such as yourself wouldn't be caught dead without—"

"They were destroyed," Peridot said quickly. "Some… clods tossed them into the ocean."

Era III marched over to the desk. "And yet, here you are. Despite the fact that you're, essentially, powerless, and that they don't even trust EACH OTHER, the local humans have elected YOU the leader of their tribe. It just goes to show how resourceful and charismatic us Peridots really are." Era III smirked and leaned up on the desk. "Of course, it probably helps that we're so… easy on the eyes."

Peridot dropped her pen and looked up, her eyes meeting Era III's. "E-excuse me?"

"You heard me, good-looking," Era III purred. "It's like looking into a mirror."

"What?"

Era III sat up on the desk, leaning closer to Peridot. "I bet you've been real lonely for a long time. No other Gems with your smarts to aid you on your mission. I've been lonely, too. But now…"

Peridot leaned back. The entire situation was making her extremely uncomfortable. "Wow. Okay. Um…"

"And the way you took charge, back there?" Era III said in a rather… sultry tone. "That's a real turn-on."

That was more or less confirmation for Peridot that today was about to get super weird. " **OH, OKAY** , well, I REALLY have to get back to planning. Busy, busy day ahead! Haha!" She smiled nervously as Era III continued to give her a suggestive look.

"Alright then. You do what you need to do," she conceded. "I'm just saying. If our minds were… one, we could get so much more done."

Peridot just got straight-up propositioned by her would-be assassin. Today just got super weird. "Peridot," she said, "that's… uh, flattering, but the concept makes me uncomfortable."

Era III looked offended. "How come? We're two Peridots. It's not like we're, say, a Peridot and a Quartz. _That_ would be gross."

"Some Quartzes are really nice!" Peridot glared and stood up, before realizing she was getting overly defensive. Recollecting herself and sitting down, she chuckled and avoided eye contact. "I-I mean, that's not what the issue is. Really, I'm just uncomfortable with the idea in general. It's not you, it's me." She looked back at Era III nervously. She really didn't need her cover blown right now. "Besides, you of all Gems should know. Two small Peridots are better than one big Peridot. We can… Uh, get more done if we act independently."

Era III scratched her chin. "Hmm. I suppose that makes sense. Still, though. You're the only other Peridot I've ever met. You have to admit… you're a little curious as to what the result would be, aren't you? I am."

"The result would be inefficiency," Peridot countered. "Bigger isn't always better. I read on the internet once that it's about 'how you use it'. I'm not sure what 'it' is, but I think 'it' can be a variety of different things."

"You're right," Era III sighed. "You're absolutely right."

"You're not gonna cry about it, are you?" Lapis asked, having suddenly appeared next to Era III.

"Holy f- where did you come from?!" Era III exclaimed.

"Walked in while you were propositioning my friend," Lapis said nonchalantly, crossing her arms. "Beat it, shorty. The 'Mayor' and I have things to discuss."

"Why do I have to leave?" Era III reasoned. "We're all allies here, surely anything you can say to—"

"We're making plans for your surprise party."

Era III grinned. "Ooh! Carry on, then," she said, bowing and backing out of the room. On her way out, she bumped into a shelf and knocked over several books and a picture frame. "Oops. Uh." Smiling nervously, she waved and finally exited the room, closing the door behind her. Lapis rolled her eyes, and Peridot chuckled.

"Well, she's… a character," Peridot said.

"I don't trust her," Lapis said quickly. Peridot scoffed.

"Well of COURSE you don't, she was sent here to kill me."

Lapis shook her head. "No, I mean I REALLY don't trust her. She's been trying awfully hard to get close to you. Look at what just happened."

Peridot sighed and leaned back in her seat. "Yes, her behavior just now was… inappropriate to say the least, but what do you want me to do? I'm the only other Peridot she's ever met. Of COURSE she's… uh… interested."

Lapis sat down on the other end of the desk and admired the stuff that was on it. She was silent for a moment. "I think she knows who you are."

"You do?"

"Yeah. I do. Or she's really close to figuring it out." Lapis looked back up at Peridot. "She's a Peridot. You guys are geniuses. It's one of the things I… uh, admire about you. Anyway, I think she's capable of putting two and two together. Eventually."

"So if she knows who I am, why hasn't she killed me yet?"

Good question. Lapis thought about it for a moment. "I'm… not sure."

"Lapis, I appreciate your concern," Peridot said as she walked around the table to get closer. "Like me, she is a genius, but unlike me, she doesn't know how to USE that genius. She's been stuck doing the Homeworld equivalent of secretary work for most of her life. Besides, you have to admit, even _I'm_ a bit stupid sometimes. I focus too much on minute details and I'm oblivious to the feelings of those around me."

Lapis crossed her arms and cast an aside glance. "Boy, I'll say," she muttered.

"What was that?"

"Nothing."

"Anyway… you have nothing to worry about. If she knew who I was, she'd have made her move and given me the John Kennedy Treatment already."

"I guess."

Peridot paused for a moment and apprehensively tapped her touch stumps together. "Besides… when this is all over she'll… uh, know the truth anyway."

Lapis froze. "What."

Peridot laughed nervously. "I mean, you know, it's only FAIR that, uh, when this is all behind us, I… reward her for her efforts. By telling her everything."

Lapis stood up and immediately voiced her objections. "WHAT?! You can't do that!"

"I can and I will," Peridot retorted. "She deserves to know who REALLY shattered all of those other Peridots."

"You DIDN'T kill those other Peridots!" Lapis yelled. "YELLOW DIAMOND killed them!"

"And she killed them BECAUSE OF me!"

"This is ridiculous. I'm not going to let you do that. It's suicide!"

"Perhaps," Peridot said. "But it's the right thing to do. I'm hoping that by that point she'll see why I did what I did, but if she doesn't, well… I mean, whatever happens after that… happens."

Lapis just glared at Peridot. "If you die, I'll never forgive you."

"Well that's just fine, because I'll be dead," Peridot said, not fully grasping what she meant by that. "It's not like I have to be worried about what people think of a dead woman."

"Peridot, you are one of the ONLY good things on this planet right now, so if you—"

"My mind is made up," Peridot cut her off. "When this crisis is over with, I'm telling Era III everything, and whatever she decides to do to me after that is what I deserve."

"I don't want to hear any more of this," Lapis marched to the end of the room and opened the door, where Era III was standing—thankfully, she hadn't heard any of the conversation, as Lapis took the precaution of surrounding the center of the room in a sound-proof water bubble before speaking with Peridot. "You know, you're really selfish!" she shouted before slamming the door shut.

Era III just stared. "Wow. This must be one intense surprise party you're planning for me."

Lapis just shot Era III a death glare before scoffing and marching away. On the way out, she passed Amethyst, Pearl, and Ruby—Sapphire, Steven, and Connie were nowhere to be seen. "Change of plans. When we get to Puerto Rico, the three are going to trail the Peridots everywhere they go."

Ruby frowned. "But Sapphire—"

"You can afford to be away from Sapphire for a few days," Lapis snapped. "If you screw this mission up, I have to be away from Peridot forever."

Amethyst stepped forward. "Whoa, whoa, chill out, _lapiz_."

Pearl shot Amethyst a half-lidded glare. "You just called her a pencil. She is not a pencil."

Amethyst ignored Pearl. "I don't know WHY you want us following them, but I THINK Pearl and I can handle it ourselves. Ruby doesn't have to—"

"Yes, she does," Lapis snapped again. "If it were possible, I'd have an entire Quartz ARMY protecting her, but unfortunately, that isn't possible, so you three will have to do. Got it?"

Ruby crossed her arms. "Why are you so paranoid all of a sudden?"

"Because I just found out Peridot's going to tell the other Peridot the truth about her allegiance," Lapis said. "She thinks she can turn the other Peridot to her side, but I'm not THAT naïve. The Era III is going to kill her the second she finds out, and if I lose Peridot, I— I don't think I can—" Ruby held a hand up and shushed her.

"Hey. I get it now," Ruby assured Lapis. "I'd want the same if Sapphire was in danger. You can count on us!" she said confidently. "No danger will come to Peridot with the three of us on guard! Right, guys?"

Pearl nodded. "Lapis, I promise, Peridot is going to come out of this in one piece."

"She'd better."

Amethyst crossed her arms. "And what are YOU going to do?"

"I'm joining you three," Lapis replied. "Steven, Connie, and Sapphire can take care of themselves."

"I really still think we should follow the original plan," Pearl said. "Peridot has a pretty solid plan worked out. Deviating from it could—"

"I don't CARE what deviating from it could do," Lapis snapped yet again. "At the first hint of trouble, I want the Era III shattered, got it?"

Pearl glared. "You mean bubbled."

"Sure, if you want." Lapis left shortly afterwards.

Pearl sighed. "I don't like this. I understand wanting to keep your loved ones safe, but Lapis Lazuli might be taking things a bit far."

Ruby leaned against the wall. "What would you have done? If Rose or Steven were in Peridot's place, I mean."

Pearl looked back down the hall. Era III was approaching them with a Rubik's Cube in hand. She was furiously twisting and turning the sides, trying to solve the puzzle. "What is the meaning behind this absurd contraption? What does it unlock? I can't… seem… to solve it!" She passed the group and continued walking.

Pearl looked away. "The honest answer to that question is the reason why I'm worried."


	13. Chapter 13: Despacito

**A/N: This chapter was a lot different, as those who saw the first version several weeks ago would know. The hurricanes that hit Puerto Rico last month, obviously, made me re-think some of the wording (I'm Puerto Rican myself, though I'm not actually IN Puerto Rico). The current administration's absolute unwillingness to help Puerto Rico after having been hit by not one, but TWO massive hurricanes, on top of pissing me off beyond belief, also made me a little skittish about even continuing this story, which for the last few chapters has dealt heavily with Puerto Rico's relationship with the states. In the end, I decided that abandoning the story at this point would feel like a waste, as at that point it was extremely close to completion (this story was intended to be ten chapters, but I extended it to fourteen about halfway in-next week's, the fourteenth, will be the final one), so I spent the last few weeks re-working things and trying to figure out exactly how to conclude the story, so as a result the ending to this chapter is radically different from the original. I like this one better.**

 **Obviously I couldn't remove Puerto Rico from the conflict entirely, so I'm sorry if anyone finds the setting a little tasteless. I couldn't have anticipated the disaster that would occur on the island, if I had this whole story would have gone in a much different direction.**

 **Also, looking back on this story's earlier chapters, I kind of don't like a lot of it, anymore. I'm finding a lot of things that I think I would have done differently, and to be honest, I'm not really that great an author, so I don't think I've really done this concept much justice. The best I can do is hope that these final two chapters can tie everything up relatively nicely, because I want to move on to something else now.**

 **Enjoy.**

* * *

Everything was totally behind schedule.

As it turned out, Peridot had greatly overestimated the distance a helicopter could fly before needing to stop for refueling. Stupid cloddy humans and their fuel-inefficient vehicles, no wonder there was none of it left, they hadn't even developed the technology needed to condense petroleum into unobtaineum, which was so much more efficient.

So, when the group boarded Carney's private helicopter, they flew… to Capital City, where Peridot briefly met with Delmarva's stupid corrupt senators and the state's stupid corrupt representative and explained her brilliant plan to them. It seemed they didn't care WHAT she did, as long as she prevented the vote from happening. Figures.

The President was back in his home state while the White House was being renovated, so Peridot wasn't able to meet with him. Not that she was complaining. That guy sucked. She did, however, get an aerial view of the White House as they flew over the city, which was nice. Shame it was apparently a dump, as she'd been told by the President himself. It didn't look like a dump.

The party then crossed the Potomac River into Virginia, where they travelled to Loudoun County and ended up at Dulles International Airport. Peridot questioned why they didn't go to Reagan International, which was closer. Evidently, Steven was a big fan of the Die Hard movies, and since Die Hard 2 was filmed at Dulles, he wanted to see it. Nobody else saw anything special there, but he seemed to enjoy it.

The group then boarded a private jet prepared for them by members of the Delmarva Senate. Finally, they were ready… to begin the three-hour flight to Miami-Dade, the largest city in the Florida Archipelago, where they made another stop. Tim Hairpiece had the _brilliant_ idea of having the group make the final leg of the trip on a commercial jet, so as to make Peridot look like a politician for the people in the eyes of the Puerto Rican citizens.

As she sat in the terminal, Peridot was starting to get impatient. "Grr… WHY CAN'T HUMANS BUILD FASTER TRANSPORT VESSELS?!" she shouted, the Cuban woman a few seats down looking up from her tabloid ("Hillary Clinton Sex Tape LEAKED") to glare. Steven chuckled nervously and put a hand on Peridot's shoulder.

"Hey, uh, Peridot," he whispered. "Can you calm down juuuust a teensy bit? Getting all worked up at an airport isn't a great idea."

"What are they gonna do? Arrest me?"

Steven looked up at a nearby TSA agent, who was just glaring at the group. "Yes," he said quietly. "The security here is really touchy."

"What for?"

"You know how we watched that movie from the 90s, and you asked me why Empire City looks different in photos than it did in that movie?"

Peridot started grumbling. "Stupid airport security… telling me how I can and can't act." Peridot looked up and noticed the TSA agent. "What are you looking at?!" she spat. "What? I'll burn this whole place to the ground if—"

Steven's eyes widened. "No, Peridot, don't—!"

Peridot spent the next two hours being aggressively searched and interrogated by a pair of TSA agents. Once they determined she was not a threat to national security, they let her go. By this point, they had to get on another flight, as their scheduled flight had taken off already, but once that was all sorted out, the group boarded—not, however, before Peridot was given a very rough pat-down at the metal detector. Connie couldn't help but laugh at seeing someone ELSE get treated poorly by airport security for once.

Peridot sat between a VERY large man who'd had a little too much to drink, and an elderly woman with Parkinson's. The man fell asleep halfway through the flight, fortunately, but the woman would not shut up about her grandson, who was some kind of a humanitarian volunteer. She was flying to Island City to see the work he'd been—

Wait. "Humanitarian volunteer?" Peridot asked. "Do they… uh… need a lot of help in Puerto Rico?"

The woman nodded. "Oh, my, yes. The country's having a little bit of an economic crisis right now, and things are only going to get worse if President Garrison continues to refuse to help. That's why the new Governor's been pushing so heavily for statehood. If Puerto Rico is admitted into the Union, the federal government would be obligated to provide aid just as they would any other state facing such a crisis."

 _Oh. Ohhhhh, crap._ Peridot realized at that moment that if she stopped said admission from occurring, she'd be screwing a LOT of ordinary people over.

"Hey! I did it!" Peridot heard Era III yell from two rows back. "I solved the cubic contraption! Haha! Victory for Homeworld! ...now what exactly does it do?"

Amethyst, who was seated next to her, just smirked and grabbed the Rubik's Cube. She proceeded to twist and turn the sides until it was, once again, a mess of colors. She tossed it back into Era III's hands. "Now solve it again."

This earned Amethyst a disapproving look from Pearl, who was across the aisle. "Amethyst…"

Era III glared determinedly at the Rubik's Cube. "Ah, so it's a test of willpower, is it? I accept your challenge!" She began twisting and turning the sides, determined to once again solve the mystery of the Rubik's Cube.

Eventually, the plane landed at Ponce de Leon International Airport on the outskirts of Island City, Puerto Rico. Airport security was just as rough here as they were in the States, the only difference being that they yelled at Peridot in Spanish instead of broken English.

"Hey!" Peridot yelled as they gave her another aggressive pat-down, this one slightly more personal than the last. "Watch it! I'm not keistering any gem technology, you don't need to be so hands-y there." The woman who was searching her ignored her and continued to aggressively pat her down. "Why do I need to be searched?! They searched me when I got ON the plane, what on EARTH could I have possibly acquired since then?!"

After that ordeal, Era III approached Peridot, now on her third try solving the Rubik's Cube. "Wow, it's just like the inspections back on Homeworld, huh?"

Peridot blinked slowly and stared at Era III wearily. "Yeah, I think they started doing that recently, I never got that."

"Woowwww!" Steven exclaimed as he walked past. "Puerto Rico!" He pressed his face against the large glass window and admired the city, whose skyline could be seen in the distance across the Tarmac. It was beautiful. He couldn't wait to leave the terminal and start exploring.

Sapphire joined him and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Don't forget, Steven. We have a mission here. We don't have time to goof around."

"I know, but… Everything looks so… cool! And Spanish!"

Peridot approached the window as well and stared out at the city. "There's a lot of people out there. I wonder how many of them are actually bothered by all this political stuff."

The trio was silent for just a moment. Sapphire spoke up to break the awkward silence. "Almost none of them. Literally nobody cares."

"Can you see it? With your predictive temporal sight, that is."

"It's more like an inference," Sapphire responded. "Most of the humans here have their own problems to worry about."

"Wow," Peridot muttered. "I didn't know something could be so relieving AND so sad at the same time."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, on one hand, we won't face as much resistance… On the other hand, if their problems are so cumbersome they literally don't care about anything else…" Peridot trailed off. "I just hope we aren't hurting anyone. That's all."

Steven was confused. "Why would we hurt someone?"

"Not physically," Peridot explained. "Economically. One of the benefits of statehood, as I have been told, is that the federal government would be obligated to aid the Puerto Rican people with the economic depression they're facing right now. That was one of the reasons the NPP rose to power. Things suck here, right now."

"Oh."

The trio stared at the skyline for just a moment longer. "Sapphire?" Peridot said.

"Yes, Peridot?"

"You're—" Peridot glanced over her shoulder to make sure Era III wasn't listening. "Garnet is the most level-headed Crystal Gem. You're one half of Garnet, and Ruby is… well, bold, to say the least, so I suppose you're the de-facto authority on right and wrong. Are we doing the right thing, here?"

"This is the right thing for the Crystal Gems, yes."

"You KNOW that's not what I meant."

"It's the only answer I have for you. Only YOU can decide whether your actions are justified."

Peridot sighed. "Damn it. I don't want to think about this right now, that's why I asked you."

"Don't ask a wise gem. Ask a fool."

"I don't think Ruby can help me here." This earned Peridot (she assumed, anyway, as she couldn't see the other gem's eye through her bangs) a glare from Sapphire, who then walked away. "It was a joke!" she shouted after her. "Whatever. I thought it was funny."

After their luggage was checked, and they were checked into their hotel rooms (courtesy of Greg, Peridot presumed), Team Evergreen—consisting of Peridot, Era III, and Tim Hairpiece—made their way to City Hall so that Peridot could finally meet the Mayor of Island City. The other two teams—Team Blackmail, consisting of Steven, Connie, Ruby, Sapphire, and Lapis, and Team Standby And Therefore Worthless, consisting of Pearl and Amethyst—saw them off.

Once the car was out of sight, Lapis turned to Ruby, Amethyst, and Pearl. "Alright, you three. We need to get to City Hall and follow them, but DON'T let them see you."

Steven frowned. "Wait, I thought you were coming with us?"

Lapis knelt down to meet Steven's eyes. "Steven," she said in an overly-motherly tone, "Peridot and I are having a fight right now because Peridot is about to do something really stupid."

Amethyst scoffed. "What are you, married?"

Steven smiled. "Aw, that's cute!"

"The point is that… I think you three can take care of yourselves while Pearl, Amethyst, Ruby, and I follow the Peridots and save a life, can't you?"

Connie nodded. "Absolutely. We've got things under control, right guys?"

Sapphire frowned. "Oh dear. Steven, do me a favor, when we get to the NPP headquarters, please do not comment on the human who has two thumbs on his left hand."

This made Connie frown, as she was now less sure of herself. "Uh. Yeah. We have things under control. Totally."

* * *

Island City's executive building was far more impressive than Beach City's. The Office of the Mayor of Beach City was more or less just a two-story beach house, which became Peridot's official residence after Dewey left office—not that it actually made much difference to her, being someone who never ate, slept, or used the bathroom. She really only ever used her designated office, which the previous administration dubbed "The Atlantic West Wing", so really she could have cared less what the rest of the building was like, although she did intend to ask Lapis to move into the residence with her so as to restore their previous roommate dynamic (and also because sharing custody of Pumpkin was beginning to get stressful, as Lapis wanted her on weekdays even though EVERYONE knows, Peridot's the one who grew Pumpkin and spent the most time with her, and who's the one who puts the metaphorical bread on the metaphorical table? Peridot. Not Lapis. Any judge will tell you that Peridot is CLEARLY the more suitable parent and really, giving Lapis any custody at all was generous on the mayor's part).

Regardless, Peridot was totally jealous about Mayor Guadalupe's executive building. The compound was three stories tall and was large enough to house offices for a staff that could almost rival the Governor's in size. Clearly, Island City was a huge asset for Puerto Rico, and the local government spared no expense in making it look as important. Peridot briefly wondered if this was the reason why the economy was in the crapper, but she disregarded the notion. The mansion was nice, but it wasn't THAT nice.

"Here we are," the driver said as the car pulled up to the gate. "The Mayor will be waiting for you inside."

" _Gracias, señor,_ " Peridot said as she, Era III, and Hairpiece exited the vehicle. "Alright. The other Peridot and I are going to head in there and discuss this whole thing with Guadalupe. Hopefully, Steven and the others can get some dirt on him or the Governor during the meeting. Tim, keep your phone on. Era III is going to be emailing you 'leaks' from my account throughout the meeting. Use that to fuel a media firestorm. Got it?"

Hairpiece nodded. "A local news station is sending out a camera crew to do a piece on the meeting. Some old colleagues of mine at CNN and Fox are going to be simulcasting the footage with their respective commentaries back in the states, Infowars is going to run a video about how this is all part of a globalist conspiracy, Breitbart and The Guardian are both going to publish opinion pieces, and my team is working on getting this meeting trending on Twitter, Tumblr, and Facebook. For good measure, I had someone spread a rumor that you were sent here on behalf of the President to discuss something in secret. Everyone is going to be watching this as it goes down."

"Wow," Era III remarked. "For a human, this guy's pretty good."

"I'm going to take that as a compliment."

Across the street, Lapis watched the group enter the compound through a pair of binoculars. Her eyes were trained on Era III, and she was ready to jump into action should anything go down. "They're entering the compound," she muttered.

"You know, security looks pretty tight," Pearl said. "I don't think the other Peridot is going to try anything while all those people are watching." It wasn't until after saying that, however, that she realized something wasn't quite right. "Which begs the question of WHY."

"What?"

"As far as anyone knows—Island City's mayor included—this meeting is simply to discuss a mutually beneficial relationship between two tourist traps."

"So? What's the big deal?"

Pearl shook her head. "It ISN'T a big deal, that's the problem. So why is the security detail so heavy? From right here I can see at least a dozen guards, each one rather heavily armed. There's no need for it. Unless…" Pearl's eyes widened. "Unless they expect something to happen."

"Alright. That's it. I'm going in there."

"Lapis, wait!" Pearl grabbed Lapis's arm and stopped her from rushing to the compound. "Hold on. None of the armed guards followed her inside. They're protecting the building itself. If anything, Peridot's safest in there."

"But the Era III—" Lapis started to protest. Pearl cut her off.

"Is not our biggest concern right now," she said. "You said Peridot was planning to tell her everything, correct?"

"Yes, which is why—"

"So OBVIOUSLY she's going to wait until all of THIS is said and done, first. If she's going to potentially trigger her own assassination, she's going to wait until she's finished everything she needs to do. Peridot doesn't like loose ends. Something else is going on and the other Peridot is totally out of the loop." Pearl grabbed Lapis's binoculars and searched the area. "That news reporter's gone."

Ruby's head was turned in the other direction. "No he's not," she said nervously.

"Well, it looks like we ALL deviated from the plan a little," said a voice that they really did not want to hear right now. The group quickly turned around and were faced by Tim Hairpiece—and he wasn't alone. Several American men in uniform, one of whom Lapis recognized as Cory Smith, the man who most definitely was not a narc, surrounded them. They wielded assault weapons and riot shields. One of them—an older man, presumably their captain—stepped forward, and spoke in a rather grave tone.

"Ruby, Amethyst, Pearl, and Lapis Lazuli," he said. "I'm Robert Mueller. I'm with the Federal Bureau of Investigation."

"I can't imagine you're here to assist us," Pearl noted, staring disdainfully at the sidearm he was holding. "You're acting under White House orders, aren't you?"

"Ms. Pearl, the President and several members of his cabinet are under arrest. I had a team raid the White House and the President's private home in Colorado this morning." The Crystal Gems gasped. "The United States is facing a constitutional crisis and per our orders from Acting President Ryan and Acting Vice President Pelosi, and with the consent of the House Fusion, the Bureau has indefinitely separated itself from all branches of government to negate any sort of conflict of interest in our investigation of alien interference in the 2016 Presidential Election, as well as possible outside involvement in Beach City's recent Mayoral election.

"As for you... The four of you are under arrest for conspiracy to circumvent democracy, among other things. Don't try running, you have nowhere to go. Your hideout in Delmarva is being monitored, and most of your co-conspirators in Beach City are already in custody."

"Conspiracy isn't a crime!" Amethyst protested. "Or, it shouldn't be, anyway. I CONSPIRE to do things all the time, but I DON'T!"

Pearl glared at Hairpiece. "You led them here."

"I am simply doing my job as a patriotic American."

"You don't CARE about being a patriotic American!" Pearl complained. "You're doing this for money. The FBI completely divorcing itself from all aspects of the U.S. Government and acting as an independent agency answering to nobody and unstoppable by everybody? THAT'S a headline that's going to sell, and you KNOW it."

"Well, Pearl, if you want to get technical, the President getting arrested and tried for treason is a bigger headline, so if I'm planning to profit from anything that's happened today, it'd be THAT."

Lapis glared at the FBI agents. "I knew we couldn't trust you," she said to Hairpiece as he chuckled.

"You'll have a lot of time to think about who you should and shouldn't trust in federal prison," he said. "Say, what constitutes a 'life sentence' for you freaks?"

"Wowzers, that was racist as hell," Amethyst commented.

Pearl stepped forward and pressed an accusing finger to Hairpiece's chest. "You would create a constitutional crisis, displace half of the executive branch, allow innocent people to be imprisoned, destroy what little remains of the people's faith in the federal government, and facilitate the creation of a wholly independent secret police? For what? A quick buck?"

Hairpiece pressed a finger to his chin. "Well gee," he said in a facetious tone. "When you say it like that, I kind of sound like an asshole."

"You _are_ an asshole!"

Amethyst laughed. "Man, I NEVER thought I would hear Pearl say 'asshole'. You must've really steamed her!"

"Excuse my language," Pearl muttered, glaring now at Amethyst, "but it's true. You're a sick, twisted, despicable man and I hope very bad things happen to you in the future."

Lapis raised an eyebrow. "You 'hope' bad things happen to him? We can just MAKE bad things happen to him, right now."

"No, we can't."

"We aren't going to fight back?" Lapis asked as Pearl allowed herself to be handcuffed. An FBI officer grabbed Lapis and roughly turned her about-face, and began cuffing her as well. "Hey, get off of me!"

"We're going to have to find another way out of this," Pearl sighed. "We're Crystal Gems. We're not going to bring any harm to the humans we pledged to protect."

Lapis glared at the agent who was tightly restraining her wrists. "Well, that's awkward, because _I'm_ not a Crystal Gem," she said before elbowing Mr. Not-A-Narc, which took him by surprise.

" _Lapis!"_ Pearl shouted in horror.

With the breath knocked out of him, he didn't have time to react before Lapis punched him square in the jaw, the handcuffs dangling from the one wrist he'd managed to lock them on. Summoning moisture from the ground, she created a razor-sharp band of water and slashed the handcuffs from her wrist, just as agents began firing at her. She expanded band of water into a large barrier, which was about six inches thick. Numerous bullets passed through the water wall, reducing their velocity just slightly. Lapis quickly manipulated the particles in the water to momentarily turn the barrier into a solid, which was enough to reduce the bullets' speed enough that they would have been harmless even to a squishy, vulnerable human. After they finally exited the water wall, the bullets simply fell to the ground.

Lapis turned around and set her sights on the fortified building across the road. "I hate this planet, 'member?" she said to Pearl as she took off, bullets following her as she flew towards the compound.

"Damn it!" Hairpiece yelled. "She got away!"

"Don't you worry about it, Mr. Hairpiece," Mueller said as his team finished restraining Ruby, Amethyst, and Pearl. "You did the right thing by calling us. We'll handle the rest."

"I hope you're happy with yourself," Pearl said in disgust, nearly spitting on Hairpiece. "I swear, sometimes I don't see what Rose saw in humans. What's the point in protecting you all if you're just going to blow yourselves up, anyway?"

One agent had some serious objections. "Hey. Americans do NOT blow themselves up. Other countries do that. WE blow up hospitals in Syria via remote drone strike."

"Yes. I'm aware," Pearl said plainly.

"You are under arrest, you have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law, etcetera…" another officer read off as the team led the Crystal Gems away.

Hairpiece scowled for a moment—then, as soon as everyone was gone, smiled. "Heh. Everything's going according to plan," he said as he stared down at the compound.

* * *

Steven, Sapphire, and Connie arrived outside the New Progressive Party's headquarters. They hid in the bushes and surveyed the area.

"Look!" Connie pointed to the door. "The door's wide open! This is going to be a piece of—" Sapphire stopped her from moving forward, then pointed towards the sky. The trio looked up, and, sure enough, a black military helicopter flew overhead, bearing a United States call sign. Sapphire then motioned towards the road, where they could see several law enforcement vehicles approaching—each one had a Capital City Exempt license plate, meaning the driver was a government employee. Why members of the U.S. Federal Government were here was totally lost on Connie, until Sapphire then pointed her to the roof of the building.

One of the security snipers had his back turned, and the letters "F.B.I." were emblazoned on his vest. Connie squinted, almost as if to confirm what she was seeing.

"What's the FBI doing here?" she asked.

"We're walking into a trap," Sapphire concluded. "They knew we'd be here. I'm going to guess that there isn't a single member of the New Progressive Party in that building."

"Wait, if the Feds are here, then that means…" Steven gasped. "Peridot! She's walking right into a trap!"

"Bingo. We need to get to City Hall."

"Ok," Steven said, "but we have to be sneaky. If we get caught, we'll–" he was cut off as he bumped right into a nearby FBI operative. "...end up… in jail… ah."

Three more federal agents surrounded the trio, and they were subsequently arrested.

"We're kids!" Connie yelled as she and Steven were cuffed. "You can't arrest us! I demand to speak to an attorney! You know you HAVE to let us speak to an attorney, right?"

The agent shrugged. "Actually, we were just gonna call your parents and send you on the next flight home."

Connie's eyes widened. "That's even worse!"

The agent glared at Sapphire. "You, though, YOU'RE going to federal prison."

"Oh no."

Steven groaned. "Can you loosen these handcuffs? My wrists are chafing."

"Lose some weight, fatass, the handcuffs are chafing because they're meant for regular sized hands," the agent said in response. Steven frowned.

"Awwww. Now my wrists AND my feelings are hurt."

As the agent led the trio to his car, Steven glanced back and forth, before quickly shape shifting his hands to a much smaller size and slipping out of his handcuffs. "Sorry, guys. I'll come back for you later, I promise!" he whispered to the other two.

"Go, we'll be fine," Sapphire whispered back. "Peridot needs your help."

Connie glared. "Steven! Steven, do NOT leave us to get sent to federal prison!"

"It'll just take a second!" Steven whispered, a genuinely apologetic look on his face as he backed away towards the main road. "I'll be back soon!"

The federal agent noticed something was amiss. "Hey, what the— HEY!" He turned to Steven, who was now making his leave. "Get back here! If you don't stop where you are right now, I'm going to call your mom and it'll be super embarrassing and you'll have to be picked up and all of the other kids will laugh at you!"

Steven turned back to face his would-be captor. "I am my mom." He turned back around and ran towards the city.

"What?! You can't be your own mom, kid, that's against the law! I think."

Connie glared in the direction that Steven ran off to as she and Sapphire were ushered to the SUV. "He chose Peridot over us. Unbelievable."

"Well, Peridot IS in more immediate danger."

"What would you do if RUBY did that?"

Sapphire sighed. "Ruby wouldn't do that, that's what worries me sometimes. She'd immediately run towards me regardless of whether or not it was a smart idea at the time. That's what happens when you spend so long fused with someone, you can't live without them." Sapphire shrugged. Immediately afterwards, she and Connie were tossed into the back of the SUV, but they resumed their conversation as if nothing had happened. "It's not a bad thing, necessarily, but it does lead to some… complications, sometimes. Steven has the benefit of having fused with more than one person, so he isn't as easily attached to his partners."

"Oh, yeah, Amethyst too, right?"

"Yup. And Peridot."

Connie's eyes shot wide open. "What?!"

"Whoops."

"They did WHAT?!" Connie yelled. "And after what I read in Peridot's diary…"

"Don't you trust Steven?"

"Of course I do. It's PERIDOT I don't trust!" Connie groaned as her rational side kicked in. "Agh, not that I can really blame her. She doesn't understand what she's getting into. She doesn't KNOW the SIGNIFICANCE of when you… care about someone the way I care about Steven."

"The word you're looking for is 'love'," Sapphire corrected. "And Peridot certainly has feelings for Steven, which I understand, is cause for concern. But she wouldn't intentionally do anything malicious to anyone. That includes you. You know that."

"I know," Connie said, mentally berating herself.

"Peridot's made some… questionable decisions, recently. But none of it was without noble intent."

"I know. I know."

Sapphire paused. She saw something in the future; since last year, which saw her making the wrong predictions on the outcomes of Brexit, the 2016 Presidential Election, several elections across Europe including that of France, Germany, Italy, and the United Kingdom, and, most recently, Beach City's mayoral election, she had come to doubt her ability to predict certain distant events, and she tried not to give any one possible timeline more credence than the other. Maybe she was getting old, or maybe this planet was getting more unpredictable as time passed, but it seemed like anything was possible. At this point, Sapphire was even willing to concede that Kanye West could very well see himself inaugurated in 2021.

This time however, one timeline seemed far more likely than the others. "Ooh. In any case, I have a feeling Peridot's going to forget all about her little crush on Steven soon."

"What makes you say that?"

* * *

The sky darkened as storm clouds formed over Island City. Puerto Rico couldn't escape Lapis Lazuli, an extratropical badass taking a very rare north-south path to put some federally funded bitches in the ground. A menace was descending on the residence of Mayor Guadalupe and if a single _hair_ on Peridot's head was out of place, nobody was leaving alive.

With that being said, Lapis supposed it would reflect badly both on herself and on her friends if she did, in fact, "put some federally funded bitches in the ground", so she resolved simply to kick their asses for the time being.

The asses in question, of course, were the two security guards she'd just dispatched in a very Three Stooges-esque manner, smacking their helmets together so she could move forward while they lay in a dazed state. With them out of the way, Lapis was able to kick open the door to the compound. Finding herself in the front lobby, Lapis was confronted by three more private security guards.

"Hey, you! Hands where I can see them!" one of them yelled.

"Oh, alright," Lapis said, glaring as she raised a hand forward. That guard really should have worded his command better. Sitting next to him was a Deer Park water cooler, so Lapis simply levitated the water inside it—and therefore, the entire bottle—and sent it flying into the guards, who went flying like bowling pins. Satisfied, Lapis marched over to her dazed adversaries.

"So. Where's the Mayor?" she asked casually, as if she hadn't just opened a can of whoop-ass on these losers.

"Witch! Demon! Get away from me!" the closest guard said as he backed away.

"Oh, don't be melodramatic," Lapis said, crossing her arms. "I'm JUST a several millennia year-old alien from another galaxy. Not a witch. Witches don't exist. That's just silly."

"Mayor Guadalupe's office is on the third floor! Th-that's where your friends are! Please, don't kill me, I have two kids!"

Lapis blinked. "I wasn't going to KILL you," she excused as she walked toward the stairs. "I mean, I'm not a MONSTER. Sheesh. Jump to conclusions much? Whatever, thanks for the info."

* * *

Peridot and Era III sat in separate chairs opposite Mayor Guadalupe. Something about him… wasn't quite right. Maybe it was the way he talked. Maybe it was his inane hand gestures as he spoke. Maybe it was the way he squinted at everything like he couldn't find his contact lenses this morning. Regardless, it was clear to Peridot that this man was not the efficient leader she was led to believe he was.

"Peri, can I call you Peri?" he asked. Not waiting for an answer, he continued, "Peri, listen, okay, you're terrific, I love you, I love everything you've been doing, but the agreement you've offered me is sad. Okay? It's a total disgrace. A disaster. Island City deserves more. Okay? Island City deserves to prosper, bigly. Okay?"

Peridot struggled to interpret this man's words as anything other than gibberish. "Uh… o-okay, well, the point of the deal is… it's symbolic. We're not actually GIVING you stuff. Our cities share, uh… demographics. And our industries are largely the same. It's a symbol of friendship, and shared business ties. Beach City is home to quite a few unique family restaurants, found nowhere else in the country. I'm sure they'd be thrilled to open new locations in you—"

"But you and I aren't friends," Guadalupe corrected. "Listen, Pam—can I call you Pam? Pam, the bottom line. I'm about to give it to you. Okay? I hate English. I hate everything about it. Okay? I'm speaking English right now because, frankly, I'm almost certain your Spanish is disastrous. Okay? Completely incomprehensible, that's what it probably is. Or not. Who knows? We can't bet on ifs or buts, but if there's a language barrier, okay, you need to make an effort to get on my level."

Peridot tilted her head. "I—I can't even begin to pick that apart. Regardless, my friend here speaks fluent Spanish as well as English, so if you'd prefer—"

"Patrick—can I call you Patrick? Patrick, no American can speak Spanish the way a Puerto Rican can. Okay? Let me tell you, before I was elected mayor, I ran a business. Okay? It was a very successful business, and let me tell you something about successful businesses—"

"Mayor Guadalupe," Peridot interrupted. "I know a thing or two about successful business. Okay?" Peridot realized something right then, and slowly brought her right hand into an "okay" sign. If she was going to talk TO an idiot, she needed to talk LIKE an idiot. "Mayor, let me tell you something. Okay? Frankly, I've seen some of the things the government did to this city. Okay? It's a total disaster, sir, and if you want your economy to improve, uh, b- 'bigly', you need our help. Okay? The Pizzas are fantastic people. Okay? Just fantastic. Their recipes? The best. Nobody makes pizza like them. Nobody. The Fryman family? Even better. Okay? If you want to make Island City great again, you need to start small. Okay. Opening specialty restaurants in Puerto Rico which focuses on our branding will provide a greater source of income for families back in Beach City, meaning they can expand to other cities in Puerto Rico and abroad, while also providing jobs here in Island City to help rebuild the economy. Okay? You ever see that documentary on McDonald's?"

"The one where the guy eats everything on the menu and then blames other people when he gets sick?"

"No, no, the one that talks about franchising," Peridot corrected. "I can provide funding to the Pizzas and the Frymen so that they can open a second restaurant, here in Island City—"

Suddenly, the door was kicked open, and Lapis ran in. "Peridot! Peridot, are you in here?"

Era III raised her hand excitedly. "I'm here! I'm here!"

"Not you, MY Peridot."

"Oh." Era III pouted and crossed her arms. "I mean, sure, fine, whatever, I don't want to be your Peridot anyway."

Peridot stood up from her seat—not that it mattered, since she was so short, she was actually taller in the chair. "Lapis? What are you doing here?! You and Steven need to—"

"Peridot, we were set up," Lapis explained. "Ruby, Amethyst, and Pearl were captured."

"What?! By who?"

"The FIB, or something." Lapis didn't actually know what the FBI was. "That human organization you told us not to get caught by. And it's not just them. They said they got everyone in Beach City, too, and the President, and all of HIS cronies. And they've got people waiting for us back home. The barn and be temple are both crawling with the enemy, I think."

"Jeez!" Peridot exclaimed, placing a hand to her forehead. "Have they gone INSANE? The FBI isn't- wait. Where are Steven, Connie, and Sapphire?"

"Huh?"

"You were supposed to be in Team Blackmail. Where are the others? And furthermore, why was Ruby with Amethyst and Pearl?"

"I didn't trust the other Peridot, okay? I deviated from the plan to make sure you wouldn't get hurt. So… I guess it's my fault the FBI was able to get all of us. I have no idea what happened to Steven's team. I'm sure they're fine."

Era III raised an eyebrow. "Um. Okay. Rude."

Peridot's stressed look seemed to soften. "Wait, you took charge… to protect me?"

"Of course I did," Lapis said. "I know I don't really show it very often, but… Ugh, I care about you, okay? I care about you a lot."

Peridot smiled wide, and her pupils dilated almost comically as she stared up at her hero. "Lapis…"

Era III frowned. "Hold on just a minute! Why did you think I would have ANY interest in harming Peridot?"

Lapis blinked. "I thought you were a Crystal Gem in disguise."

Era III recoiled in disgust. "Why, I never– excuse me?! Miss, that just might be the most OFFENSIVE insult I have ever been dealt! I've never felt so ATTACKED in my life! For starters, you SAW me land on Earth just weeks ago, not to mention the fact that the Crystal Gems have cast aside their allegiance to their diamonds, and I still have Yellow Diamond's insignia emblazoned on my jumpsuit! Even my chest buoyancies are kind of diamond shaped, depending on how you look at them and how loose your definition is!"

Lapis narrowed her eyes in confusion. "Chest buoyancies?"

Peridot groaned and stared at the floor in shame. "It's what we call our… uh, upper torso. The parts that humans seem to ogle over a lot." Lapis groaned in disgust. "I know, I know. ...it's childish."

Era III was about to continue her rant. "Furthermore…" she trailed off as she realized something. "You said that a bunch of humans captured the others, right?"

Lapis blinked. "Uh. Yeah?"

"So… You escaped?"

"Yeah?"

Era III's eyes slowly widened. "Did they follow you?"

She got her answer shortly afterwards, when three FBI operatives came into the room, each one entering through a different window. "Hands where we can see them!" one yelled. Mueller entered through the front door shortly afterwards.

"Why do they always run?" he sighed. "Okay, Speedy Gonzalez, for god's sake PLEASE don't run again. It just makes things harder."

"Up yours," Lapis muttered, her hands in the air.

Peridot—whose hands were also in the air—chuckled nervously. "O-officer, please, are the assault weapons necessary?"

"Yes. Your friend here beat the snot out of every private security guard in the compound."

"She did?!" Peridot exclaimed, before sighing dreamily. "Oh, she did? That's really cool."

Mueller scoffed. "Yes, well, she's going to jail for it, so—"

"What the hell are the FBI doing raiding my compound?" Guadalupe questioned. "Do you idiots have a warrant?"

"We don't need a warrant, we're the FBI. We can come and go as we please. In fact, you're under arrest too, just because I'm in a bad mood."

"Oh, shit!" Guadalupe tried to find a way out, but he was immediately tasered. "AGH! Witch hunt! This is a witch hunt!" he shouted as he fell to the ground, convulsing as electricity shot through his body.

Mueller raised an eyebrow. "Anyone else feel like running?"

Suddenly, Steven ran into the room, pushing past Mueller as he approached the Peridots and Lapis. "Guys! The FBI's onto us! They-!" Steven glanced over at the several FBI operatives who were already in the room. "Oh, jeez, can I try that one again?"

Mueller shook his head and groaned. "Everyone on this planet is a goddamn moron, I swear to Christ."

"Steven! Bubble!" Peridot shouted. Steven complied and raised his bubble. Several agents reacted by firing their weapons, to no avail. The force from the several rounds hitting the bubble pushed the group backwards. Steven stuck his tongue out.

"We win!" he yelled as the bubble crashed through the window. Mueller gasped and ran out to the balcony, where he saw that his would-be captives were currently free-falling into the ocean below.

"Haha! Plan B!" Peridot shouted. She gave Mueller a mocking glare and also stuck her tongue out as Lapis summoned her wings and grabbed Peridot and Steven in each hand—Era III held onto Peridot's leg. "Always have a Plan B, you CLOD!"

Laois flew away, as Steven and Peridot continued to blow raspberries at the FBI. Mueller glared. "Damn it!" he shouted as he tossed his weapon onto the ground.

* * *

Era III stared at the ground below as it rushed past. "I didn't know you had a Plan B…" she muttered.

Peridot shrugged the arm that wasn't holding onto Lapis. "We didn't. I just said that to piss him off."

"Really, it was more like a general operation we've been rehearsing for about a year," Steven admitted. "We figured, at SOME point, me and Peridot and Lapis would end up with our backs against a cliff while the enemy—"

Era III narrowed her eyes. "Also, since when could humans form protective bubbles?" She lost her train of thought, however, as her grip began to slip. Her eyes widened. "Uh. Slipping. Slipping!"

Peridot shot her a worried look. "Lapis, we need to land."

Lapis complied, and the group took a breather on a hill away from the main roadway. Peridot stared as a line of police vehicles drove past, sirens blaring as they continued on their way to the compound. "Sheesh. Glad we got out of there."

Steven already had his phone out. "Twitter's blowing up. The President got arrested, the FBI is all over the place, Beach City's a mess…"

Peridot sighed. "So we just made everything worse."

"The others are in jail, too," Lapis muttered. "So… what do we do now?"

Peridot sat down and stared out at the city. "I have no idea. I don't know how to fix this."

Era III cracked her knuckles and sat down next to Peridot. "Well, the only thing we can do now is find the traitor, kill her, then cut our losses and ditch Earth. Whatever your mission here was, it isn't worth the trouble." She pulled a small device out of her pocket. "I have a communicator, we can get in touch with Homeworld and—"

Peridot gasped and grabbed the device. "Get this thing out of here!" she shouted in fear as she tossed it as far as possible. A car ran it over shortly afterwards, effectively destroying the device.

"Hey!" Era III yelled. "What the heck's your problem, are you stupid or something?!"

"It's just… Us Peridots are self-sufficient! We don't need HELP!"

"We do if help is the only way off this rock, jackass!" Era III shouted back. "Now how are we supposed to report back to Our Diamond?"

"Ahhhh, pfft. Whatever. We'll figure that out later."

Steven glanced back and forth nervously between the two Peridots. "Peridot…" he muttered, realizing this conversation was about to go to a very bad place.

"You know, I'm starting to think you have NO intention of helping me complete my mission!" Era III accused. "And I know why!"

"You do?"

"Yeah! You're lazy!"

Peridot narrowed her eyes. "Oh, you did not just go there."

"Oh yes I did just go there!" Era III yelled. She approached Peridot and repeatedly poked her chest with an accusing finger. "These humans made you SOFT, SQUISHY, FAT, and LAZY. And FAT. You don't want to get up off your fat ass anymore, you don't want to do ANYTHING that requires any work, and you don't want to leave your comfortable make-believe life to go do your duty!"

"Yeah! You're right!" Peridot responded. "WHY would I want to leave a comfortable situation to do a job that I HATE?"

"BECAUSE IT'S YOUR JOB! You think I like my job? No, of COURSE I don't, but SOMEBODY has to do it!"

"That's stupid!"

"YOU'RE stupid!"

Peridot growled and pounced her newer counterpart. The two wrestled pathetically on the ground for a bit, yelling at each other and calling each other names while they clawed at each other's faces.

"Clod!"

"Fatass!"

"Idiot!"

"Deserter!"

Finally, Steven jumped between them.

"Guys!" he yelled. "Come on! This isn't the time for this!"

Era III growled. "Yeah, you know what? Let's focus on YOU, 'human'. How did you summon that bubble?"

"He's a magician!" Peridot defended. "Leave him alone!"

"Impossible! Magicians defy all logic."

Lapis raised an eyebrow. "I'm sorry, is that where we draw the line? Magicians?"

"No, we draw the line at HUMANS being magicians!" Era III barked. "The Steven is the ONLY human I've seen since landing on this planet with these so-called 'magician abilities'. Where are the other magicians?"

"Vegas," an uninvited fifth voice answered. Slowly, everyone turned to the source of the noise.

Tim Hairpiece stood several yards away, glaring at Peridot. "The FBI failed in capturing you, I see."

Lapis assumed a defensive stance and stood in front of Peridot. "What did you expect? A surrender?"

Hairpiece shrugged and continued to glare. "I expected them to use Steven as leverage. He was supposed to be captured too, but I guess if Mueller can't even nail that idiot in the White House, he can't get you behind bars either."

"What are you talking about?" Peridot questioned. "President Garrison was arrested today."

"Yeah, and do you REALLY think his charges are going to stick?" Hairpiece spat. "The man's lawyer is using the Chewbacca Defense for god's sake, that prosecution panel is going to let him off the hook next Wednesday at ten."

Steven hummed. "Huh. That's kind of specific."

"But you? Ohhh, no, you're not going to get away that easy," Hairpiece continued. "I tried everything I could to discredit you. I showed people your stupid Homeworld tapes, I published your YouTube watch history, ran a million different stories defaming you, made a big deal out of EVERY stupid Tweet on your stupid Twitter account—you know you tweet the dumbest shit, sometimes?"

Peridot looked indignant. "I have 141 THOUSAND followers!"

"They're laughing AT you, not WITH you, you self-centered assclown!"

"Rude."

"Finally, I tried to last thing I could," Hairpiece continued. "I thought that if you embarrassed yourself at a Freedom Day celebration, you'd be disgraced into resigning. So I drugged that drink, and you made an ASS of yourself."

Peridot's eyes widened. "Wait… You added an extra ingredient into that drink? THAT'S why I lost control? Why I acted like a drunken lunatic, why I made a fool of myself, and why I…" she looked over at Steven. "You almost destroyed my friendship with Steven! That's the most unforgivable crime of all!"

"Yeah, that weird fusion thing you do sure was something," Tim commented. "Wasn't expecting that."

Era III blinked. "Wait. What?"

"Oh, so I see you've finally caught on," Hairpiece chuckled. "The last horse crosses the finishing line. Peridot isn't WITH you. She doesn't align herself with your stupid home planet, anymore! A gem with any self-respect wouldn't do the things she does!"

"You chemically altered her behaviors," Era III accused, her eyes narrowed. "This Peridot is a lot of things, human, but a traitor, she is NOT."

"Oh really?" Hairpiece questioned. "Tell me this, then. Where IS the traitor, who ALSO happens to be an Era II Peridot?"

Era III nearly answered, before realizing she didn't have an answer. She stuttered for a moment before glancing back at Peridot. "I… I don't know. It doesn't matter, right now." Era III glared back at Tim. "What matters is that YOU'RE our most immediate threat right now, and we're going to make you pay for your weird grudge against her."

Peridot blinked. "Yeah, what DO you have against me?"

Tim Hairpiece glared at the group. "Does the name 'Tammy Hairpiece' ring a bell?"

A beat of silence occurred, followed by a sharp "no" from Peridot.

"Tammy Hairpiece is my daughter," Tim explained. "For her fifth birthday, I took her to Beach City. Everything was great! It was the best birthday party she ever had, and I was the coolest dad in the universe.

"Then, YOUR space ship showed up," Hairpiece pointed an accusing finger at Peridot. "Everyone had to evacuate town and the party was ruined. For weeks, my daughter told me I threw her the lamest birthday party ever—"

"SERIOUSLY?!" Peridot yelled. "THAT'S your vendetta against me? I ruined your daughter's crappy birthday party?! You're acting like I killed her or something!"

"It wasn't crappy, it was totally sweet and everyone loved it!" Hairpiece defended. "Now she thinks I'm the lamest dad ever because you ruined it!"

"That's not my problem," Peridot scoffed.

"Peridot!" Steven scolded. "Have some compassion. His daughter thinks he's super lame."

"I don't _care!"_ Peridot yelled. "This guy's a maniac!"

"But still, you persisted," Hairpiece continued with the story nobody really cared about at this point. "Despite my best efforts, you made it to the top. So it's time for plan B. Have you ever heard of the John Kennedy Treatment, Peridot?" As he said this, a news crew approached the scene in vans.

"You're going to shoot me in front of all of these cameras?" Peridot asked, unamused.

"Oh, no, no no no no, of course not," Hairpiece said. "I'm going to CRUSH you in front of all of these cameras."

"What?"

Tim stepped behind a van. Loud, mechanical whirring could be heard, but nobody could see what he was doing. "In 1984, President Reagan ordered the Department of Defense to begin drafting plans for an all-new military project, one which would bring an end to the Cold War once and for all," Tim continued as this went on. "Operation: Bruce Banner, as it became known, had one goal—to SMASH communism. Of course, the government had no clue just HOW to smash communism. Then, it hit them; anime tropes make the world go 'round. So with the help of some Japanese scientists, the Department of Defense created a weapon to surpass all conventional warfare. In 2015, the Obama Administration declassified all documents relating to the weapon, and now my organization possesses a prototype, re-built from the ground up."

Peridot gasped as she watched the scene unfold. Tim truly was a madman, as was evidenced by what she was seeing. Tim stepped out from behind the van, and our heroes each took a step back.

"Peridot, Lapis Lazuli, Steven Universe…" Hairpiece began, now addressing a camera crew from atop his mechanical trump card. "And, most importantly, our audience at home. Tonight is a very special night in television history." Hairpiece turned towards our heroes and started to march forward. "I am proud to present a first for American television."

Everyone could now see fully the news broadcaster's new toy; a giant mech suit, which left him towering over our heroes, ready to squash them like the pests they were. "The Mayor of Beach City and her worthless friends will now partake in the first ever televised battle between a politician… And a giant robot."

Hairpiece struck a dramatic pose in his new mech suit, leaving everyone around him stunned. Steven swallowed the lump in his throat and glanced at his friends. Era III held onto Peridot for safety, Peridot held on to Steven, and Steven wrapped his arms around Lapis' legs, since she was the tallest.

"Okay. NOW can we beat him up?" Lapis asked.


	14. Chapter 14: Peridot vs Fake News

"Can we leave, now?" Amethyst groaned as she flopped onto the rather uncomfortable bed in her cell. "We've been here for, like, a whole HOUR now, I think we learned our lesson." After a moment of silence, she glanced back up at the warden. "Tu hablar ingles?" she asked, which was followed by a glare from the warden. Pearl rolled her eyes.

"You didn't conjugate properly," she said. "The proper way to say that is—"

"Don't care," Amethyst said as she laid her head back on the pillow. "Jail sucks."

Garnet shrugged. "We'll be out of here soon." Really, she was just happy to be together again—Ruby and Sapphire were apart for too long.

Connie walked up to the bars and started yelling out at the warden. "Hey! You! Let us out of here!"

"He doesn't speak English," Amethyst recapped.

"Oh, I do," the warden responded. "I've just been ignoring you."

"Hey, yo, WHAT?!" Amethyst hopped off the bed and ran to the bars as well. "Hey, let us out of here!" Pearl groaned and placed a hand over her face.

"I really hope Steven and Peridot are okay," Pearl said, watching as Amethyst and Connie heckled the warden. She glanced at a small television on the warden's desk, and raised an eyebrow. "Oh, no," she muttered.

Connie glanced back at Pearl, confused. "What?" Pearl directed everyone's attention to the television. Connie's annoyed glare was replaced with a look of worry as she realized what was on the screen. "Uh oh."

* * *

"Good evening, viewers!" Tim Hairpiece greeted the audience from atop his mech, rain beginning to fall behind him. "Welcome back! In case you missed it before the break, I'm about to kill this mayor on live television."

"You'll never get away with this!" Peridot yelled. "The FBI's gonna lock you up too, you realize that, right?"

Hairpiece shrugged. "Television personalities can do whatever they want. Whether they own a media organization or host _Celebrity Apprentice_ , we're ALL exempt from the law." He stepped forward, the ground shaking as a large mechanical leg landed in front of our heroes. "We'll NEVER get what's coming to us. Welcome to America, Peridot."

Lapis yawned. "Okay, I'm bored now." She withdrew a large amount of moisture from the clouds above her and began to form a large, watery arm to crush Tim's cute little robot—before she could, however, she was crushed herself, poofing instantly when a large robotic fist came down on top of her, narrowly missing Peridot and Steven by inches. Both stared, eyes wide, as the fist was lifted and only Lapis' gem remained.

"Wow, he's strong," Era III commented. "Now, I don't know about you two, but I suggest we run. Now."

Peridot grabbed Lapis' gem and immediately bubbled it. Looking up, she saw Tim raise the mech's arm once again, and, in one panicked motion, sent it back to the barn. She knew Lapis would be annoyed upon being released, since she has a few bad experiences with being trapped in confined spaces, but Peridot had bigger things to worry about right now. Once the bubble was safe and out of sight, Peridot grabbed Steven and Era III's arms and they ran, getting away just as the fist hit the ground.

"Peridot!" Steven yelled, breathing heavily as he ran. "How are we going to fight this guy?!"

"I thought YOU knew!" Peridot yelled back. "You're the brave one!"

"You're the _mayor!_ "

"I think we can outrun him," Era III interjected. She turned her head slightly to see just how much distance they'd gained, and saw that the mech was covering just as much ground. She shrieked and ran faster, blurting profanities as she passed Steven and Peridot.

"I never thought I'd die getting crushed by a giant robot!" Steven yelled. "I mean, I always wanted to fight a giant robot, but I thought I'd have my own, first!"

"If we make it out of this alive, I'll build you one for your birthday!" Peridot responded. "I hate politics! I never should have gotten involved Steven, I'm sorry, this whole mess is my fault!"

"Hey, come on!" Steven yelled, still struggling to breathe and still running. "You didn't know any of this was going to happen! You meant well, so what if nothing turned out right? It's like my dad always says; if every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn't have Trump Steaks!"

"I don't understand the metaphor!" Peridot said as the group came to a main road.

"It's a simile, actually!" Era III corrected, looking back behind her to see that the mech was still very much behind them. "Although, I'm not familiar with 'pork chops' or Trump Steaks. ...This human is persistent! You really pissed him off! If only we could take out his metal suit, then he would be nothing!"

Peridot's eyes widened as she realized something. "That's it! Metal! I can manipulate metal objects with my mind!"

"Really? That's cool! All I have is this dumb old hand-mounted drill," Era III responded, summoning her weapon to prove the point. "Great for shattering! Not great for much else."

"Come on, guys! Follow me!" Peridot yelled. "I have an idea!" She led the group into a branching path, which led to a much narrower street. Tim's mech had a hard time navigating here.

"You won't get away that easy," he yelled. "Smile for the camera, Peridot! You're going to want your obituary photo to look good!"

* * *

Pearl had joined Amethyst and Connie in demanding to be let out. "Let us out of here right this instant!" she yelled. "Our friends are in danger!"

"Oh yeah?" the warden sneered. "And what if I don't?"

"We're just gonna bust out anyway," Amethyst reasoned, leaning against the bars. "But if you let us out now, we won't have to break your stuff."

"Exactly!" Pearl agreed. "That brick wall looks really nice, we really don't want to have to knock it down."

"Show me the hoooooole in the wall!" Amethyst shouted as she started punching the wall.

"Hey, cut that out," the warden scolded.

"Are ya gonna let us out?"

"No, you're being obnoxious."

"Oh, motherfu- YOU'RE BEING OBNOXIOUS!" Amethyst yelled back. She turned around and resumed attacking the wall. Pearl summoned her spear and also started attacking the wall. Garnet just stood at the wall, staring.

"Aren't you going to help us?" Pearl asked, looking over at Garnet, who was staring at one particular spot on the wall.

"Hmmm…" Garnet hummed. "This is going to be tricky…"

Connie joined the rest of the gems at the wall. "What are you staring at?" she asked.

"You can't just TEAR DOWN a wall," Garnet reasoned. "Otherwise the Great Wall of Canada would have been torn down ages ago. No, you need to look at just the right spot… Aha." Smiling slightly, Garnet knelt down and stared at a single brick. "Have you ever played Jenga, Connie?"

"My mom says Jenga is dangerous."

"If you pull the wrong block, yes," Garnet said, before tugging on the brick, which came out with ease. She stood up and backed up, ready to leave once the wall fell—except that it didn't fall. "Hmm. Let's give it a moment."

Five minutes later, the wall was still standing. Garnet realized she probably pulled a safe brick, and looked back at the other gems. "Who's our worst Jenga player?"

* * *

Tim marched through a now-empty street in San Juan, Puerto Rico's capital. Peridot was hiding from him, but she wouldn't be able to hide for long. "Come out, come out, wherever you are…" he yelled into the empty streets, searching for his prey with an almost hungry look in his eyes. "I'm getting real sick of you dodging consequences, Peridot. Come on. Face me!"

"Hey, human!"

Hairpiece turned his head and saw one of the Peridots—the Era III, it looked like—standing in alleyway.

"You smell bad!" Era III yelled. Her eyes widened when Tim directed his mech to follow. He took the bait, which meant she needed to start running, because that mech was hella fast. "Shit! Shit! Shit!" she yelled obscenities as she tripped over her own feet trying to lead the entertainer towards her allies, who were standing at the other end of the alleyway.

"Is he following you?" Peridot asked, not even glancing from her phone.

"YES!" Era III shouted. "Yes, he's right behind me, do you know what you're doing, yet?"

"Yup, okay, so it says here on the website that there are three supporting screws, one located on each of the legs and one where the butthole is supposed to be. If we can remove those, the mech comes apart."

"All of that is on the White House website?" Steven asked. "I thought all of that was supposed to be, you know, secret."

"Yeah but when something gets declassified they just upload the whole thing on their Amazon server as a PDF," Peridot responded. She shifted slightly so Steven could see. "See, look, 73 pages of robot. Sure, they blacked out some stuff, like the names of the scientists, but we have the general idea."

"Ohhh. Hey, you think they have stuff on the Kennedy Assassination here?"

"Hmm, I don't know, let's see." Peridot began typing into a search bar. "John… F… Kennedy…"

"WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!" Era III shouted. "He's right there!"

Steven and Peridot glanced up and saw that Tim's mech was, indeed, standing right over them. Peridot bookmarked the page for later and put her phone away. "Hello, Tim. Lovely weather we're having!"

"It's raining."

"Huh. So it is. Say, Tim, you really ought to be careful in the rain."

"And why is that?"

Peridot began concentrating her mind on loosening the first screw, which began to leave its hole. "Because… you don't… want… to RUST! Aha!"

Hairpiece, not realizing what Peridot was actually doing, wasn't quite sure why she appeared to be straining herself so hard. Nonetheless, he shrugged and said "Iron rusts. This suit is mostly steel."

"Oh. Well that's…. a… relief… Ah! There we go!" Screw number two down. Just one more to go. Before she could begin to focus on the next screw, however, she was dragged out of the way by Era III to avoid being squashed by a giant metal arm.

"Ok, you're boring me," Tim yawned. "You've stalled for enough time, Peridot."

"Run!" Era III yelled. Peridot and Steven joined her in running into the nearby building, which provided them ample cover—for now. "Why didn't you just toss the whole robot?!"

"I don't want to HURT him," Peridot responded as she, Steven, and Era III darted through the hallways of what appeared to be an apartment building. "Humans are squishy and fragile. I don't want to accidentally kill him or something."

"Why not? He's trying to kill US!"

"It's complicated, you wouldn't understand."

"Understand what?" Era III countered. "What I 'understand' is that, so far, you've very much divorced yourself from the values of Homeworld. I've ignored it for this long, but I want answers, Peridot."

Peridot sighed. "Peridot, I promise I'll tell you everything when this is all over, but now isn't the time. My friends and I, we don't… We don't harm humans, that's all I'll say right now."

"Pfft. You're beginning to sound like a Crystal Gem to me."

"You weren't there during the war, you don't know what a Crystal Gem sounds like."

"Neither do you! You weren't there during the war either."

Suddenly, a giant robot arm crashed through the window and started grabbing at our heroes.

"Jeez Louise!" Steven shouted. "You guys can argue about what Crystal Gems sound like later, now isn't the time!" The trio ran through the halls, and back out into the streets.

"We need to get him to stand still so I can remove that last screw!" Peridot yelled. The trio turned, and began running closer to the center of town, hopping over the hood of a parked car as they crossed the street.

"You know, Peridot," Hairpiece explained as he gave chase, "when I decided I was going to kill you, I was unsure how I was going to do it. At first, I was going to do it the old-fashioned way and just shoot you." Hairpiece grabbed a parked car and tossed it at the fleeing Gems. Peridot countered this by levitating the car and tossing it elsewhere. "Heh. What, you can't do that to me?"

"I don't want to hurt you!" Peridot shouted as she continued to flee.

"Anyway, then I thought it'd be really cool if I got your FRIENDS to shoot you," Hairpiece continued. "But I doubt they'd have done that even if I threatened to kill them myself, so I had to scrap that plan." The robot tripped slightly, as it was missing two of its necessary screws, but Hairpiece was back on his feet in no time. "Have you ever seen any of the Saw movies, Peridot? That was Plan C. I was going to put you in a reverse bear trap."

A look of disgust briefly flashed on Steven's face. "The special effects on that trap were so fake!" Steven yelled back. "And those movies weren't even that good!"

"I bet _Jigsaw_ will be a BLAST!" Hairpiece yelled as he slammed a fist down, which sent another car flying. The car burst into flames the second it hit the ground, forcing the group to move in a different direction. "Anyway, then I settled for the giant robot thing, and—aw, shit, where did you go?"

Peridot, Era III, and Steven all peered around a corner as they tried to figure out a new plan. Peridot let her back slide down the wall as she curled into a fetal position. "Well. This is it. I've killed us all."

"That's not true!" Steven protested. "Peridot, we've fought way worse before."

"YOU'VE fought way worse before, Steven," Peridot responded. She looked back around the corner and watched Hairpiece search the area. "I'm not built for this. He's going to crush me."

"This would be so much easier if you just offed him," Era III complained. "He is the enemy. What good is he to us alive?"

"He has a DAUGHTER."

"So? If she comes looking for revenge, you can take her out too."

"There is something seriously wrong with you."

"No, there's something seriously wrong with YOU!"

"Guys!" Steven yelled. "As much as I love hearing Shelby Rabara argue with herself, we don't have time for this."

"Shelby who?" both Peridots asked simultaneously.

"Ow. Ow, okay, echo," Steven clutched his head. "Listen, Peridots. We need to deal with the task at hand. How in the 'h' are we gonna fix this 's'?"

"Okay, okay, think Peridot, think," Peridot said to herself. "We need to distract him somehow so I can get at that last screw. But how?"

"Maybe we're going about this the wrong way," Steven added. "You need to think about this like a politician. What would a POLITICIAN do to distract a media personality?"

Peridot placed a finger to her chin. "Gee, I don't know," she muttered. "We need to distract Tim from something that actually matters to him. What would a politician—say, the President—do to rile up the media and distract from issues that actually matter?"

Suddenly, Steven and Peridot smiled. They knew _exactly_ what to do.

* * *

Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, and Connie stood at the wall, which, despite now sporting several holes, was still standing. As it turned out, they were all terrible at this; that is to say, they were all _amazing_ at Jenga, but being good at Jenga was more of a detriment in this particular situation.

"Honestly, I'm not sure what you expected," Pearl said, crossing her arms as Garnet removed yet another brick from the wall. "This wall is probably several layers thick. Removing bricks is going to get us nowhere." She paused as she heard a set of keys jangle. The rest of the Crystal Gems turned around to see the warden unlocking the door.

"Alright, you four can go," he said. "Get out of my country, you filthy Americans."

"You're letting us go?" Pearl questioned. "Why?"

"You just got pardoned."

"Eh-wha? By who?"

"The President of the United States," the warden responded, before shrugging and returning to watching the big fight. "Technically, he's still my President, so I have to listen to him."

"I thought the President got arrested?" Connie muttered, before grabbing her phone and checking Twitter. "Whaaaat?"

The President (4RealPresident) was somehow tweeting again. One of his most recent tweets read:

 _Those pussy bitch-ass mongoloids at the FBI don't have shit on me—WITCH HUNT!_

This was followed up a few seconds later with:

 _I hereby use my Presidental_ [sic] " _Pardon" Powers to clear myself, as well as my cabinet, the Crystal Gems, and the cabinet of…_

 _...Mayor Peridot of Beach City, DE of all Charges—all very good people!_

 _All this talk of Homeworld Collusion, yet people not looking at most probable candidate. Hillary Clinton?_

* * *

Steven spoke as he typed. "'FAKE NEWS Channel5Hairpiece has been very unfair to Mayor Peridot. Let her be, Tim!' Say, Peridot, how did you get into the President's Twitter account?"

Peridot shot a half-lidded glare at nothing in particular. "His password is 'password'."

"Ah." Steven began typing out another tweet, but slowed to a pause. "Hey, uh, do I HAVE to be this vulgar?"

"Yes! Steven, you HAVE to swear, the future of the PLANET depends on it."

"It's just—"

"These need to be the President's most controversial tweets," Peridot reasoned. "So yes. You have to be vulgar. You have to be offensive. Take political correctness and throw it out the window."

"Alright, alright," Steven relented, and finished out his earlier tweet. "'Terrible Tim Hairpiece really shit the bed last month. Disastrous ratings!'"

Suddenly, Peridot heard the media mogul in question speak up. "What the hell?" he said as an alert tone erupted from his phone. Peridot peered around the corner and watched. "The President's tweeting again? Jeez, his lawyers work fast."

Steven's thumbs got to work as Peridot snuck out into the square. "'It's no wonder Eminem's album sales are in the 'toilet'—his rhymes are shittier than his attitude! Very poor free styling skills!' Aw, that feels really mean, actually. I- I'm gonna delete that one." Steven went to go delete the tweet, and heard Hairpiece laugh.

"Hah! The President just deleted his tweet! Good thing I took a screenshot!" he said, laughing as he went to upload the screenshot of "the President's" very mean tweet about Slim Shady. Steven pouted.

"Aww. Man."

While Hairpiece was distracted, Peridot maneuvered around to the back of the robot and searched for the final screw. "Where is it, where is it, where is it?"

Hairpiece's phone buzzed again. "'Punk bitch Fake News critics consume shit for a living. Sad!' Oh man, I HAVE to write an article on this."

Peridot tsked and shook her head. "Oof, Steven, Steven, Steven," she muttered, "where did you learn to talk like that?"

Another alert tone. Hairpiece raised an eyebrow. "'Peridot, can you hurry up, I'm running out of bad tweets.' What the hell?"

Peridot's eyes widened as Hairpiece turned around and saw her. "Steven!" she yelled, understandably pissed off.

"Sorry!" Steven yelled back. "I meant to text that one to you!" He cringed when Tim swiveled his mechanical arm around and smacked Peridot, who was sent flying. "Peridot!"

Peridot slammed into a nearby building, leaving a very nice Peridot-shaped dent in the wall. "Oof!" Era III also cringed.

"Ouch," she remarked, trying to avert her eyes from the scene. "That—that looked like it hurt."

"Peridot! Are you okay?!"

Tim Hairpiece chuckled and his mech knelt down. He stood over Peridot and continued to taunt her. "Your plan failed, Peridot. Not just this one. ALL of them. Since taking office, you've encountered failure after failure. Nobody trusts you anymore. Not your constituents. Not your cabinet. Not even the Crystal Gems. You're a big. Fat. Failure." He stood up once more and raised both of his mechanical arms. "Goodbye, Peridot. Nobody will miss you."

"PERIDOT!" Steven shouted, before standing up and running towards the scene.

"Steven, what are you doing?!" Era III shouted, too late to stop him.

As the robotic arms fell to deliver the final two blows—one for poofing, one for shattering—Steven slid between its legs. Once he had cleared them, he jumped into the air over Peridot and summoned his shield. His gem began to glow, as did Peridot's, and Tim's mech struck the shield—which was now being levitated in the air. The shield itself shattered moments later, revealing neither Steven nor Peridot holding it up.

It was _them_. _They_ were back.

"Kept you waiting, huh?" the Gem quipped, before levitating the entire robot and moving it out of the way. Steven and Peridot's fusion, although at this point still completely nameless, knew one thing about theirself from their last fused excursion all of those months ago—together, they were powerful, and power was _addictive_. They dropped Hairpiece, who simply glared at them, and turned back towards the building they'd been hiding behind initially.

Era III looked shocked and slightly disgusted, but the fusion didn't care about that right now. They spotted Steven's phone, which was lying on the floor beside the other Peridot, and smirked. "Hey, Siri!" they yelled. An alert tone. "Play 'Power' by Kanye West."

"Playing 'Power' by Kanye West," the synthetic voice responded.

"What the hell is going on here?" Era III questioned, staring at the fusion as the song began to play. Hairpiece mentioned that Peridot had fused, but honestly, she thought he was bluffing. Fusion with a human was impossible. Couldn't be done. And Steven was most definitely human—

The fusion dodged another swipe from a mechanical arm. Their shirt rose as they jumped, revealing their midriff—and a gem. Era III gasped. That was, undeniably, a Rose Quartz gem. But how? Every single Rose Quartz was shattered during the rebellion. The only one left alive—and even she was presumed dead, after being brought to trial on Homeworld, was…

"No way," Era III muttered.

* * *

Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, and Connie dashed down the road, following three police helicopters, five news choppers, and dozens of SWAT vans, all of which were heading to some sort of commotion in the center of San Juan.

"What are the odds Peridot is behind all of this?" Pearl asked.

"100%," Garnet replied. The group was forced to stop as they approached Mueller and several FBI enforcers, who stood in their way. "Step aside, Mueller."

Mueller shrugged. "I don't know how you did it, but you've evaded capture once again. Congratulations." He did as he was told, and stepped aside. "Try not to cause too much property damage, okay? We don't want another Sussex Affair."

"We'll try—" before Garnet could finish her statement, an explosion erupted from the center of town. "...too late."

Mueller sighed and put his hand in his face. "Just… go."

The Crystal Gems awkwardly shuffled past the FBI, every single agent glaring at them as they did so. Pearl began to whistle nonchalantly.

"Well, that— that went well," she said. "I do hope Steven, Peridot, and Lapis are okay."

* * *

Hairpiece's robot rolled to dodge a car which had been thrown at him. The car exploded the second it hit the building behind him. "Sheesh, is every car in San Juan a Pinto, or what?!" He picked up a car of his own and tossed it at the fusion. This car also exploded, because every car in San Juan was, in fact, a Pinto. "You're getting desperate, Peridot! I can tell!"

Tim dashed towards the fusion and slammed his fist down. The blow was blocked by yet another shield—the fusion levitated two of them above their head, protecting them from the hit. Suddenly, the shields shattered, and the fusion raised a large bubble, which blocked yet another blow. They lowered the bubble and countered by picking up the mech and tossing it across the square.

Hairpiece skidded across the floor upon landing, and glared up at the fusion. His eyes widened, however, when they started to run at him, shield on their back. The fusion grabbed their shield and held it in front of them as they slammed into the robot's chest, which sent it flying even further. The mech slammed into a local Big Donut franchise, completely demolishing the building.

"Good thing it was closed," the Fusion muttered as they stared at Hairpiece, who was now pinned beneath the rubble. They smirked and marched over to the corrupt media personality. "You know, Tim, the way I see it, this is actually good for you. Your little Fake News organization can print story after story about how their CEO was brutally attacked by an anti-establishment politician." They sat down next to Tim, who struggled to free himself from the ruined building—something was stuck on his leg. "That'll make a lot of money. Oh yes, your successor is going to be a very rich man indeed. Or woman. Whoever."

"S-successor…?"

The fusion grinned and got closer. "Yes, Tim. Your _successor_. The one who'll take over for you once you're _gone_."

Tim's eyes widened. They… they were really going to kill him! "Y-you wouldn't!" he said, knowing full well that they would. "Neither of you—Peridot OR Steven—you wouldn't do it! You—you don't kill!"

"That IS true, Peridot and Steven aren't down with murder." The fusion got even _closer_ , and her grin looked much, much more sinister. "But I'm not Steven OR Peridot. I think I became something… _entirely new._ "

Hairpiece was now flipping shit, and started struggling even more. "You're bluffing. I can see it in your eyes, you… you're lying to me. ...oh, God, you're not bluffing, are you? Oh- oh god, help! Jesus, help!" He closed his eyes and started to cry—then noticed that his soon to be murderer was laughing.

"Pfffft… Ahahahaha!" The fusion began to laugh hysterically and started rolling on the ground. Shortly afterwards, the fusion came undone and Peridot and Steven took its place, still laughing their asses off.

"He ACTUALLY thought we were going to kill him!" Peridot laughed, wiping a tear from her eye. "We weren't even that convincing!"

Steven could barely speak, he was laughing so hard. "He… he thought… HAHAHAHA!"

Peridot stood up, still laughing. "Oh, man… You are such a WUSS! Did you see him, Steven, grovelling for his life like his imaginary God was gonna do anything?"

"High five!" The two high-fived and kept laughing to themselves, before soon noticing Tim Hairpiece's state of utter disbelief.

"You made me think you were going to kill me," Hairpiece muttered, still in shock. "That is the most unbelievably messed up thing I think anyone has ever done to me. You two are MONSTERS."

Peridot let out an awkward cough. "Well, I think we should go."

Steven nodded. "Right." Tim Hairpiece was a bit of a stick in the mud anyway.

Steven and Peridot started to walk away. Hairpiece struggled some more, and finally managed to free himself from the rubble. "Don't—don't you walk away from me!" he yelled, climbing out of his mech and limping towards Steven and Peridot, his right pant leg soaked in blood. "We're not done here!"

"Tim, take my advice," Steven said, turning back around. "Go to the ER. Your leg looks pretty bad."

"You go to _hell!_ " Hairpiece yelled, drawing a pistol from his jacket's inner pocket. Without thinking, he fired. Steven acted quickly, and surrounded himself in a bubble—this, of course, caused the bullet to ricochet and hit Tim's other leg. He yelled in pain and fell over.

"Oh, jeez!" Steven yelled. "Uh—uh, sorry! I didn't mean to do that!"

"You bastard!" Tim yelled. Well, it was true. Suddenly, the remaining Crystal Gems hopped over him and struck a battle stance.

"Steven! Peridot! Lapis! We're here to… oh." Pearl glanced around the area and surveyed the damage. "I guess you did fine by yourself." Soon after, the police arrived.

"Where's Lapis?" Amethyst asked as Era III came out of her hiding spot and joined the group. She stared at Garnet for an uncomfortable period of time, this being her first time seeing the fusion.

"Nice to meet you, Peridot," Garnet held her hand out. Era III didn't shake it. "Hmm. Where IS Lapis?"

"She's back at the barn," Peridot explained. She watched one of the FBI guys from earlier arrest Hairpiece. "She got hurt during the battle, so I bubbled her gem and sent her home."

"She is gonna be piiiiiissed," Amethyst laughed. "So, uh, what's gonna happen to Tim Stupidname over there?"

Mueller approached the group. "Well, he's racked up quite the rap sheet over the last couple of days. Conspiracy to overthrow the government, obstruction of justice, framing, attempted murder… We've got a lot of evidence to put him away for a very long time."

"I hope his daughter's going to be okay," Peridot sighed.

"Ah. Don't worry about that," Mueller shrugged. "He only had weekend custody. His ex-wife is the one who really takes care of the kids."

"Oh. Well THAT'S a relief."

Steven glanced at Peridot. "Hey, uh, Peridot? How was… uh, how were… did you like that fusion?"

Peridot sighed. "Steven. I feel powerful when I'm with you. And power… scares me. So it was scary."

"...oh."

Peridot put a hand up. "I'm not done. It was scary. BUT. Scary things can be fun. Sometimes. It was scary because it was unfamiliar. So, the only way to make it less scary is to… You know. Get familiar with the concept."

Steven smiled. "Ohhhh. That makes sense!"

Connie stared at her feet sadly. "Good for you guys," she muttered. "I'm really happy for you."

Peridot blinked. She didn't sound happy at _all._ Suddenly, she remembered everything at once. The feelings that the Crystal Gems described as "love", those feelings she felt for Steven way back before the election. They were feelings CONNIE had confided in her before she even ran for office.

Connie… loved Steven. And Peridot knew, that as long as she harbored this crush on him, she was getting in the way of that. That wasn't fair to Connie. And Peridot wasn't about to make Steven choose, either, because that wasn't fair to him.

So she made the choice for him. "Ah, actually, Steven, you and CONNIE haven't really spent much time together since I got elected. When we get back to Beach City, you two should… uh, take some time off."

Connie looked over at Peridot, eyebrows raised. Steven tilted his head. "Are you sure? I'm still willing to help you at City Hall and stuff."

Peridot shrugged. "Eh. I'll be fine. I chose this, you didn't."

"Oh, well, alright then. Hey, Connie, any movies you want to see?"

Connie continued to stare at Peridot, who rolled her eyes and motioned her head towards Steven. "I-uh, _Blade Runner_ looks cool."

"Well there you go!" Peridot said. "Go watch _Blade Runner_."

Pearl frowned. "Hmm. There's still the issue of Puerto Rico. What's going to happen with the Statehood vote?"

"Oh, I wouldn't worry about that," Peridot said. "I have a few ideas."

* * *

Peridot stood onstage in front of both Houses of Congress. She began to sweat as she felt 534 eyes on her—Utah's third congressional seat was still vacant—but nonetheless she stood tall. As tall as she could, anyway, being only about as tall as Danny DeVito. Immediately to her left was Governor Carney, and immediately to her right was the President, who was in the middle of delivering a speech.

"...and so, with the blessing of my very good friend Peridot, I would like to officially sponsor the Crystal Bill," he said, glancing out at several different individual members of Congress. "This piece of bipartisan legislation, crafted by members of both the Democratic and Republican Parties, and their weird fused super-party, does several things.

"First, it provides birthright citizenship to all current members of the Crystal Gems, most of whom have been on Earth for far longer than the United States have been a country." The President looked down at his notes and continued his speech. "With respect the 13th, 14th, and 15th amendments to the Constitution of the United States, as well as the Civil Rights Act of 1964, this bill, if passed, will prohibit the discrimination of Gems in ALL forms at the federal level."

Peridot nodded. That was one problem solved—no matter what happened in the future, regardless of the Statehood of Delmarva, the Crystal Gems could remain at their temple without the government of any state screwing their operations.

"Second, the bill creates legal exemptions for the Crystal Gems, which will allow them to operate on Earth undisturbed by local law."

Problem number two solved. No more worrying about getting thrown in jail for trying to _save the world_.

"Third, the bill protects the statehood of any current state. So, for example, Delmarva will always be Delmarva."

Peridot sighed in relief. Good. That part made it in. Governor Carney owed her big time.

"Finally, the bill implements the steps necessary to allow the United States Territory of Puerto Rico to be admitted into the Union." The President smirked out at the crowd. "And before anyone asks—this is the ONLY bill relating to Puerto Rican statehood that I'll pass. Let me be very clear—if a bill makes it to my desk asking to make Puerto Rico a state, and it DOESN'T contain the first three clauses, I will immediately veto it."

Attach pieces of legislation that people really want to less popular pieces of legislation, kids. It's how you get things done on Capitol Hill.

* * *

After presenting the bill to Congress, Peridot returned home to Beach City, where she would give another speech to the people that elected her, flanked by several members of her cabinet, as well as Lapis and Steven. None of them really seemed enthused, however.

"We can't… uh, let our enemies… bring us down!" Peridot said, not entirely certain what to say. "The media, and… and Congress, and… Uh…"

Everyone in the crowd just seemed to be glaring at her. "I will continue to work towards policies and make decisions that represent YOU! The PEOPLE! Because that's what this is all about. It's all about what the PEOPLE want." She leaned over and whispered to Sadie. "Psst. What's my approval?"

Sadie was handed a clipboard by one of Peridot's other advisers. "Well, this chart right here takes all of the various opinion polls about you that various organizations have run, takes into account biases and other local factors, and provides, with a reasonable margin of error, an average approval index on you."

"Which is?"

Sadie frowned and flipped through several pages. "Negative two percent."

Peridot stared back out at the crowd. "As I was saying, I was elected to represent YOU and YOUR interests, giving the people what THEY want. So… uh, I guess I'm resigning, because that seems to be what you all want." Peridot stood, staring awkwardly at her constituents. "This is the part where you all say, 'no, Peridot, don't go! We need you!'"

"But we don't need you," one citizen pointed out. "We were actively better off without you."

"Yeah, well, the joke's on you!" Peridot yelled, her face turning red. "Because according to the City Charter, when the incumbent mayor resign, we have to have special election to choose a new one, so you guys have to go through ALL OF THAT all over again! Haha! I win again! Not the election, of course, I'm finished with politics, but I win in every other aspect!"

"Okay Peridot, I think it's time to—"

"Now hold on Steven, I'm not done." Peridot took in a rather deep breath and began to immaturely blow raspberries at the people of Beach City. This went on for about a minute before she ran out of breath.

"...are you done now—"

Peridot resumed blowing raspberries for another full minute. "Clods!" she shouted before finally leaving the podium, taking Steven and Lapis with her.

Former Mayor Dewey arrived and took her place. "Everyone give it up for Peridot, I guess… Anyway, like she said, a special election will be held to determine her successor, and I am proud to announce that I will be running for re-election!"

Peridot, Steven, and Lapis heard a disappointed "Awwwwww…" erupt from the crowd.

"They don't sound happy," Lapis observed. "I guess it's not just you, EVERY politician sucks."

"But hey, I bet you learned a pretty big lesson from all of this!" Steven said, stars in his eyes. Peridot shook her head.

"Steven. I didn't learn anything," she said. "I learned no lessons. I will not make more informed decisions in the future. Tomorrow I'm going to come up with an equally ridiculous scheme to get something I want, and there'll be conflict, and I'll almost die, we'll get through it with the power of 'friendship', and I'll SAY I learned a lesson, but we both know I'm lying through my teeth."

"Oh." After a brief moment of silence, Steven gave Peridot an annoyed look. "Well, can't you at least PRETEND you learned something?"

"Ugh, fine. I… learned to leave politics to the politicians. Or something."

"Yay, we learned a lesson!" Steven yelled, grabbing Peridot in a tight hug. They met up with Era III, who was waiting for them outside the temple.

"Hey. Can I speak to the Era II?" she asked, glaring slightly at Peridot. " _Alone._ "

Steven and Lapis each shot Peridot a worried glance. However, she nodded for them to leave, and they knew at this point it was impossible to convince her to find any alternatives. The two entered the temple, leaving the Era II and the Era III Peridots alone.

"Come on, Peridot," Era III said. "Let's go for a walk."

Peridot swallowed a lump in her throat, but did as she was told, and followed Era III along the beach. "So, uh… what did you want to talk about?"

"That trip to Puerto Rico sure was something, huh?"

"Y-yeah."

"Yeah." Era III glanced out at the ocean. She watched the waves crash against the shoreline for a moment before resuming her thought. "Would you have killed that reporter? If he hadn't begged for his life?"

"Of course not."

"Hmm. But the hundreds of other Peridots on Homeworld, you were perfectly fine with getting THEM killed?"

Peridot's eyes widened. "So… you finally know who the traitor is."

"I was able to connect the dots, yes." Era III looked back up at Peridot. "And those gems back there. They're Crystal Gems, aren't they?"

"Please—"

"And that human isn't a human, otherwise, you wouldn't have been able to fuse with him," Era III continued, her voice getting angrier and angrier. "That was Rose Quartz. _The_ Rose Quartz. The leader of the rebellion that left MILLIONS dead."

"Don't hurt them, please," Peridot pleaded. "They don't have any interest in continuing the war."

"I'm not here for THEM, Peridot," Era III corrected, her voice trembling with anger. "I was given one task when I was sent here. Yellow Diamond tasked me with ONE thing. You do know what it is, don't you?"

"Yes, you told me in quite terrifying detail what you planned to do once you found the—"

"DON'T be a smartass, Peridot!" Era III yelled. "Hundreds of innocent, hard-working gems who actually APPRECIATED the jobs they were given are DEAD because of you. You are the LAST Era II left. Do you think that's fair?"

"I think—"

" _Do you think that's fair_?!"

"No, I don't. I don't think that's fair."

"So what is it about YOU specifically?" Era III continued to question. "Why do you value YOUR life over the lives of the other Peridots?"

"I didn't know Yellow Diamond would—"

"Yes you did!" Era III shouted. "Yes you did. You knew what the consequences for treason were, and you KNEW how disposable we, as Peridots, were to the Authority."

"I don't value my life over any others," Peridot sighed. "I did what I did to protect my friends and this planet. Please understand that I didn't want ANYONE to be shattered."

"THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT!" Peridot took a step back, as her counterpart was practically screaming now. "Whatever your 'intention' was doesn't MATTER! Just because you 'meant well' doesn't mean you didn't SCREW UP! It doesn't mean you don't have to be accountable for your actions!"

"Peridot, I'm so sorry, I didn't…" Peridot trailed off.

"You know what comes next, don't you?"

Peridot closed her eyes and nodded. "Yeah. I know what comes next."

"Good. Because I'm tired of yelling. It's time to finally deal with you, once and for all."

Era III summoned her weapon. Peridot stared at the drill, dread filling every inch of her soul. This was it. Judgement day. It all ended here. Peridot shut her eyes once again and tried not to think about her fate. She heard the drill power up, she heard it get closer to her forehead, she could feel the heat emanating from it. It got closer, and closer, and closer, until...

 _Crunch._

…

Peridot opened an eye. Era III stood inches away from her, her face a tormented, distraught glare. Peridot opened her other eye and looked to her right.

The drill was firmly embedded in the cliffside behind her, just inches from her head.

"Now we're both traitors," Era III said, disgust dripping in her voice. Leaving the drill behind, she stepped back, turned, and began to walk away.

"Uh… huh? What?" Peridot started to follow her. "I'm sorry, why am I still alive?"

"Because living with the knowledge that you doomed Peridots to extinction is a far greater punishment than death," Era III replied, back to Peridot. "Because of my betrayal, the remaining Era III's, and perhaps what's left of the originals, will be eradicated. We are now the only two Peridots left. They don't exist anymore."

"O-oh." Peridot took a step back. "Where are you going?"

"Who knows. I can't go back to Homeworld anymore."

Peridot scratched the back of her head. "Uh… you know, there's room for you back at the barn. I mean, if you don't have a place to—"

"Peridot," Era III interrupted. "I don't want to stay with you. I don't want to join the Crystal Gems. I don't want anything to do with you. If I EVER see you again, I will KILL you, do you understand? It would be best for you if we never crossed paths again."

Peridot just stared, shocked. "I… but where will you go?"

"Quit pretending you care. You never did." With that, Era III turned and left. Peridot sighed and turned to walk back to the temple, bumping into Lapis and Steven along the way.

"Hey," Lapis greeted. "Uh… guess she changed her mind?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"You are REALLY good at burning bridges."

Steven frowned. "I wonder where she'll go."

"Who knows?" Peridot laughed bitterly. "It's not like it matters."

Steven disagreed, but decided it was best not to press the issue further.

* * *

Things swiftly returned to normal in Beach City. Dewey began to campaign for his re-election, and although it was fairly obvious he would get it, the incident with Peridot taught him never to underestimate a foe. Peridot's cabinet was immediately disbanded, and everyone on it returned to their normal lives.

The other Peridot wasn't seen in Beach City again. Rumor had it she never stopped walking, and likely wouldn't until she reached the Pacific Ocean. This made Steven a little sad, but he knew that, logically, if she wanted to keep walking she'd have to turn around EVENTUALLY, so he knew they'd see her again, one day. Even if it took years.

One day, Steven received an email from an old friend.

 _From:_ _ProfessorChaosSP_

 _To:_ _CGUniverse2002_

 _Subject: A Friend of Yours?_

 _Howdy, Steven!_

 _I was at Stark's Pond the other day, and I could have SWORN I saw Peridot, just standing there, staring into the lake! I went over to go say hi, but she didn't seem to recognize me. Does Peridot have a twin sister?_

Attached was a photograph of Era III. So at least Steven knew she'd reached Colorado.

Peridot, Lapis, and Pumpkin stayed at the temple for a few days while the Crystal Gems as a whole tried to recuperate from their ordeal. Peridot spent most of her time reclining on Steven's sofa, staring blankly at the opposite wall. This worried everyone a bit, so one day Steven approached her.

"Hey, uh, Peridot? You're kind of freaking everyone out right now."

Peridot blinked slowly, but didn't take her eyes off of the opposite wall. "I. Am so. Bored."

"Wait, is that what it is?" Steven asked. "You're BORED?"

"Yeah. Why, what did you think I was doing?"

"Coming up with creative ways to kill yourself?"

"Steven, please, I stopped doing that HOURS ago." Peridot stretched her arms and allowed herself to sink further into the cushions. "At least, I think it was hours ago. I don't know. I don't have any concepts of time."

"Maybe you just need to keep yourself busy!" Steven suggested. "Like… I don't know… What do grown-ups do when they have nothing better to do?"

"They get jobs," Pearl said. This was the first time Steven realized she was in the room, which was incredible, because she was literally sitting right next to Peridot.

"Pearl, what are you doing?"

"Staring blankly at the opposite wall."

Peridot supposed Steven was right. She needed to find something to occupy herself with, otherwise she'd become pathetic and lazy, like Pearl.

Nobody wants to be like Pearl.

So, first, she tried playing video games. After Steven kicked her ass at Smash Bros. seven times in a row, she destroyed his GameCube in a fit of rage and moved on to the next activity, which was cooking. Unfortunately, cooking is an activity best suited for those who actually eat food, and as a result, all of her creations were terrible. This was when Garnet told her she had to pay for the GameCube she'd destroyed, and Peridot finally remembered the whole reason she ran for office in the first place.

"... _money,_ " Peridot said, smacking her forehead. "I needed MONEY! THAT was why I tried to get elected." She started to laugh hysterically as she put a hand to her forehead. "I totally forgot about all of that! Jeez, it's been a LONG time since I started campaigning, I almost feel like an entirely different person now."

Seeing as how she, once again, needed money, and running for office to embezzle taxpayer funds was now firmly out of the question, Peridot did the most responsible adult thing she could think of:

She borrowed $500 from Greg's checking account and bought 250 Powerball tickets.

Not a single one of those tickets was a winner, so now Peridot was $580 in the red. So, she did the second most responsible adult thing she could think of, and got a job at the Big Donut to fill the opening left by Lars. Now SADIE was HER boss, which Peridot had to admit, was a rather interesting twist on… whatever dynamic they had while she was in office.

Peridot stood behind the front desk, tugging at her collar. This uniform was terrible and itchy, but she supposed it was the adult thing to wear. Sadie explained how to use the register.

"Okay, so, let's say somebody wants a dozen donuts," Sadie explained. "That's $9.99. There's a button for that," she pointed to the computer screen as she spoke. "There's a button for basically every item on the menu, including the fountain drinks. If somebody wants to buy one of the drinks from the cooler, or packaged ice cream, or something, you need to scan the barcode on the back with THIS gun."

"Wait, we sell things BESIDES donuts?" Peridot questioned.

Sadie nodded. "Well, yeah. How do you think we're able to keep Dunkin Donuts, 7-11, AND Starbucks out of town? We sell everything. We're a donut-coffee-convenience store all in one. Some people even do their grocery shopping here," she joked. "By the way, the key to the cigarette case is in THAT drawer there," Sadie pointed to a drawer underneath Peridot. "Check IDs first, they need to be 18 or they aren't getting their precious Newports."

"Okay."

"Uh… that's it, really," Sadie shrugged. "Why don't you go take a break, there's a room in the back where you can relax for a few minutes."

"Okay."

Peridot walked into the back room and just… sat there.

She was just staring blankly at the opposite wall again. But this time, she was getting _paid_ to do it. She glanced around the room. Besides this table and the chair she was sitting on, she saw a television, a VHS player, a desktop computer (probably for accounting, Peridot realized), a fridge, and a microwave. Peridot sighed and leaned back.

"Alright, this is only for a few weeks," she said to herself. "Then, everything can finally go back to normal. You and Lapis can move back into the barn, and you can spend the rest of this planet's lifetime making meepmorps and doing otherwise unimportant things that don't affect anybody around you." Of course, because of climate change and conflict in the Middle East and Korea and whatnot, this planet really only had about thirty years left, but Peridot would enjoy those thirty years.

Peridot glanced back down at the TV, and noticed that the blank, blue screen had been replaced with static. She raised an eyebrow and glanced down at the VCR, which was constantly ejecting and re-inserting the tape that it contained (the label simply read "Steven"). Peridot leaned forward, confused, and glanced over at the computer, which had automatically opened several programs and looked to be on the verge of crashing. Suddenly, her phone, which she'd placed on the table, started vibrating.

 _Unknown Caller_

 _(000)-000-0000_

Peridot tilted her head. "What the hell…?" she muttered. Cautiously, Peridot picked up the phone and swiped to answer. "...hello?"

Suddenly, without warning, a new image was displayed on the television. At the same time, Windows Media Player opened on the computer screen, and Peridot's phone suddenly started acting as if she'd received a FaceTime call.

All screens showed the exact same image.

"You've been busy," the terrifying yellow figure said, glaring straight ahead. Peridot dropped her phone and stared at the TV in absolute horror.

"This… this is a prank," she said to herself. "It has to be."

"Mm, I'm afraid not," Yellow Diamond responded. It was actually her. She had somehow managed to hack into all of these devices to contact Peridot directly.

"...okay. Hold on. Allow me to react appropriately." Peridot began screaming and tugging on her hair. Yellow Diamond was here. She was going to die. "HOW?! How are you… WHAT?!"

"Yes, that other Peridot I sent your way was quite helpful," Yellow Diamond said, seemingly examining her fingertips. As if she had nails to groom. "I asked her to plant a small device on every object of an electronic nature that she could find, so that I could monitor everything that goes on on this planet. It is quite a shame she decided to betray me like she did, but oh well. Her colleagues paid dearly for it."

"She never even _met_ them!" Peridot said, horrified. "What do you want from me?!"

"It's quite clear to me now that you and those Crystal Gems will avoid my attempts to kill you at all costs," Yellow began, "so I'm trying a new tactic."

"Does that tactic involve leaving us the hell alone because you realized we pose no threat to you and have no intention to challenge your leadership on Homeworld?"

"No, it involves blowing up the planet with a giant laser."

"WHY?!"

"Because it's an eyesore, that's why." Yellow crossed her arms and stared back up at Peridot. "But I'm giving you an opportunity to save that pathetic planet and your pathetic friends."

"Anything!" Peridot said. "I'll do LITERALLY anything."

"I thought so. Tell me, Peridot, is that moron Garrison still in office?"

"The President? Yes, he's still the President."

"I had intended to turn him into a puppet so I could mine resources from Earth covertly."

"Yeah, and he realized that idea blows," Peridot said, glaring at the TV. "What's your point?"

Yellow smiled. It was the first time Peridot had ever seen her smile. It was terrifying. "Peridot. I understand you recently took a stab at politics on Earth and succeeded in taking control of a small human settlement."

"This is correct."

"I need you to do me a favor."

Peridot looked disgusted. "A sordid favor?"

"No, just a regular favor."

"Okay…" Peridot said, cautiously. "What do you want?"

Yellow Diamond grinned and leaned forward. "I want you to become my new puppet."

"What are you—"

"Run for President, Peridot. And win."

Peridot gasped. "President? I can't do that! You want me to help you mine on Earth, but that'll still destroy it! We'll get the same outcome!"

"Yes, but slower. Do you… WANT me to destroy it now?"

"NO! No!"

Yellow glared. "Then take what you can get. I'm willing to wait a few years."

"B-but… I can't win!" Peridot said, laughing. Yellow Diamond was an IDIOT! "I was declared one of Beach City's worst mayors EVER!"

"Yes, and Garrison is being declared the worst PRESIDENT ever," Yellow responded. "Believe me, I did the calculations. If you ran against him, you would win. Easily."

"But— but I—"

"The next election is in three years. You have until then to meet my demands. Sayonara."

The transmission ended here. Peridot just stared incredulously at the TV, which was once again broadcasting static. Slowly, she leaned back into her seat, and stared blankly at the opposite wall. "Three years. ...Three… years… You know what? That's Future Peridot's problem."

Peridot sat in silence for a minute more, before finally bursting out into tears. She curled up into a ball in her seat and sobbed into her knees.

"I don't want to be a politician anymooooorrre…" she whined, her rather ugly cries continuing for several more minutes. After a while, her cries died down, her sniffles all that were left of her outburst.

"...I am so fucked," she muttered.

* * *

 **A/N: And so concludes my second story.**


End file.
